It'S My Problem Apparently............

The only way I would be kicked to the kerb would be if I don't find adequate employment at some point, it would have absolutely nothing to do with sex, how you are coming to this conclusion baffles me, it isn't HER who is telling me our sex life needs to improve, she's fine with everything, she's happy. I'm the one who is complaining, remember? She didn't write this post, I did.

She is the one carrying the financial load at the moment. She is the one who is being pestered to supply something she doesn't want to supply. She is the one who is "not one to hold her tongue if there's a problem with something". She is the one who has no need of you emotionally, intimacy wise, or sexually.

Join the dots.

Discard the notion that she may move to end this at your peril.

She does need me emotionally, just not sexually. Or when it is sexual it's once every six months for three minutes which is fine with her. And I'm not pestering her to supply anything, I just asked her some simple questions and dropped the subject. And she's not moving to end anything, she's fine with everything. You seem hell bent on ending each post with a visage of doom and this isn't the case. She's just not passionate, period. Everything else is fine with her. You're not a survivalist by any chance are you? lol

OK. Ignore the possibility. Entirely your call.

And how exactly do you battle depressing, lonely black and white photography? lolol. I'm a photographer and this makes absolutely no sense to me. Do you take up arms and take to the streets for this? As for ignoring the possibility, this is possible in any marriage.

well said !!

Both positions are right for the people who have them since they don't know of anything else. And there are many asexual people on EP also, those who have very low or non-existent sex drives, some are ok with it, some want to know what it's like to be sexually active. My wife has no desire to engage me nor wants to know if there is anything wrong or my question to her would have prompted a question in return such as "is there something wrong dear?" Instead, she flatly denies there is anything wrong and chooses instead to make the decision for both of us. This is also known as "narcissism", believing the world revolves around her despite my questioning her level of passion. If she had made the comment to me that I made to her, I would have to think seriously about whether she was happy or not, but since she didn't give it a second thought, I have to assume she just doesn't care. And as it turns out, she doesn't.

ok....so tell her that is the way her remarks and attitude come across...that she absolutely does not give a damn. And see if she is willing to discuss that problem. Because it seems that your talk ended way too soon. there was much more you needed to say.you need to tell her what you told us.
good luck....and ((((hugs))))

The talk ended very soon because I gleaned all the information I needed. To go further would have been to bring up the fact that she has no personality or sexuality, and I wasn't ready to go there yet, because I don't know how to. I don't know how to tell her she is passionless and sexless. I really don't. How do you tell someone they have nothing inside? No depth, no passion, no imagination, nothing?

"In this case, are the differences sufficient for Mrs Lightpainter to want out, so she can be free to seek a sexless partner ?"
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Or, so that she can be free to seek sex from a partner with whom she either connects with in a different way, or in whom she has less emotional investment.

Some of us have been surprised.

Either / or.

Ironically, she is the breadwinner in the marriage right now so she can do as she pleases and doesn't have to answer to anyone, including me. I'm the one staying here to maintain a roof over my head lol. I also have to make all the conversation, keep the "spark" going, or something to that effect and provide all the passion. I'm basically a one man band and have been for a long time now. I have to realize that I desire something that my wife cannot provide even if she tried. She basically has no personality, no strong emotions and therefore, very little or no sexuality.

Given that she is the bread winner than it is logical that she might be staying so she doesn't get fuc...ked over in a Divorce. Bread winners usually do.

I would still take up a free consult with a lawyer to clarify your position and at least arm yourself with some facts

In a way it is. She's fine with things the way they are, I'm the demanding one. I need some kind of response from my partner but she doesn't feel the need to respond, so in effect, it is my problem. I need something she cannot provide.

Her only crime is being hellishly boring in bed. Passionless and lifeless. My crime is wanting her to be otherwise.

There's also the possibility that 'just not with you', could be added to her responses and it would then be consistent (I know nothing of your circumstances, merely that it is possible, people who are uninterested in sex with their partners can still be sexually very active with others).

Only if the other person didn't mind being with a woman who reacts to nothing. I could see this being the case if she took the initiative and posed the same questions to me, which would mean she felt something was missing since god knows she's not one to hold her tongue if there's a problem with something.

Did she ever provide what you want?

She told me it wasn't in her personality to do so. European women are known for being direct and succinct and she's no exception. If the tables were turned and I was the one not providing her with something I would hear about it post haste.

Why did you marry a woman who cannot or will not give you what you want sexually?

Because at the time I thought she would warm up or eventually be more expressive. I had also just gone through a wretched relationship with a "crazy" shrink girlfriend and had divorced my second wife who was also quite insane. I was looking for someone "normal" and found it. Unfortunately, "normal" also meant passionless and boring. Truth is I'm really rotten at relationships. They just never work for me.

Since she has always been this way, and probably always will be, I don't see much hope of your getting what you want from her. Maybe next time look for someone more compatible sexually before you commit?

I agree. And I have to stop deluding myself into thinking the person will change, that's a total fallacy I've discovered. Not only that, but in retrospect a real exercise in hubris, I mean who the hell did I think I was? Expecting that I could change someone like that? Ugh.... seems I totally got what I deserve.