I Live In a Sexless Marriage
I am no longer in a sexless marriage . I am still not having sex, but it's a personal choice now and there is great hope for a healthy, wonderful future, and actually.. that kinda depends how one defines sex... but details... . ;) I will miss this place, where do you from here?? Is there a graduate spot where you hang out? I have grown quite fond of many of you and consider you friend-types.
Thanks for the advise, insight, friendship, support and encouragement.
I have learned I was not crazy -- my ex is showing me more everyday how right I was to leave him. He is cold, emotionally dead. He has no clue what his email did to me. He sent me patronizing "I will always be here for you" crap (um.. like he was during the marriage???). Anyway --- I am not heart broken over him. I do occasionally feel heartbreak for wasted years, though.
But, I won't dwell in that spot. I like where I am right now -- I like who I am right now. Not to be conceited, but this morning when I looked in the mirror I saw a beautiful, healthy woman and I just want to keep being her. Some things still scare me -- like the financial aspect, but I am taking it one step at a time. Some days are hard to be strong and I do break down, but I try to get right back up again. I have post-its all over my room. I know it's a little cheesy - but it helps me remember to do what feels good: go to my fitness classes, get dressed up, allow myself to look pretty, smile!!!!, reach out to friends, participate in life. Breathe. One step at a time.
I talked with a dear friend who is a therapist (and a certified mountaineer.. I love my friends) -- she helped me a lot yesterday with some residual feelings of guilt I was having for -- well, for enjoying someone new sooo soon after getting out. I thought I was supposed to be in misery for months like others when they split. But she reminded me my marriage was VERY unhealthy and VERY unhappy and has been for a long time -- and, not for a lack of trying on my part. She isn't saying I didn't have a part in the destruction of it, but she is saying some things were NOT my fault -- that my ex was/ is not a very good man. (I always tried to make him out to be one but she reminded me he IS selfish and uncaring). She told me that maybe I have good karma coming and I should just relax and enjoy. So, I am. ;) I really thought she would flip when I told her my story -- but she was unbelievably supportive. I guess it's not so weird after all, what I am experiencing -- not so crazy at all.
Our divorce will be uneventful. He opened his own checking account, I opened mine. We split bills. Next month my money goes into my own checking account. Pretty cut and dry. No kids. No real assets. He doesn't want my stuff, I don't want his. No vindictiveness. Just nothingness. (the theme of our marriage)
There is great hope. I have learned a lot. I want to continue to learn. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Have I learned ENOUGH?? God I hope so. Never -- I never want that kind of life again -- entrapment, anchored, stifling, suffocating, stuck.
Anyway -- thanks again. I learned such valuable lessons through this group -- I am so thankful. I am NO LONGER in a SM. :)
Updated to add -- this story by Enna30 - Dysfunctional Relationships vs. Functional Relationships really hit my heart this week. My marriage was dysfunctional at every angle. I now have a powerful frame of reference for future endeavors. I recommend reading it: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/1995372
Thanks for the advise, insight, friendship, support and encouragement.
I have learned I was not crazy -- my ex is showing me more everyday how right I was to leave him. He is cold, emotionally dead. He has no clue what his email did to me. He sent me patronizing "I will always be here for you" crap (um.. like he was during the marriage???). Anyway --- I am not heart broken over him. I do occasionally feel heartbreak for wasted years, though.
But, I won't dwell in that spot. I like where I am right now -- I like who I am right now. Not to be conceited, but this morning when I looked in the mirror I saw a beautiful, healthy woman and I just want to keep being her. Some things still scare me -- like the financial aspect, but I am taking it one step at a time. Some days are hard to be strong and I do break down, but I try to get right back up again. I have post-its all over my room. I know it's a little cheesy - but it helps me remember to do what feels good: go to my fitness classes, get dressed up, allow myself to look pretty, smile!!!!, reach out to friends, participate in life. Breathe. One step at a time.
I talked with a dear friend who is a therapist (and a certified mountaineer.. I love my friends) -- she helped me a lot yesterday with some residual feelings of guilt I was having for -- well, for enjoying someone new sooo soon after getting out. I thought I was supposed to be in misery for months like others when they split. But she reminded me my marriage was VERY unhealthy and VERY unhappy and has been for a long time -- and, not for a lack of trying on my part. She isn't saying I didn't have a part in the destruction of it, but she is saying some things were NOT my fault -- that my ex was/ is not a very good man. (I always tried to make him out to be one but she reminded me he IS selfish and uncaring). She told me that maybe I have good karma coming and I should just relax and enjoy. So, I am. ;) I really thought she would flip when I told her my story -- but she was unbelievably supportive. I guess it's not so weird after all, what I am experiencing -- not so crazy at all.
Our divorce will be uneventful. He opened his own checking account, I opened mine. We split bills. Next month my money goes into my own checking account. Pretty cut and dry. No kids. No real assets. He doesn't want my stuff, I don't want his. No vindictiveness. Just nothingness. (the theme of our marriage)
There is great hope. I have learned a lot. I want to continue to learn. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Have I learned ENOUGH?? God I hope so. Never -- I never want that kind of life again -- entrapment, anchored, stifling, suffocating, stuck.
Anyway -- thanks again. I learned such valuable lessons through this group -- I am so thankful. I am NO LONGER in a SM. :)
Updated to add -- this story by Enna30 - Dysfunctional Relationships vs. Functional Relationships really hit my heart this week. My marriage was dysfunctional at every angle. I now have a powerful fr
By:
Awakeforthedance
Age:
36-40
,
Female
