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I Should Be Grateful

I'm a new member, but I've been following the posts for a couple of weeks. I didn't realise that my feelings were justified until I read some posts here. My husband convinced me that most marriages are sexless and that I just expect too much. I still don't know what to believe because this isn't something people usually talk about openly. What I do know is that I'm not happy. Are SM's normal? It seems like all the advice outside this group takes the side of the refuser and vilifies the refused. My husband thinks I should be grateful. He sys that most women in my position would be grateful and can go withut sex if they're married to a good provider.
An Ep User An EP User 9 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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"My husband thinks this" "My husband thinks that"

In a dysfunctional situation, it doesn't matter a whole heap what your husband thinks.

What do YOU think ???????????????

Tread your own path.

Your husband makes me very angry.

<p>-----"He sys that most women in my position would be grateful and can go withut sex if they're married to a good provider."</P><br />
<p>What position is that? Dependent upon him financially? He has told you his position - shut up about sexual interaction since I support you.</P><br />
<p>You probably cannot change your husbands attitude, you however, can work to change your "position" if it is within your abilities.<br />
That might be the wisest course of action for the long term.</P>

Interesting. If he's going to use that excuse to try to shut you down, what might happen if you took to becoming financially self-sufficient?

Thank you for responding. I'm starting to realise that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am normal. I commented that our dog is also grateful for food and a roof over her head, but I'm not a pet dog. I don't expect sex often, just every now and then so that our relationship can be unique to that of owner and pet.

What's even worse is that when you talk in your sleep and let slip things like " I would gladly live in poverty with someone who wants me, then have all this, and be stuck with you"

He's full of it. Yes, there are sexless marriages, but someone is usually very unhappy about it. Normal?, no! It is probably a case of high drive against low drive which I am dealing with right now in my marriage. He, should be grateful you haven't found a boytoy to fill the void HE is causing. He is manipulating you with guilt.

You are unhappy. Your spouses response, rather than addressing the core issue that is making you unhappy, tries to "guilt" you into "shutting up": "you should be grateful".

Sure, you should be grateful he doesn't hit you. Or at least he doesn't hit you - unless he's drunk. You should be grateful you don't have to sell your a$$ on the street corner to make enough to feed your children. You should be grateful you don't live in a war zone. You should be grateful you aren't horribly deformed.

You should NEVER hear "you should be grateful" as a response to a real world issue, like lack of sex in your marriage.

Without sex, your marriage is just a roomate and coparenting situation, not a marriage. Possibly a business arrangement. Not a marriage.

You have bigger issues than no sex, if you hear "you should be grateful" ...

You can not talk to people who have normal sexual relationships about your SM. They simply do not understand. When you are having sex a couple times a week (which is average) it is easy to dismiss the importance of it. They will never understand that without sex you do not experience the human intimacy that is so essential in a relationship. I am leaving my 'good provider' even though I have not worked in 7 years and know I will face financial hardships. Pretending to be happy is just no longer worth it.

I thought that too, that being provided for was enough... but its not good enough. Its not just the sex.. its the emotional connection... I believe you can have a satisfying relationship without sex if the emotional connection is strong...(still sucks to not have sex).. but I think we all need and want sex and good sex at that.
I don't think we should consider it *normal* but rather all too common. Sadly.

I could just about manage without the sex if there was some intimacy and cuddles,and a few kisses here and there but with absolutely nothing its just too much, i sometimes thought am i asking to much or wanting it too often .I know people have different sex drives ,but once or twice a month i wouldnt say is excessive, but now thats all academic as we have begun our fourth year with nothing, ive had enough.

You should be able to have sex whenever needed by your partner. When just I want it, I let her know, and just take her. When we both want it, it's close, intimate, and loving. Make your needs perfectly clear and if they do nothing, tell them the marriage won't survive. Most importantly, communicate everything openly!

experienceman11 - "when just I want it, I let her know and just take her". -- Am I reading this wrong or are you saying you force yourself on your wife when you're in the mood whether or not she wants to??

Ya, please be aware that she isn't your property. And you *can* rape your wife. If she doesn't want it and you know it... you are violating her.

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