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Finally

Been here on Ep for over four years and I have learned so much and been on a journey that is amazing.

I met my soul mate here. My now husband who is the best man I have ever known. It was luck with fate that we met here as we are from different countries. Something that we never imagined as we were only as friends at the beginning. Common interests and shared understanding at the ironic turns of life and always laughter shared drew us together.

Both of us met friends here on EP who championed us as individuals. We had no agenda. Then I faced my own mortality and something shifted. I already knew that he was leaving his emotionally and sexually dead marriage. I was an ocean away. Thousands of miles but why not me?

We were always so in tune. Laughing. So much joy sharing our takes on life. We challenged one another's minds. It flowed easily between us always. The easiest thing in my whole life was loving this man whom I had never met. When we finally met, it was just as easy. Leaps of faith for us both.

Loving one another was a given. The easy part. The attacks and hatred from " family" and "friends" was not so easy until now. My husband always told me that he was about a year from not caring about the naysayers. I lagged behind due to nature perhaps. Wanted to please. To be accepted.

No longer. Finally I have caught up to my husband. Those who try to diminish either of us are behind a high wall. They no longer have any power. We live each day in the love we share. It is strong and empowering. A given. Those who have attacked us are on the outside and we have no desire to allow them in. My facing a serious illness changed me. Only those who showed love and concern for both my husband and myself are granted a place in our lives now.

It is Karma. In this we both find great peace. Any person who dares intrude from a place of hate or rejection will be met with a closed door. We will and choose only to allow those who have shown both of us love and support a place of honor and love into our lives. Finally I have caught up with where my husband lives and this is good and healing and full of peace. If any person reading this questions where they lie in our lives, there is no question. Peace to all who understand and offer peace to us. D

dartist dartist 56-60, F 13 Responses Feb 5, 2013

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Even though I asked Sammy in a respectful way to stop sending me PMs full of accusations and emotive words, he/she appears to have no abilities of self control. In a strange way these rantings are very helpful as I see nothing in myself akin to Sammy. What I see is a mentally deranged individual who needs professional help. I feel no sense of co-dependency in trying to get through to an obviously mentally disturbed individual. I do feel the necessity of reporting this person.After the episode on EP concerning my husband's relatives attacking me, Sammy's continuing harassment might be connected in some way to certain of the "across the pond" contingency. If so, I am little affected and , if true, they have lost the ability to spell or write in any educated way.If Sammy is simply a troll then why the personal agenda? One of the Sammy PMs rejoiced in my daughter's treatment of me. Sammy told me that I deserve this pain. His/her PMs are more of the same extolling how horrible I am and how much I deserve misery and pain. Reporting this member to EP is now an imperative for this is escalating into vile and veiled threats of my being punished in some way.I appreciate fellow members verbally thrashing Sammy. I think we all know that there is something severely missing in this personality type for Sammy is not unique in any way. Simply a lonely ineffective human being who gets a small feeling of power out of attacking others. Peace,D..

Sammy desperately needs to feel important

@ Sammy7000 - The sharing here is to affirm some truths Sammy. They are shared to impart learnings from one's journey. I found this post life affirming. It is funny how you can readily rally for the endurance in a dysfunctional marriage and yet not see the strength it takes to be authentic in the face of persecution for choosing to move on and to own one's choices. I thought one of the foundations of the Christian faith is faith and strength in the face of persecution.

Sammy is your quintessential "one trick pony". I have yet to see him engage intelligently on any other subject than "cheating". And now as I think about it, I haven't actually seen him engage intelligently on that one either.

"Intelligence" and "Sammy" do not belong in the same sentence.

Thank you Baz. As a dear friend told me, why continue to reward bad behaviors? I imagined that I had a shot with my son. Daughter has proven herself many times in no uncertain terms. Coming to grips with the facts that I have served my purpose in their lives does answer my question however unpalatable the answer might be.

One phone call to me would have made all the difference. No one is too busy to take a few minutes and call their mother. My apathy grows. My life with my husband is so good that the lack of respect from certain others is hugely apparent. Hope has become another four letter word. What is real cannot be denied or I am a fool and I am not.

I have reached the point where no contact is preferable to small offers of hope. Ambiguity remains a cruelty. I must sever the ties to truly live my life even if it offers brief pain now. Peace,D

I have been waiting for a response from gifts I sent to my son and DIL. I sent her a lovely pair of earrings and a nice birthday card. Got a brief text from my son that they had received the gifts. A shirt for him too. I asked to please give me a call when they had the time. Over a month and nothing. Yes I did get down over this. It is only natural after all of the contact over Christmas and when I was in the hospital.

I have a question. Birthdays are coming up for my son and daughter. If I remain silent I feel passive/aggressive as my health is compromised and they know this. Hearing nothing may prod them to call but this seems contrived on my part. I will not call and my husband refuses to have any more contact unless some amount of respect is shown. What to do? Any suggestions? Peace,D

This gift giving is a bit like Vaguests take on the hummus thing (just below). Whatever you do or don't do it will be "wrong" at some hugely important unimportant level in someones estimation.

Gifts as a segue to keeping a door open ? - I half get the logic, but don't think it works.

For me, I'd be taking an attitude that whatever I do is likely to be misinterpreted, and "wrong" most likely. To give myself some certainty I'd send nothing.
That would guarantee me being "wrong", and thus provide a level of certainty. (That's if they even noticed I'd sent nothing)

I should state at the start that my opinions are worthless. I think that as long as you don't hurt people, you should do what you want to do. If you want to speak with your son and daughter-in-law, you pick up the phone and speak to them. That's the bit of the interaction that you can own. What they do, that's their business.

When you want them to want to speak to you, you're putting your happiness in their hands. Love and hurt, same thing sometimes.

Excuse this post. I am still learning our new Ipad and it is so fast. What I was writing is that. Hard times gives no one the right to attack another person as a whipping post. I am done being that post. SIL in his call to me said that my daughter has no support system. My response was that my husband and I offered to be a support system and we were told by her that we were not wanted. This was so painful to hear. My husband is a loving and giving man. He also made a huge effort back in March 2012 because he knew this was important to me. As in a bad marriage, you cannot want a person one day and toss them away the next. This also brought up another point. Why does she not have any support system ? The answer is simple but also sad. She drives people away as she did us. So foolish but not my responsibility.My granddaughter had her big heart operation last week. Rob called SIL to voice our concern. I went into another room because I did not want to be a part of the phone call but Rob did this for me. We have heard nothing and wish for a good outcome but we are pragmatic about contact. Isn't this strange? That I care and love this baby but am not allowed to even know if she survived the surgery? That I have had to separate emotionally from such a visceral happening? In my wildest dreams I could have never predicted this happening. My attitude is " What will be, will be" I have been given no other options. My turning point was when my daughter and SIL never even called to see if I was dead or alive after Rob called her and told her how ill I was. That I was in kidney failure and fighting massive infections. I lay for a week in that hospital room frightened and Rob went through hell with worry. kept checking with the lab as to what was happening. The hospital where he works. One phone call would have made all the difference to us. That week changed me. Both of us. That was when I stopped drinking the Kool Aid. We all have those defining moments in life. Whether it is the inevitable ending of a bad marriage or a bad friendship or even a parent/child relationship. It becomes time to move on. To go through the pain of knowledge and take wisdom learned and find peace and harmony for us in life. My marriage is number one. Behind that is dear friendships enduring through the good and bad. My son who has shown me some love and respect however this is a work in progress at this point. It is imperative that I see progress and on a "Wait and see" basis. I take this relationship easy with no expectations. What life has taught me. I am fine.This I know. My husband is loving and kind. Our marriage is filled with love and laughter and physical intimacy. We talk and share and live a good life together. We have the love and respect of friends. We appreciate one another and value what we have. Our home and our two sweet cats. This is my world and I will no longer allow anything to diminish what he and I fought so hard to have. What has always been so easy is loving him. respecting him for in this I respect and love myself. Peace,

DROP DEAD Sammy.

Sammy, do you know that Dartist is a WIDOW?? HOW does she get to be a "cheater" in your book?????????

Thanks to all of you who have commented with kindness and support. Reaching the point that I have come to in all of the past drama has been gut wrenching at times. I have given certain people so many passes due to excuses for them. I kept drinking the Kool Aid. No longer and there is no angst. Disappointment but not in myself.

We all that I would never had acted with the malice that igo through difficult times but this does not give us a pass to be intentionally cruel to others. I made so many excuses for others but I know

What a lovely story - thank you so much for sharing - wishing you all the best in your new life!

Beauty story of courage, love and certainly loyalty.
Wish you both continued success and peace as you travel the journey together through this life.
You give us all hope!

it requires huge amounts of inner strength and character to deal with the barrage of mallintent that has been thrown your way. The both of you have dealt with all of this with patience and poise. May you finally just live your lives with love and laughter, and share each others heart.with no more external interference.

This is a great post.

One of the wonderful things I find as I age is that I care much less about what others think about how I live my life. I do what I gotta do!

Being past 50 we have ALL paid our dues.

Now it is time to live life to the fullest.

Dearest D, one of the true gifts of a wonderful relationship is this:
You are now fulfilled as a person, and the "neediness" that drives you (or me, or anyone) to want that "acceptance" from others is no longer a big factor in your life.

Of course we would all prefer to be liked, to receive approval and to be accepted and honoured for who we are. But once we are truly happy in our own lives - with ourselves AND with our relationship - the NEED for this diminishes. And increasingly diminishes as trime goes by!!

In fact, as time goes by, you can even begin to feel sorry for those whose personal limitations make them uncaring, unloving, bitter, critical and offensve. You can say to yourself (and mean it!) "How horrible it must be to live a life of resentment, distrust and hatred!"

I admire you and Rob hugely for surviving AND thriving after all you have been through. And I whole-heartedly commend you on excluding negative persons entirely from your lives. I love what mvc says about "life enhancers" versus "non life enhancers". I think this is a significant and important guideline for us all.

As ever, your real friends here on ILIASM admire, respect and applaud you for being so strong and affirming your lives in such positive ways.

best wishes!!:)