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Silently Screaming On The Inside.

As I lay next to her, I wonder what happened to us. Don't I do enough, don't I try hard enough. Almost 13 years of being together and I still see her as that lovely girl I fell in love with in high school. We have grown so much, built a life and a family. But as the years have gone by, things changed. What is endomytriosis? Why didn't she tell me she's had it three times. Is she lying when she says there is nothing that can be done about it? She says she's full of scare tissue, that no matter what it hurts, so the desire, want and need have left her. She says that she will never tell me no, but when intercourse is reduced to the feeling of just using someones body to ********** with, then what's the point. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. I can justify going outside the the marriage, I just don't know what to do. Please, can anyone help me to understand why I feel like this.
jmhollis jmhollis 36-40, M 8 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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Ok I do think this needs a little "womans" perspective.
Now I do think you should take it upon yourself to educate yourself..google..there is plenty of information out there. ..go to her appointments with her...talk to the doctor..get advice about what support you need to give her.
Now the other point that seems to be coming up is that she's not reseptive to you in any kind of sexual way...woman are NOT like men ...we can't just get at it..if things aren't working right it throws us off...women have to "feel" it.
I wouldn't automatically be saying she's lying and there's some other reason...and you know what...yes..sex is great but its not the be all and end all of a marriage.
I wish guys went through some of the stuff we do...if you're penis was in distress would you still be saying " come on honey..lets get at it"
I think not.
Have some compassion.

She did not tell you about the endometriosis because it probably never happened. It is a great excuse! for suckers like us!

Well, don't justify going outside the marriage unless you have her permission. Otherwise you are still deceiving her. Now, that said, we all can "justify" it, to ourselves, because we need so badly. Why don't you do some research on Endometriosis and its effects. Talk to a dr about it... seriously, go in and have a private consult with a OBGYN.... I never understand emotionless sex. I know that it has killed my heart. You feel abandoned and unloved.. loved but unLOVED. You feel alone. Unknown. Emotionally detached.

You don't sound very convinced that she is being truthful, and of the people discussing this here you have the best information of any of us.

If you feel she is trying to freeze you out so you will leave and thus be "the bad guy", then again, I'd figure that as the man on the spot, you have the best information.

Does she enthusiastically suck you off or engage in other alternates to penetrative sex ? Whether she shows any level of genuine enthusiasm about sexual engagement generally with you would seem to be the best indicitive measure of what's going on here.

Tread your own path.

Has the endometriosis been diagnosed by a doctor, or just by her? Is she going to doctors to see what can be done, or does she just say nothign can be done? Do you go to the doctor with her, to ask questions about what can be done?

At one point it was thought I had endometriosis, I even had exploratory surgery (which came back negative, thankfully). There ARE things that can be done in many cases, but yes, she could have it recurring time and again - it can be surgically removed, for example, and still come back.

In extreme cases they remove the uterus etc.

If she refuses to go to doctors, that is a bigger problem.

You know, you can even do a google search on endometriosis to learn a lot about it.

when our 9 year was born, it was by c-sectiion, they tied her tubes, I was there. They scraped up her uterus pritty bad, but told us that in time things would heal. But when she started her periods again is when the endo started. 3 times she went to the gyno. I tell her how much I love her. How beautiful she is. How sexy. But its always the same. "That's what you say" she says she's just waiting for me to cheat on her cuz she doesn't want it anymore. I feel like she's forcing me down that road just so she can have a clear conscience ya know?

There's two issues:

1. pain - physical.
2. psychology.

I am saying this from thepoint of view of someone whose recent ex has real, chronic pain. To the point of no longer functioning.

Sometimes it's hard to sort out. If she is in real physical pain from the endometriosis, or is she using it as an excuse to get away from you, or is it a combination.

Only doctors - and someetimes not even them - can sort this out. There are pain clinics to deal with chronic, untreatable pain and it's psychological effect. there are treatments for endometriosis. There are psychologists to sort out the mental issues.

Noone on here is qualified to sort that out.

She needs a doctor to diagnose/sort out issues.

YOU need perhaps a counsellor to get through your current deprivation, and see if there's anythign more to your marriage or not. Your anger at her is palpable, actually. Not saying that you're incorrect to have that anger; just maybe there's a solution in there somewhere.

Would you say that she is happy, content, in general terms, or do you sense that she is weary, disappointed with her existence? Do you sense she merely exists, rather than LIVES? Do she look forward to each day? Does she laugh at all? Does she have any zest, enthusiasm?

It is possible that she is depressed, not necessarily clinically depressed, although that is also possible. Sometimes, we can feel that life, nature, God, fate, whatever has dealt us an unfair hand and we can really let it get to us in a way that is not only unfair to those close to us but to ourselves.

I wouldn't dare to suggest that she should just snap out of it, if it is an issue. We would all do that if it were really that simple. It NEVER is. If she is suffering in this manner she has to find her own way out of it. All you can do is try to support her in a positive manner. I can only tell you that emphasising how you are being punished by this will not help you. It might seem equitable and fair to do so, but given human nature it works against you, not for you.

I would agree with Zsu. Counselling may help you reach a greater understanding of the situation. However, unless at some point your wife sees that she has a problem that is first affecting her, that is then in turn affecting you and HER relationship with you, then counselling for just you will be of limited benefit, but may be still worthwhile.

Im sorry.
I know its very painful...

I know how u feel its frustrates u cuz u still love her just like I still love my husband but when no sex is envolved u feel like ur all alone I only been married 5 1'2 years now and doesn't touch me or want me anymore my husband alway's say's im cheating on him when im not I don't know what's wrong with me that he can't love me like he used 2 he verbally n mentally abuses me but I don't want my boy's without there daddy in there lives I REALLY WONDER DEEP DOWN IF HE TRULY LOVES HIS WIFE OR NOT ANYMORE

And its like, when they say you're cheating, or that you're gonna cheat, it makes me feel like that's what they want us to do. Like it would some how clear their conscience, and absolve them from any wrong doing, but they are the ones who pushed us into doing that cuz they couldn't take the time to make us feel wanted. Sometimes I feel like screaming " if you won't do me, then why don't you bring someone home who will, cuz I'm done feeling like I married a ghost. You're there, but untouchable.

This is so sad. I can see that you love your wife, and she is not a typical refuser. Endometriosis can be very painful. My suggestion would be to try and be intimate with her without vaginal penetration. She may regain her desire for you if she begins to realize that it will not mean pain. That is why we have hands and mouths.

I do try that. But because she's never in the mood everything I do just seems to annoy. Am I the only one who thinks our anthem should be cheap tricks "I want you to want me"?

There could be other issues and she is just using her medical condition as an excuse. If you read around here you will find that refusers have a million excuses. If she isn't even willing to try and work on this then that is probably the case. On the other hand, she may just have a psychological block where she associates intimacy with pain. In that case, all you can do is remove the block. I suggest (this will sound crass) getting her drunk and making her ***.