Me, You,And WeNote - this is a re-post (explanation at the bottom)
"My marriage is perfect, but for the sex"
The opening ambit of many an initial poster in this forum.
And maybe, they actually believe it at that time, being in denial about the true state of their union. Or, maybe it is a situation of being embarrassed at their situation "I can't tell total strangers that my marriage is in the ditch, better stick to the most obvious symptom, sex. Maybe someone can help with that, then the rest of it I can work out myself."
Either way, the initial post invariably seems to convey this "it's just the sex" claim.
And, it needs challenging, very early on. Very early in the piece.
In any relationship there is "me" - "you" and "we".
"me" is my unique talents as an individual.
"you" is your unique talents as an individual.
"we" is the bit where both individuals bring their attributes to the table to share.
In a functional relationship, this is the magic bit, where the results are greater than the sum of the two individuals. This is where "me" regards "you" as just as important as "me". And "you" regard "me" as being just as important as "you"
It is not always equal though, sometimes "you" are pulling more weight than "me", and other times "me" is pulling more weight than "you".
After the smoke has cleared from the largely mythical "perfect marriage bar the sex" scenario, it is usually found that the "we" is largely a myth in a dysfunctional relationship.
To a greater or lesser degree, the dynamic looks like this ("me" being in the role of sexual refuser in the following)
"me" has unique individual talents. However, they only run to what suits "me"
"you" has unique talents, including regarding "me" at least as much as yourself.
"we" in this case, sees being brought to the table what "me" wants, and what "you" will do for "me". What "you" want is of no real interest to "me"
So "we" is going at less than half capacity. It's all about "me". And "you" can get ****** (only figuratively unfortunately).
Mind you, this can still work not too badly. If "you" likes sailboarding" and "me" likes it too, there is no problem.
But if "you" like sailboarding" and "me" doesn't, then "me" will not engage. Indeed "me" may actively subvert "you" when you want to do this activity.
"You" of course, are expected by "me" to join "me" in going to Star Trek Conventions even though the subject holds little appeal for "you". And, as an empathetic member of what "you" think of "we", "you" at least try and show some interest in whether Kirk was a better captain of the starship Enterprise than Piccard.
When the subject is sex, matters like sailboarding and Star Trek tend to assume vastly diminished importance.
"me" does not desire or need sexual ex
"you" do desire sexual ex
Result, in this perverse "we", "me" does not bring sexual ex
So "you' are bringing something of no value to the table, "me" is bringing nothing at all to the table. The table is bare. There is no "we" in this dynamic.
And, if you look at many cases ob
I think, that initial posters to ILIASM need this pointed out as early as possible. In a manner that engages them rather than belting them over the head with it brutally. Particularly those cases where the posters' perception really IS that "it's perfect bar the sex. Lessons 'learned' are more powerful than lessons 'taught'. I think a lot of initial posters have succumbed to thinking that what they have is 'normal' and the penny has only partially dropped that it ain't normal at all.
I know that when I first lobbed in here, I thought I knew a fair bit about what was going on in my sm, and to some extent I did. But it was a very steep learning curve to really get a handle on it I found. And, even though it's through the rear view mirror these days, I am still learning heaps.
Tread your own path.
I have had a couple of recent requests to re-post this story which I first submitted on 15th October 2010. At that stage it was titled "You, Me and Us". A troll got hold of the story and much of the comments turned into a slanging match, which was a pity.
Anyway, here it is. All I have changed is where it originally said "us" it now says "we".