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Am I Pervert???-Continuation

Sharing.....After yesterday's incident "Am I pervert"...
Since that happen, my mind was busy thinking and depressed and my heart was crying.... so i was very silent after that(i think anyone, at my place, would do the same ,keep silence and thinking, after all this)..... Shortly after, I came from office, she said why are you so quiet. i said "nothing specific, just thinking and collecting thoughts".... she said "i know what are you thinking. You thinking about yesterday.... isn't it". i said "yes and thinking if anything can be done"... she immediately started, how things started yesterday and what went wrong (basically covering up) and then blaming and giving excuses....[here one thing, I don't understand, is that isn't she getting that we just had a tearing discussion yesterday and you are starting it again, it will make relationship worse, any person will think at least this much]...... and towards the end she said this "you are elder, you should take care of everything, you should be behaving mature enough to understand" Awesome statement. :) come on , I am 29 and she is 27...... 2 years doesn't make much difference in maturity... and how much mature should i be...Come on.. Relationship is not one wheel drive..........
asuting asuting 26-30, M 6 Responses Feb 6, 2013

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...everything you say can and will be used against you... Seems to me like Borderline trait(at least)... First years with my husband I was very open and thought that when he was asking me something it was wish to communicate or concern about me... Nope... He used everything I said against me... He twisted my words and tried to make me feel guilty (fortunatelly I never did :) ), because usually everything made him to be upset and sad... It took me several years(and ton of reading and research) to work out, that I am actually the sane one and my husband has BPD(borderline personality disorder) and has his own way of thinking different from ordinary people, so to use common logic is just pointless... Please, check the site http://outofthefog.net/ You may find exact discription of your wife there...

The reason she thinks you are a pervert is because she sees you as "daddy" and her as "little girl", you take care of everything, and she gets to play - and throw tantrums if things don't go her way - and there's no way out of that situation. You've played into it as much as she. Time to grow up, both of you, and move on.

asuting, You and I seem to share the following trait: we are terrible negotiators, even when what we are asking for is reasonable. Apparently, this is often caused by parenting style. During my childhood, for example, my boundaries were perfectly clear to me. There was no need to negotiate within the boundary, and I was quite happy within the boundary. But no negotiation would work beyond the boundary, so it was pointless trying. I suspect some other parents consciously or unconsciously train their children to negotiate better. And this does not only mean negotiate to win, but also negotiate without hurt on either side. It is a great skill to have, and I wish I had (more of) it. I was also very naive about marriage; when I got married, the notion that you may need hard but cordial negotiation within a loving marriage abhorred me. How about you?

This is a great comment. I seem to have about zero negotiating skills too, within the context of intimate personal relationships. And I suspect that this is one problem that many folks have who end up here. -----"But no negotiation would work beyond the boundary, so it was pointless trying." Same childhood experience here too - never taught negotiation.

I would point out to all three of you (Ulae, mvc and asuting) that negotiation with a self centred, selfish and uncaring pwerson is almost ( I would really think IMPOSSSIBLE!) for anyone!

HA! Correct you are. Let me rephrase now that I have thought more on it: I FEEL like I have subpar negotiating skills, but that may not be true. Perhaps the feelings of not being able to negotiate are situational!

mvc, that's a well-known danger of SM. Lose negotiations in the bedroom, and lose confidence that you can successfully negotiate outside. Or, never learnt how to shed bitterness after failed bedroom negotiations, and carry that bitterness unnecessarily to negotiations outside. All of these have happened to me.

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Maturity isn't a number, it's a state of mind. There are many teenagers mature beyond their years and there are pensioners who are extremely immature all the time.

The wonderful thing about being 'us' is that we need and deserve to be 'immature' to make the personal sacrifice in being mature feel worthwhile. Yin and yang. Id and ego.

It's all about proportionality, timing, context, purpose and delivery. It all has to be acceptable and there has to be a consensus between you and 'them' about it. Your partner does not understand that or does and wishes to deny you it.

If you are waiting to make a convincing arguement to sway her into giving you a root, forget it.
If you are waiting for her 'better nature' to assert itself, and her to become a rooting machine, forget it.
If you are waiting for a cosmic event to transform her into an enthusiastic rooter, forget it.

If you are going to keep waiting, then resign yourself to a sexless and miserable future. And, take full note, YOU own this choice. Don't keep bleating about her inaction, rather, have a look at YOUR own inaction.

Tread your own path.

Not knowing much of your story i went back and read your two previous posts. It is quite clear that you have been manipulated and conditioned to agree with her fuc..ked up way of thinking. Indeed i will even suggest that it appears you are afraid of her.

Everytime you bring up a grievance she screams and shouts you into submission. You have yourself admitted you just go along with her to keep the peace. Well thats what she wants and you are compling.

By creating this massive scene she deflects attention back to you therefore avoiding being held to any account regarding her actions.

As for staying for your parents. I love my parents dearly but it is your life and one day your parents will unfortunately pass away and you will probably be to old to fix your life from that point.

The trick is man up and deal with this issue. Also have you considered she might be having an affair. I have studied cheating behavour extensively and a female refusive cheater often accuses her partner of being a pervert.

Stay Strong & Good Luck