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No Intimacy

I thought it was just me & doesn't that sound familiar...I've been with my husband 11 years, married nearly 10 & no sex or intimacy for 9 years...

The number of nights I've cried myself to sleep is ridiculous. Like so many people here, I've tried everything & he is now seeking help but still not really interesting & seems to miss the point that actually it is normal to want to have sex with your husband.

And now I've met someone who is interested & it scares the living heck out me...He knows I'm married & still want to be with my husband and says it's up to me whether we take it any further....

Will I? I truly can't say but every day that goes past without intimacy from my husband seems to make it more likely.

scootergirl35 scootergirl35 36-40, F 47 Responses Aug 16, 2008

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Most of these men I guarentee are either using **** regular or addicted to it. My friend is a mental health physician and most of the times she sees these problems it is the man is addicted to **** and having sexual issues and problems.

I've been in a relationship for almost four years. In the beginning, we had an awesome sex life for about 2 years. Since then, I got pregnant with our now four month year old, and sex has never been the same. There is litterly no intimacy. I've communicated to him how I feel about it, and he seems to understand but when it comes to action, I'm turned down. He only wants it certain times like a quickie before work with a peck on the lips. I want it at night while the baby is sleeping, and it feels like we can relax and enjoy some time together. Wrong. He complains he's tired and not in the mood. So, I go to bed upset, frustrated and even cried myself to sleep. I can't take it anymore. We are like best friends without the romance, but sleep in the same bed. I love him but I can't live like this much longer. I'm so torn...

I've been married now a little more than 4 years with a stepdaughter now 16yrs. Our relationship was great; the intimacy, cuddling, kissing, and great communication until the beginning of the year. We've had occasional disagreements mostly regarding something our daughter did. It seems that he doesn't want me to correct the things that she's doing that's clearly inappropriate for her age; like lying and meeting men on the internet; talking and sending text messages in the weee hours of the morning. We've taken her phone and computer 3 times; the last time I found she was abusing her privileges, I asked her for her laptop and she thought it at me. To make a long story short, she told my husband she didn't through the laptop and she doesn't know why I'm saying that. My husband and I've talked about that situation several times, and he says he can't see her doing anything like that. We've all (3 of us) gone to therapy, which she admitted the incident to the counselor, but not her father (my husband).

Since that incident, which was 8 months ago, there has been no intimacy, no cuddling, little communication and a peck in the morning. I've tried several times to talk with him about what maybe going on, his response is generally"there's nothing going on". He told me in so many words, if I wanted to be intimate I should initiate it. I tried that, and it was terrible, I cut it short. I had to literally tell him what to do. It's never been like that.

I tried talking again but that was a no-go, and it ended up with me getting angry and frustrated. Finally, I stopped even trying to talk with him regarding intimacy. Now, from time to time, I find myself dreaming of other men and wanting to be with them.

I'm starting to resent my husband and really don't want to be around him because of the silent treatment I sometime go through. We sleep in the bed every night with our backs to each like strangers, how embarrassing is that. We get up in the morning at the same time, leave for work at the same time, even follow each other to work, park next to each other, we have morning coffee and afternoon lunch together. We have a great relationship at work and in public, it all changes when we're home. It's extremely frustrating not knowing why my husband shuts down for no reason or if there is a reason he's unwilling to discuss it with me.

I don't know how much more I can take....

I have been married for 8 years, my husband will not kiss/hug/ no intimacy/ he is a great person, we are great friends but there is no romance. It feels like were room mates ;( I have tried so many things sexually and he has no interest. Maybe ones every six monthes I will satisfied him and he will leave the room. He has never satisfied me ? Why ? My friends say I am very pretty I take care of myself.......I get told he married be for the picture...we only dated 3 weeks and he asked me to marry him: yes it was fast. I feel now though he may of just married me to fit in with his family. I am starting to wonder if he is gay but scared to be true or he has a problem .... what would you think...and what would you doo? I have tried counselling but he will not go and he will not talk about it...

I am very broken my wife refuses to have any form of intimacy either sex or just touching of any sort (hugs). We have been married for 13 year and this started in 2011. I have two small children and do not want to leave them. My wife really is not a good mother to them. In the past, she has stated that she does not want them. I really believe she is mentality ill. She has threatened suicide many time in the past. But I have no proof. So for the children sake and safety, I must stay around and protect them to the best of my ability. I have no one to talk to about the situation.

If you feel that mental illness is a strong factor in your wife's behavior, you need to try to get her some help/ if you feel that she does not treat the kids as she should and it's so bad that you feel that they are in danger it is you duty to remove them from the situation/ love your wife, but love your kids even more to put them first/ all it takes is a minute for something to go wrong/ we see it on the news all the time/ please I'm sure they would be better off with one parent that loves them and wants the best for them/ don't take the chance/ you may go out to the store or something and you may regret it/ children first/ peace

I understand. Mine long story. The short version is havent french kissed in almost ten years. And only have sex maybe once every 3 to 6 months if i am lucky. It sucks

what? 12 yrs,9yrs , what, just a month i die...as women age quickly and you live life only once,if you dont want to end up a miserable old woman make your life worthwhile,never stay for convinience .if your man is not giving you some go get it gal....coz as yetime puts it no man can survive without sex unless he has medical problems and if so no man can survive without intimacy once in a while so...if you dont want to end up the loyal one and the less explored just finding at your 60,s your man has another wife with a bunch of children dont entertain such nonesense

I just read your story, I see it was quite a few years ago. How are things now? I am in the EXACT same predicament. RIGHT NOW! I want to proceed with a new relationship as I am and have missed out on so much in the last "11 years".... What did or are you doing? I don't think I want to save my marriage, but am scared also. Not physically, just scared.

Like many of the stories here, my husband doesn't have much interest in any type of intimacy with me either. I feel so undesirable and unloved romantically. We don't play, cuddle, or have sex. We were intimate maybe once per month, then maybe every two, but now it's not even that. I feel like such a failure for thinking of possibly leaving. This is my 2nd marriage. We adopted a son together who is now four and adores his father. I'm so lost. When I try to discuss our relationship, which is rare because he doesn't like to talk, he shuts down completely and refuses to talk to me at all. He is not comforting in anyway when it comes to issues in our relationship that deeply affect me. Today and for the first time, I told him that I didn't know what to do and was wondering if he was trying to make me leave. His response was, "Do you want to leave!!?" and put his hands in the air as if to say "Well leave!" I've have asked him more than once if there is something that I did or said or if I need to improve something about myself. He says that there is nothing. A month ago he finally began to take testosterone to help with his energy. But, honestly, I just think he doesn't find me attractive. I may leave or I may keep hoping things will change. I'm definitely not getting any younger. We've only been married 6 years. I'll be 40 this year. I don't want another failed marriage and I don't want my son to be raised in a broken home.

I feel your pain. This is my second marriage. I just came out of an 18 yr marriage which lacked intimacy the last 10 yrs. I've been remarried 3 yrs and it has happened again. We were extremely active and happy. He has depression and it had all disappeared. I get a daily peck on the lips and that is it! I don't think I can do this again.

Married with someone 20 years older.. No intimacy for the last 2 years.. As my husband think it is not important to keep the flame burning.. and it breaks my heart so much that I feel like having a roommate rather than a husband in my bed.. sometime I wonder, whether I expect too much in life. He is a wonderful man and a great father.. and whether sex after marriage is overrated..

Do u love your husband? Are you in love with your husband? Is your husband your best friend? Would you ever leave your husband?

My response to all of you here....if you're not happy in your marriage; go see an attorney. He will tell you what to expect when or if you divorce; and if you've been married a long time, you will get 1/3 of his pay; more if you have children at home. <br />
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Scootergirl35....leave that guy....you'll do fine as a nurse and will be paid alimony too. you'll get 1/2 the assets. You'll be fine. Go find a better man. They're out there.

Been in married for 6 years. Sexless for the last 6 years. Had sex a couple of times prior to our marriage. I come close to having sex but, then I back away. A wall goes up. I love and care my husband very much. He is a wonderful man. He loves me. We have a good life. I trust him. We have few arguments, enjoy our time together. I feel so bad. I am old enough to know that in the beginning of a relationship you have a chemical reaction that makes us think we have found the love of our life. This chemical reaction has gotten me much heartache in my younger years. I never had a strong sexual attraction for my husband. I saw a good trusting person and felt the relationship would grow. Is it possible to change? Do I leave my marriage to allow my husband to find someone who can give him sexual pleasure. He doesn't complain much. I know it can't feel good to be rejected. We kiss and hold hands and cuddle. I never have that sexual feeling. Help..

go see a gyna,the type of family planning method you use also can affect your libido

never give up on yourself youll live the rest of your life regretting as good men are hard to find

been married 30 years next week., to a good decent man, who made terrible business decisions, , lost a good paying position, took jobs at night returning home at 11 p.m., every night except one. Worked on holidays, made me feel like a single parent, filed Bankcrupcy, moved several times, emotionally impacting on our now grown children. I have alwqys worked. He stopped caring about sex twenty years aago. Became mimpotent sixteen years ago , has heart disease, a pacemaker, making me feel guilty to leave him. Was so lonely and felt neglected, four year ago, had an affair which still goes on. This man wants me to leave and marry me, but he is a smoker. I am so used to my husband,. He is 73 and i am 61,but I look much younger younger younger vyearsyounger, vety attractiv eand stilol sexy. i feel guilty what i have done but I thought i would die if I never haqd a man make love to me aqgain. My husband has left me with no financial security, no life insurqnc epolicy, an he

Well what are you waiting for.You are lucky enough to have a way out so go for it.Don't let one thing hold you back.If he makes you happy he will smoke outside,or may even quit for you.

I'm there with over 20 years of complete devotion, always hoping "it" would improve. I'm at my wits end. I think I've tried.....I've questioned, inquired, talked, tried, and all efforts seem to have failed. I think it's time to live for you, and find what will make you happy. Life, is indeed, about being happy, isn't it? So, coming from someone who has devoted many years, and four children later......it's time to do what makes you feel whole.

No intimacy in the marriage , means the man is ******* out there with others. He is just staying in the marriage for few reasons, your child, financial issue, or religious issue. No man survive without sex, it is a biological need, they are created to do this

It doesn't mean he's unfaithful, trust me I know......there may be other issues you're unaware of, that he's dealing with. I, may be reaching, however, there are eating disorders and a plethora of other things causing his disinterest, which are not you.

Hello everyone, I was surprised to know that there are many women who are having the same problem that I have in my marriage. I am so sorry about that. To Lonelygirl00, I am also so sorry about your situation. I thought my situation was the worst until I read your story. My husband hasn´t been intimate with me for 12 years and like you I am also God fearing and has always been feeling guilty whenever I think of what is lacking in my marriage and whenever I consider leaving my husband. I always think that I am being a very bad wife whenever I tell him that I am leaving. The strange thing is that he always begs me to stay. We now have a 2 year old son, which makes it even more difficult to leave as I would mean taking my son away from his father. We have tried so many years to have a child through an artificial insemination and IVF which didn´t work so we tried it in a normal way by sleeping with each other without the real intimate feelings. So those were the three times in 12 years which worked and made me conceive our beautiful son and I thank God so much for that. During the time he was sending me to a doctor to conceive artificially I have found out that he was having an affair with his secretary, so it added to my pain as it just proved that he isn´t impotent or having too much stress at work. He always says he loves me but our situation never changes. After all those years I have also lost the feeling of wanting to be intimate with him. I can´t imagine it happening anymore. But I have to admit that I miss being in love and intimate with someone. I can´t have an affair. The only way I can fall in love again is when I would be free and not be married but it scares me so much to leave. I also don´t have my family here so it would mean being alone with my child and the fear of losing a responsible man whom I consider my family. Please pray for me too lonelygirl00. I need the strength and clarity. Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

we have the same problem,i think its time for u to ask your husband whats going on.then if its not work maybe time to change,find someone that satisfied and comport ur feelings.maybe someone is better than him.<br />
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goodluck

I can't believe I find myself here. There is just something about feeling so low in the depth of your heart, that I am willing to "air my laundry," and the most private parts at that, just so I can get some answers. I don't know whether I felt a sense of relief to know there appears to be so many out there that are silently suffering like me, or feeling worse, knowing the same. <br />
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I read many of the above comments, and reading them gave me the courage, dispite my fear of publically saying it, that I also have been in my own sexless marriage for a little over 21 years. I feel ashamed saying it, even here to a computer screen. I feel so lonely and alone and I have lived this way for all of this time. I have tried most avenues to improve or change my situation with no success. I have gone to counseling on my own, spoke to my Priest, and spoke, cried, yelled, tried, reasoned,...everything to the person I am married to. He says he loves me, but I feel as if I am on an equal footing with our family dog. He pets the dog, says nice things to the dog, takes the dog in the car, feeds the dog. <br />
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In all of this time, not only have I not had any intimacy with my husband, but he does not even hold me, cuddle me, or kiss me...nothing more than one would expect from the neighbor ( just polite niceness). I cannot tell you of how many tears, or sleepless night's I have had, or how deeply alone I feel. <br />
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I feel stuck. When we first met, I had friends, a job and my own place. Now, I have no friends. He does not want me intimately in ANY way, but he follows me everywhere and I do not have much freedom or time alone outside of the home. I tried to go back to college to get a degree to leave, and he actually takes me to school, and waits for me to finish class, even if that means all day long. I do not have any money at all. I am an adult student, and yet, the students that are there with me, (either the younger ones, or the one's my age), have money to get lunch for example. I cannot go to lunch without him, even with female fellow students who are my age. Even if I wanted to, I have no money, and it is embarrassing, so I try to avoid being asked to lunch. Even the Professor's have teased that my husband can wash their car while he waits for me...which is also very embarrassing. <br />
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Anyway, so now...even if i wanted to leave, I cannot. I have no way of going. My background as a child was that I grew up in Foster care, so I do not have family, none. There is no family for me to leave and go TO. So, I live my empty existence, alone. <br />
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Can somebody out there please tell me, how do I stop wanting love and how can I make my heart stop aching? I feel like I beat myself up on top of it by not just accepting this is what my life is like and just suck it up and deal with it. Because my husband wanted me to be a stay at home wife, I no longer have valid employable skills. I have tried and that is what I have been told. I don't have a degree, and I don't have more than basic computer knowledge, and other than entry level positions, there is nothing that can support me should I go. <br />
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Yes, I do have a child. In the 21+ years, I should say the only time there was intimacy was just before I married him, and the honeymoon, which produced a child. <br />
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On the honeymoon, at the hotel, my husband told me he was sorry for marrying me. At recent as maybe two years ago, he told me that I "repulsed" him. He also said a few years ago when we only lived in a condo, "Maybe if we had a house, maybe THEN I'd want you"...which we have a house, and he still does not.<br />
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He sounds barbaric, but I don't mean him to be. I am simply stating the facts where intimacy applies. In other ways he is very kind to me and giving in other ways. If I want something like books, clothes, he buys them for me. He says he loves me, and sometimes in the caring parts of the relationship I feel like that may be true. We attend church together, if I want to go somewhere he will take me. He supported my wanting to go to school and going after the dream of wanting to become a nurse that I had all of my life. He is like two people. One that is thoughtful and caring in a brotherly way, much more than a husband way, and ice cold when it comes to intimacy or feelings.<br />
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I have even gone to Confession many times and tried to pray with all of my heart to stop wanting and needing, or desiring, and accepting my cross. But sometimes I feel like this cross will crush me to death. I take marriage seriously and try to do the "better or worse" part, in which case, mostly is worse. I will agree with someone who wrote above that it is like a security blanket, and that is true. I do feel that way because my entire life was from one horrible Foster home, to one even worse than the one before it. My younger years were a struggled existance, and when I met my husband, I thought I would devote my life to my marriage. <br />
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If I leave, even if I could...I am so scared of even how I would make a living at providing for myself. He has me so isolated for so many years now, I don't know if I could make it on my own. I really have tried to get jobs and they said I was under-qualifed because unless it is an entry level position, they want a degree, or computer skills etc. I have tried to tell them, what jobs I USED to have and how I had very good ratings all the time and that I can learn anything that they put in front of me to give me a chance...nothing. <br />
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So, I went to school, it is hard with him standing outside my classes waiting for them to finish, and the entire campus knows who he is, some people see it as "Romeo and Juliet" and see it as so romantic and charming that he would support me like this, and carry my books...but, they don't see the truth and the pain in my heart, and feel my utter isolation. I have a few more years to go and I keep trying my best. I have made Dean's List several times, and I love school. THAT is my joy right now and it keeps me from drowning. <br />
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I have spent so long alone and lonely and isolated, that I want to cry out here, Can anyone hear me?<br />
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Thank you, whoever you may be to listen to my shame and my pain. If anyone has a solution that I have not tried, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am sorry you all above have suffered, and it made my heart break even more to read all of your pain. Please know when I pray for me, I will always remember you all in my prayers too. I hope you all find complete joy and blissful happiness somehow. <br />
Thank you.

My husband and I have been married for 3weeks now and he dont have sex.I just found out that he is talking to the person that he cheated on me with before.Help what do i do?

I was wondering what do i do if my husband and I dont have sex and we have only been married 3weeks.Now i found out that he is talking to someone he has cheated on before.Help!!!!

I know that this is a very old thread but I have been with the same person for nearly 12 years who is 20 years older than me. This has been a problem for a very long time. I still love him but we are like roomates/friends and nothing else. I too chose to leave. I have not done it yet and am scared sick because I have not been a lone in a very long time and do still love and care for this man. He also does not want me to leave which makes it even harder. I have rented me a duplex and it is a said and done deal but just have not actually moved yet due to the weather conditions. I just cannot see myself living the next 20 years like this. It is just too hard. I wonder which will be harder, living like this but secure or alone? I also have sought out other men for happiness (never did have ha an affair) and this is unlike me. I am a very faithful woman but I am afraid that if I do not leave that I eventually will and this is just not fair. Sometimes you just have to hope the hell you are not making the wrong decision and take the leap. I have never considered myself to be a strong person either. More like very depressed, emotional and dependent. So this is a huge step for me.

It's not going to help if you have the affair and want to improve things with your hubby.<br />
I stayed too long with wife...same problems...<br />
I have a very platonic but supportive friend in another city who I talk with regularly just to keep alive...if you choose that it must be a totally confidential exchange with no sex.

scootergirl I sooooo know where you are coming from. At first you believe it is only temporary, and that you love each other enough to sort it out. After much time and effort, you start to see that they are not that bothered, particularly if you don't rock their world too much! They seem to think that you can love them unconditionally, like a mother, and don't even see you running out of patience as the pain becomes unbearable.

Rainbow, I am finding it difficult to make sense of your comment. If you read many of the stories here you will see that nothign about issues of love an dintimacy are simple. The main point is that none of us in this group are okay with not having sex and intimacy and being shown that we are desired and loved. However, it is because of our love and associated ties, be they children, finance a deep sense of wanting to do the right thing (whatever that is, LOL), to our refusing spouse that we keep trying, keep on in this limbo and keep hoping. <br />
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I also would ask that you consider that it is not realistic to expect any arbitrary deadline for one to express what is a daily and enduring sense of loss and heartache, especially while one is still in the situation.

rainbow - i didn't have an affair because i truly loved my husband and thought he loved me enough to make an effort and sort out whatever the issue was.<br />
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And i mentioned it more than once, of course i did. He saw a specialist for almost 2 years with no change as he mentally didn't want to change<br />
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I guess you're not in this sort of situation otherwise you wouldn't have made your comment about it being inexcusable, as i can't imagine you saying the same thing to anyone who was being abused "well, you didn't do anything about it, so what right do you have to complain?" <br />
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We are all individuals and i read peoples' stories here who complain about only having sex twice a year and i'm envious!! <br />
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I'm not in a position to judge anyone elses story, just comment and hopefully offer support if people want that - sometimes it's enough just to be heard

Rainbow! WTF?? "A little late to complain. . ."???? So being sexless for longer is "inexcusable"?? I just don't get your comment - please explain!!

I am wandering how many days has to pass before you have sex with someone else. Seems as though if you have'nt had an affair by now why bother? I am not sure why you didn't long ago. Six months is too long unless there is some underline medical issues whether it be physical or mental issues. If its not either then I would venture to say at this point you are ok not having sex.especially after 9 years. Its a little late to complain.

My fella made contact with me 4 years ago on line in the Dec and moved in with me in the Apr, he is a widower, and I had been divorced for 5 years.<br />
I enjoy the companionship, but he is not interested in the sexual side of a relationship, I feel life is short and I know what is missing from my life.<br />
He is a great cook and has taken over the kitchen, my consolation.<br />
I think about getting a sex buddy but he is a nice guy and I seem to be all he has.<br />
I guess I just have to think long and hard about what I want in this life

hcohen - I tried that, in fact, I tried that over and over again.<br />
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I even asked if we could try an open relationship and he said no but still made no effort at all to change.<br />
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So I left.<br />
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I left in Oct last year and it's been the best and hardest and scariest and worst thing I've ever done. And I'm so flipping glad I did.<br />
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All I can say to anyone in a similar situation is only you truly know whether your partner will change or whether you can keep living the way you are. Don't settle for less than you want or deserve in life, we get one chance at this and time just slips through our hands.