The Nature Of My RealityYesterday was an interesting day.
My first two posts generated a lot of responses - I am very grateful to all the folks who took the time to share their thoughts.
Generally speaking, most of the posts were thoughtful and supportive; several were critical; and a few were harsh. Interestingly, the harshest of them generated a flurry of support from a small group of members who were concerned I might be dissuaded from continuing to post - special thanks to those who rallied around me - much appreciated.
One post - the most recent, in fact - was especially unique. This individual came forward with the theory that since everything is an illusion anyway, I can create my own reality by imagining how I want things to be. He suggested I "make love to my wife in my mind" - and by doing so, I will set her free, bring myself peace, and cause her to relax.
"Make love to her in my mind." Well that's something I'm already good at!
So what IS the nature of my reality anyway?
A few things became very clear to me yesterday. First off: I seem to have fallen into some patterns in my life that are not serving me well. For example, I'm attracted to women who have "refuser" traits, which probably has something to do with my childhood. Great.
Another thing that became clear is that I probably have some intimacy issues, which I am clearly trying to work out inside of my primary relationships. Got it.
And finally, it became painfully obvious that none of this self-knowledge is worth a rat's A** unless it leads to some kind of action. If I would like a healthy, happy and most importantly REGULAR sex-life to be a part of my reality, I'm going to have to do something about it.
Welcome to ILIASM 101. My name is AMM and all I do is whine.
So if my reality is something I can change by imagining it, what would my new reality look like?
Well...the first thing I would change is that my primary partner (or whatever we call those around here) would have a sex-drive that is compatible with my own. That's what originally brought us all here, after all - right?
But I don't just want sex. I want physical intimacy. I want my primary partner to WANT to make love to me - to look at me and really SEE me. To feel passionately about who I am, not just because I'm kind, or helpful, or a good provider - but because of who I AM , essentially. I want sex NOT to be tied to what I do or don't do - at the end of the day, I want my primary partner to want to make love to me just because of who I am. At least occasionally. Is that too much to ask?
The truth is, I'm pretty fortunate in that my wife is as committed to a loving, compassionate, honest, adult relationship as I am. The problem for me is that she seems to have real limitations in an area that feels like a deal-breaker to me (i.e. around sex). And despite her goodwill and good intentions, she doesn't seem to be able to change anything about it - at least she hasn't been able to thus far. And while I want all that other relationship stuff as well, the sex thing is simply too important for me to ignore. That's why this is so hard for me.
I'm a "sex person" and she isn't. Is my reality really just as simple as that?