Dad Is Moving On

Sweetie, there is a lot of good advice given to you by several members. I do want to say that I empathize with your feelings. You love your mother and father very much, and it seems like you feel as if your father has somehow abandoned your mother for someone else; as if your mother meant so little to him. It hurts you to see your father with somebody else, and you have every right to feel this way. Perhaps following some of the advice given by the EP members will help you heal and come to terms with your hurt. Know, dear, that healing does not mean that your mother will be forgotten. She will always be in your heart and, very likely, in your father's heart as well.

-----" I don't know how to get over come this . "

You might consider talking this over with a grief counsellor or therapist. A neutral third party might be a far better way to process your grief.

It also could help preserve and protect your relationship with your father. He is probably in his seventies or more now (I think I read you are age 50), so he needs support and a stress free relationship with you for the remainder of whatever life he has remaining- to the extent possible you need to help him live the happiest life possible.

Talk to someone soon.

Did you know that there is some evidence to suggest that the happiest of marriages are followed by quick re-marriage!? There is some suggestion that the widowed person wants to regain the same comfort and support he/she experienced previously. I hope this brings you comfort.

Please do NOT condemn your Dad. His years are few now and his need for this comfort is great. It will be a terrible thing if you let this come between the two of you. Please support him - for both your sakes.

Loss as experienced from different view points can seem like separate events. Unlike you, your father knew the poor state of his spouses health, had a sense of closure and saying goodby. When you send someone in for such a procedure you always do it bearing in mind that this may be(small odds but it happens) the final words exchanged.

Often couples have discussed the issue of dating post loss and their attitudes. I have made no bones about my desire to see my wife find someone else in her life should I die. She needs that and I love her far too much to think I would be honored by her misery and loneliness. I suspect you mom is the same way. She would rather have seen your dad happy than grieving is my assumption.

In the end sweetie, you must grieve in the way that is best for you and he in his own way. It does not have to be a negative unless you allow your grief to color his actions and project your feelings upon him. Some people are better able to handle being alone better than others - he may indeed not be one who does well in such a state

We never really know what is/was happening in another persons marriage, especially our parents. But until we become aware of life's lessons from the past we tend to repeat mistakes and history. Sadly our present day dynamics with others, especially marriage, is rooted in the life we lived and perceived as children. The tools we use to survive are borrowed until we actively reach for new tools that will help us diverge from the paths laid out for us by our past. Perhaps your pain is recognition of your present day circumstances.

We all heal and move onward in our own way. I reckon that the last thing you want to do is to lay some guilt on your dad for moving on with his life. It would be unreasonable for one to dictate how much pain and grief someone else ought to suffer just so one could feel better about a situation. Its a difficult time - sit with your pain, your thoughts and feelings and take the time you need to heal. Be well.

What your Father does is completely his choice, and it is he, and he alone who wears the consequences of his choice be they good or bad.

How you choose to respond to this is completely your choice, and it is you, and you alone who wears the consequences of your choice be they good or bad.

How you "feel" about it is another matter entirely. Whatever you are feeling is completely legitimate. You feel that it is "too soon" and that is a legitimate feeling.

Your Father however, doe's NOT feel that it is "too soon", and his feelings are just as valid as yours.

You are, BOTH, entitled to your respective feelings. Yours don't trump his, his don't trump yours.

Sit with your feelings. You are entitled to them. You would be well in order (if you feel it appropriate) to tell your Father how you are feeling about this, but don't skate over that thin ice terrirory where you might feel the urge to tell him what he ought be doing (or not doing).

Tread your own path.