Separation Does A Psyche Good.At least for me. :)
Since my first mediation session on January 17th, my STBX and I have been living separated with our kids. We set up an extend a stay hotel thing, and have been rotating in and out of that on our assigned days with and without the kids.
It has been really nice to have true space from STBX and having that space instantly took away the conflict that was so prevalent day in and out at home with us living together while trying to go through divorce. It's also allowed me to enjoy my kids more, because as much as I love them, having a break from them too has also been good. It makes me appreciate and love them that much more after it's been a couple days since I last saw them.
I did get a bit angry the other day, when on our second weekend of our new temporary custody arrangement, I discovered that STBX actually asked his sister to come over and watch the kids on Saturday while he went out to see a show (a band). I may have made a bigger deal of of it than necessary, but my attorney had told me that when it is 'your' weekend and you decide to go out and hire a sitter or something similar, then you are supposed to contact the other parent first. But, clearly he didn't get the same information from his attorney.
He then sent me a defensive email (of course) and attacking me for not having found an apartment yet. The apartment was an agreed upon part of our temporary orders that was to be my job, and to find one by February 1st. So, I had to send him a detailed timeline of how my time had been spent since Jan. 17th, and how I had ZERO time to look for anything until basically the 24th. I explained that I'm looking for jobs, swamped at work, taking care of kids, doing chores, blah blah blah. But somehow, that email made him change his tune.
And guess what? I found an apartment on my own, no help from him, and all before Feb. 1st, on top of doing everything else. I found a sublease that we take over this weekend and have until end of April. So, we will rotate in and out of this apartment instead of the hotel, until things are figured out for good.
This separation has truly been a blessing for me. I am not as stressed, anxious, nervous, freaked out, etc. as I have been since this all started. Having some alone time has been really good for my soul.
Now, I am still freaked out about not having a full time/permanent job yet, as my contract runs out end of April. So, I've been focusing my energy on finding work, where and how to live as a single mom, and my finances and budget. I am not concerned at all about what my STBX will do with the house that we own, because I've resolved that I don't want to stay there, and I have the freedom to create a new life that is for ME and my kids. I don't need to be concerned with where he is, where he's going to live, how he's going to live, etc. It's about me now.
And I want primary custody of the kids, full child support that is owed to me, and half of everything, including the equity of the house. I've put MORE than my fair share of my half into this marriage financially. And if our state weren't a 50/50 state, I would be entitled to more, because I did more. But, I have to let go of the fact that not everything can be fair and equitable, but it can be negotiated to where it feels fair, and I can come out getting what I ultimately want. And that is to be the primary person making decisions for the kids, with full child support benefits, amongst other things. I deserve that. My kids deserve that.
I have finally started moving more towards me. And it will happen in baby steps, each and every day.
I picked up a shiny lucky penny the other day at the park with my kids, and made a wish and put it in my pocket. And then, kept that penny on me all day and the next. And the next day I got an interview. So, yes, I'll stay superstitious, and yes, I'll continue to pray every day, and yes I'll read my horoscopes and tarots. Because, right now, I need every single bit of good luck and karma that the universe and God can afford to send to me.