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A 2 Year Exit Plan?

A quick background - married for 12 years, mostly sexless throughout. Completely sexless past year and a half. No touching whatsover past 9 months. Just gets worse and worse...

So I definately want out at this point even though I really struggle with how this would affect my kids. Problem is, I am not currently working, but am going through nursing school which is 2 more years.

If I want to stay in school, I have to stay married. It's an accelerated program where you are asked not to work, nor do I think I could and maintain the program. I also feel guilty that I'm essentially letting him pay for everything while I'm in school. Not the actual tuition, which is all loans that I will pay myself after graduation, but everything while I'm in school. Granted, I do all the housework, take care of the kids, cook etc. but I feel guilty.

Anyway, I don't know if I can make it 2 years! I'm very depressed and lonely. We barely speak and never touch, not even a roommate hug or peck. I feel stuck. Financially, for myself and for my kids, I know I need to stay in school and get through this. It just seems like a long time.
pinkandgreen224 pinkandgreen224 36-40, F 9 Responses Feb 6, 2013

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Yes, 2 years seems like a long time, but nursing school goes by soooo fast. And if you are in an accelerated program, separating now could harm your study time and grades. I suggest you ride it out.

repeating what previous posters said: absolutely do NOT feel guilt. you're doing one of the most important, under-recognized jobs in the world: raising children & taking care of a family. AND going to school. as another pointed out, by taking your nursing degree, you are improving yours and your childrens' futures. as well as your h's, since once you have employment in that field, you'll require less assistance from him.

do yourself a favour. see an attorney; find out the details of what you should (can) expect in a divorce. think of it as having that umbrella in case of rain. you don't *have* to act on it immediately. but it's far better to be prepared than or is to be surprised (NOT in a good way !) in these situations.

i am one who thought to take my time exiting. then BOOM happened to make me change my mind & accelerate. life is unpredictable.

read widely and keep posting.

You are actually doing him a favour by going to school, because you are going to be able to support yourself and he may not have to pay you alimony. Don't feel guilty for trying to improve your situation.

You may be surprised what you can do that you thought you COULDN'T....I know I was. When it is time to GO....you just GO...
I worried about my kids, too....but they are actually HAPPIER that we are apart. They love us both, but now have the space to love, and think, and BE....without worrying about their parents' happiness. (And No, I did NOT realize that they worried about US, until we split....but they WERE worried...) Something to think about...

More wise words from my wonderful therapist. I was feeling much the same as you about finances today when he said, "My wife doesn't work outside the home and every penny we have is attributable to her. There is no way I could have achieved what I have without her, and certainly no way I could have been a good father." Made me sad that I was never made to feel as if I was contributing, and happy to know that there are men out there that recognize what goes into running a household.

Its only natural that the kids will be upset to learn that their parents are divorcing. But I have seen couples do a better job co-parenting together post divorce. Kids are happier because the tension is gone between you. Get rid of the guilt. Don't ever feel that you are not contributing because no one is giving you a paycheck for all the work you do to take care of your family. Consult a divorce attorney to see what would happen if you were to separate or divorce tomorrow. Im thinking that since hes supporting you now that if he were to file for divorce unexpectedly.... you would still be ok with finishing your two year nursing program. Stash money where he cant find it. Go in task mode and just focus on finishing. Two years will fly by. In the meantime, seek out counseling for yourself if not lean on a friend to help you through. Good luck.

Two years goes by pretty quick, especially when you are busy. Take care of yourself.

To follow up on Baz. It is also important that, as you plan your escape, you keep in mind that you may suddenly accelerate your plans. We have seen it a lot on this board that people decide to stay and then suddenly - BOOM! - they need to leave immediately.

The BOOM could be the refuser finally admits they don't love you; You find out they are having an affair; You start having an affair (cyber or IRL), You finally just can't take it anymore, - the list gets long

Good point. My 'meticulously planned' exit strategy for a January 2010 departure had to be accelerated by 3 months as a result of "BOOM" happening, in October 2009. And that adjustment had to take place over 24 hours.

And guess what? You do what you gotta do. Sure, it's better to have a plan, but even if you don't? Trust yourself...you CAN make it work, no matter what....when your gut tells you it's time to GO? GO....plan or no plan....sometimes acting on the fly is the universe speaking to you....

That, is equally true GBG. You don't get extra points for making 'the most graceful exit'.
A planned exit is a way lot less stressful, but a hurried and stressful exit is still an exit.

Whatever time frame you set yourself, it is imperative that your preparations start NOW.

And it is imperative that you hold YOURSELF accountable to that time frame. It is very easy to slip into the trap of - "I'll leave when Aunty Maude dies" and when Aunty Maude does peg out, you revise the "when you'll get out" to "when the summer solstice happens"

Tread your own path.