I Live In a Sexless Marriage

I Have NOT Always Had A SM.... Have YOU??...

By: nuttymontgomery

Written on February 3rd, 2013

You know... I was reading a story recently, and was shocked, that a member of ILIASM said, "I don't understand HOW people marry people who were already not having sex with them, and then are HERE complaining about it". That person was misinformed, as far as I'm concerned.....
SO..... here is my story....

I met my H when we were in high school.... I had dated some duds, was a one-date wonder (they would try something, I would slap them...date over) & started to think my career choice should be "Nun", due to the fact guys only seemed to want one thing...no real conversation, maybe some food and "let's go parking and talk"...don't remember any talking, though.

Anyway...I saw this guy (my future H) standing at the counter of a fast food hang-out where my friends and I were. I was sitting in the booth and remember telling my friend next to me..."Look at that fine guy..and ...PLEASE tell me the girl with him is his sister!"...Lol...It was his girlfriend.

Somehow, we all wound up riding in the same car that night and he took me home... so he knew where I lived. The next week he and his GF broke-up and he was knocking on my door on Friday asking me out.

He was charming, sweet, a perfect gentleman, I loved talking to him for hours...and.......
We had SEX, people....lots and LOTS of sex!! Lol
He was my first and only....and we were married 2 years later.
The thought of one day writing on a SM post had NEVER crossed my mind...as I'm sure, many of you can relate.

We couldn't have children, adopted our daughter after being married 15 years, so had time to finish school and establish our careers.
Our sex life had come to a near-non-existence after 10 years of marriage. I still don't know why, and my H says he doesn't think there is a problem...yet, the problem still exists.

I'm in year 15 now. (I have written on reasons I stay already)

So...please tell us your story...if you are in a SM, you must be there, still, for a reason. And you must have started, at some point, liking one another...

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By: nuttymontgomery

Age: 41-45 , Female

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43 responses

Chai07

My ex abruptly decided he was "too old" at age 46, after 15 years of marriage. Up to that time, I thought things were pretty normal (tho in hindsite ... not so great). After that, until I left 12 years later, there was no physical affection of any kind from him.
For anyone else in this situation ... two years should have been enough time to figure out it was over. Don't stay the extra decade!

Feb 5
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Hmmm...that is sad...bless your heart.....definately words to ponder...
  Thanks for your input, Chai07!
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
RickiSchnucki

You can read my story in this group and yes, it slowly faded. Nowadays I'm happy when we have a quicky once a quarter. :-(

Feb 5
2 likes
bazzar

My deal was a bit different to most of the marriages I've seen written about on here.
Mine involved periods of good sex, interspersed with periods of no sex. The "good sex" periods would last for months, but the "no sex" periods would last longer. Then there'd be a re-start. Then full stop again. And, at a later stage, full on again. But as ever, the "no sex" periods got out longer and longer. Over the journey, I'd say it was sexless 70% of the time.
This was the unsettling part of it. You never knew when the tap was going to get switched off, or on. Drove me stupid it did. A great environment to chase "whys" and consequently waste lots of time.
Got too much for me. I ended up adopting a position of counter refuser simply to put some certainty into my life.
I would note (thru the rear view mirror) that the marriage was dysfunctional - pretty much from the get go. It would best be described as a dysfunctional marriage that involved good sex sometimes, and no sex most times. It ended up collapsing because it was dysfunctional - there was no "we" - which meant it was an untenable situation, for either of us.
Tread your own path.

Feb 5
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Amways enjoy hearing from you, bazzar...
  This is reality... had the talk again last night. Tired of talking.
  I am at the point of counter refuser right now. Although, to the outside world, we have the perfect marriage.... and really, I told him that last night...if he wasn't so great in every other aspect, I would have been gone.
  Wish my "path" were a little wider and let some light in...so, maybe I could see ahead some... Lol
  Thank you, Baz!!
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  (always, not amways)
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
Maleficent77

Sex was good while we were dating. Then ring on my finger and - BAM- it was over.

Feb 4
1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  That soon?...Bless your heart!!
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
londonwestman1

Ok... That's a challenge - to write my version of this story. But the basic premise is the same. Our relationship was not sexless at first.

Feb 4
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Exactly! That is a challenge...
  And I want to read yours, so let me know, please, when you are done!
  : >
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
ulae

There would be relatively few in my particularly clueless category. I never had good sex. But, at the time I married, I married not for sex, but for self-improvement. Indeed, marriage with her would build anyone's character, and I believe I have improved a lot, but I still don't get good sex. Or any sex, for that matter.

Feb 4
1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  I didn't marry for sex, either....
  .....in hindsight, perhaps I should have been more specific in the marriage vows...."to have and to hold, & cannot ever stop having sex with...until death do us part"... Haha!
  Thanks, ulae!
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- ulae
  I have but myself to blame for not knowing what I needed out of marriage. I do own that 100%.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  You knew one thing you needed...and state that you accomplished that...
  I never thought there was a question about sex...never dreamed it would be this way. We are all still here for a reason, so, there is something we are getting.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
knightlike

I had a similar experience. We had a great sex life for many years and particularly in our late 30's and 40's. Hanging off the rafters wonderful sex. I never thought it would just totally end.

Feb 4
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  I understand... I didn't ever even think about that area not being there anymore.
  Thanks, knightlike!
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
13yearsandcounting

I love my husband. I fell in love with him right away, and haven't fallen out of love with him at all.
I love our sense of humor. We're always joking with each other. Sometimes, I make him laugh so hard he can't breathe. He can make me laugh so hard I cry.
We have so many common interests. It was how we became friends. We like the same tv shows, movies, books, music, etc.
I love the way he smells. It's just chemical pheromones, but I'll rest my face at the top of his head and breathe him in.
I love the moments when he gets excited about something. He's like a little kid. And I imagine a little kid that would look like him and how badly I want to someday meet that child and be his Mommy.
I love how he makes me feel about myself. He constantly says how beautiful, perfect, smart, wonderful, and amazing I am.
Other than the fact that he can not/will not be intimate with me, we really do have a great relationship and I love our life together.
I haven't left because he is still the man that I fell in love with and decided over 13 years ago that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Feb 3
4 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Your story sounds so wonderful! So...what the heck is wrong with our men??
  My H does anything I ask of him, he remembers everything I even mention that I may like & it appears on my birthday or anniversary...& I have usually forgotten that I mentioned it. He is so thoughful and kind.
  I keep myself up, even after 25 years (I saw him watching me oddly, as I stood with a group of women, recently at a funeral...later, he said, "You looked better than any of those women up there!"...which, I thought was strange, but, I guess that's a compliment, since they weren't a bunch of zombies or anything)
  I work, keep house, we have a daughter, we are busy...but, I always make time for him. Oh, heck, there I go again...I get on a tangent..going down my checklist of "what the heck is wrong?" Lol!
  So...13years, it sounds like you love your H and he loves you...you seem to glow just talking about him, through your words. You didn't mention if you had a good sex life before, though...unless, I'm mistaken?
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- 13yearsandcounting
  I've posted in the main thread tonight. But no, we've never had a good sex life. In fact, we've never had sex. Read, "Same old song, we're playing it again".
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  Holy Cannoli! I just read your story... I commented, but want to be sure and add...BLESS YOUR HEART!!
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- SouthofHeaven
  new here...all I can ask is, why not?? What kind of intimacy can a couple share that doesn't at least include *some* physical affection?
  
  Feb 10
  1 like
1 More Reply
oceansun

H and I met through a friend we had in common.He gave me a ride home that night and we became friends, we talked a few days later, then we had our first date and then we became lovers.Sex was good, he was a lot more experienced than I was, and showed me the road paved with lust and sin LOL.We moved in together 4 years later, and the sex slowed down due too work and responsibilities such as rent and food.But still a few times a week we'd have a 1 or 2 hour session.For another 4 years the sex was hot and steamy, ( I have videos to prove it) we'd bathe together, massages, cook together, all we had was each other. And then we decided to start a family, and the moment I got pregnant it all went to ****.

We bought a house and it turned to even deeper ****.

Now we live in the same cell, and have conjugal visits once ever blue moon, but we've grown cold and apart.

I'll never know why he stopped the sex all of a sudden, but with time, everything else stopped too, now we're just hanging on cause we don't know what else to do, out of habit I guess.

Thats my story.

Feb 3
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Sad that our stories are similar, in vital ways.
  We all feel the pain of rejection for reasons we don't understand. Most of the time we look at ourselves as the cause and try to fix it. I used to jog alot, live on a dead-end street...but, because our neighbor's H kept coming out and sitting on his patio, watching me like an Olympic sport, & my H heard her yell at him, "Stop watching her!! She's nearly old enough to be your mother, pervert!"....Lol... I started jogging from the OTHER end of the street and would stop before I reached their house. So, long story short, I think my H has issues... but, since he doesn't see it, there is nothing I can do.
  However, EP has helped, by my being able to vent and hear other people...and I've learned a lot from it.
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  Thanks so much for your story, Oceansun!!
  : >
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- oceansun
  LOL so you're in shape and you cause trouble in your neighborhood, good for you, just the way I like my new friends.
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- angryguy77
  The real story here is not what then OP wrote, but that OS has naughty videos of herself.
  Schwiiiinnnnng!
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- oceansun
  LOL You kill me.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
2 More Replies
Frustrated1978

Just like you when i started dating the soon to be ex wife sex was through the roof. Than along the way 4 years later sex gradually dried up from 8 times a week to 4 to 2 and eventually once a fortnight, to once a month.
At the end of the day sister nutty it does not matter as to why and what the reasons are. The simple truth is there is no sex.
The why could be many things like he is not attracted to you any more for whatever reasons, he is having an affair, he is out of shape and has health issues etc etc.
At the end of the day the only question that matters is what are you planning to do about this issue that obviously makes you so unhappy.
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Feb 3
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Thanks, Frustrated...
  I think he would be more attracted to a 300# hillbillly lady in overalls & a straw hat!...
  Your name says it ....we are ALL frustrated...
  Thanks for your input! : >
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
laureltree

We were in a long distance relationship for the first 9 mo.... Saw each other probably 3 times a month. That hid a lot of our drive "mismatch," and of course, his PA behavior escalated once we moved in together. I didn't realize the reasons why it had gotten so bad when we decided to get married. We quickly had two kids, and ..... his complete disconnect from me once I first got pregnant is what led to where we are today. FWIW, both of our kids were planned, and he was adamant that we have them NOW. Now that they're here, though, he wants little to do with them and just about nothing to do with me.

Feb 3
1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  Oh, wow.....a lot of us here can relate to that!
  If it weren't for our daughter, we wouldn't have much to talk about.
  Sorry that, you too, are on this journey.
  Thanks, Laurel!
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- laureltree
  Sadly, I just got off the phone with his mom. She helped him out while I was gone for ... about 36 hrs Friday to Saturday. She told me she thinks I need to see a therapist about how to raise the kids so that husband's emotional issues don't damage them. She also said she doesn't think he wants to be a parent. This isn't really news to me, but that HIS MOTHER, who adores him, sees it... Sheesh.
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  That IS an eye-opener....his mother...wow... but, if she thinks her grandchildren are not cared for... then, it sounds like you nailed it.
  Did she say that she would talk to HIM about seeing the therapist? Because that's who needs the help, it seems.
  Bless your heart!
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- laureltree
  Yeah.. she has been pushing me to get him to a therapist (as if I can MAKE him do anything, right?) for awhile. I've asked him to go, and he turns it around on me, as you can probably imagine. I'm keeping a log now of his issues with the kids and hope that in the eventual divorce they'll make him get some help before having unsupervised visitation with the kids.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  Bless your heart! Good luck!!
  Please keep us updated
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- Petrushka
  Laurel, to me that sounds like a case of: for the sake of the kids, get out as fast as you can.
  If his mother can see that he's got 'issues' .... and he 'turns it around on you', GIT. He'll just be piling on the damage.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- laureltree
  Petrushka - I am keeping a very close eye on it. I'm hoping to see a lawyer next week and figure out where I stand financially. If I ever feel the kids are in ANY physical danger, I'll be gone. The current plan, though, is to serve him papers this summer. I've got a lot to do between now and then. Though, again, if I need out immediately, I can pull some strings.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- Petrushka
  I wasn't thinking of physical danger so much, but of emotional damage.
  Good for you that you have plans, though, I'll cheer for you.
  My wife is a prime example for what damage a man like your husband can do to his children as a long time consequence - and she's certainly not the only one I know.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- laureltree
  Yeah... I agree with you there, too. My hope is that since 90+% of their interactions are with me not him that they'll be okay for the next 6 mo. The baby won't know any difference anyway, but our daughter is 2 and beginning to notice.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
6 More Replies
pamelamc

OMG..you and I have almost the same story! My husband was my first and only. We did wait for a while to have sex. We both intended to wait till the wedding night....But you know how often that happens. LOL We were engaged though. Sex was fine for the first 16 years. Now I don't know what has happened.
Hey, we even adopted too. =)

Feb 3
2 likes
- nuttymontgomery
  Wow! That is very similar!
  ...We DID wait 6 months before we had sex, though! Lol (that's was eternity when you were in high school, right? :)
  That's so awesome, Pamela! Children are such blessings. (and mine may be the glue that binds)
  
  Feb 3
  1 like
- 1newcardinal
  Talk about similarities, we adopted our kids after 23 years of trying to conceive. Our infertility was really H's infertility until of course I got too old, but...kind of makes you wonder if there is a link. For anyone looking for my story, I took it down, but basically, marriage is fine except for no sex. H had prostate cancer surgery, and now, nothing, no affection or intimacy at all.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- nuttymontgomery
  Oh...yes, without the prostate, that's a tough one! So sorry for you.... but, as the reaon I am still here....at least he is a good H...those are hard to find...
  Also, our inability to conceive was also due to my H's low count. But, adoption was the best thing we could have ever done! And...no stretch marks....Lol
  
  Feb 4
  1 like

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