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It's Me, I Know.

So my husband and I tried to have kids - even though I'm on the fence about it. If I had a kid, I'd want it to be a girl; that'd be nice. However, we'd try and nothing. So we went to our doctor and he takes one look at me and says, "You probably have PCOS" Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Okay, so I'm overweight but I've seen women much bigger than me pregnant. So, I go home and cry. I didn't think I'd react that way and in fact I thought I'd be relieved. Weird reaction. But I go through the motions; I even have an internal ultrascan which the result was: We can see the right ovaries but not left. So they sent a balloon in me and shot dye inside of me; ouch. They couldn't see clearly the first time so shot me again. BIGGER OUCH! Their result: We can see the left but not right.

The Gyno doc said I probably have a blocked tube; crushed by my weight. :( I couldn't bear to tell my mom the news; that it's all my fault that I'm infertile. Then she died and I still hold onto the anger; kicking myself everyday for it. She told me all my life that I was fat; guess she was right. Even if I lost the weight I need, it'll be too late for me to have kids.

I look at my husband and wonder WHAT THE **** ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH ME? I curl up inside of myself, withdraw from him because I can't bare to be touched; feeling like I let him down.

When we do have sex, it's for him; I feel nothing. I don't want to be kissed, touched, nothing. I just let him do what he needs and then I go to bed; angry because it's about him - its all for him to make him happy and it makes me angry- at him, and especially at myself. Why can't I just WANT sex?? I feel like I've already had a hysterectomy and am doing the whole menopause without the surgery.

But you know, it didn't start with him. I lost my virginity when I was 16 (two weeks after I turned 16) because I thought that it was required of me as a partner. So I've never truly enjoyed sex.

I've thought about leaving him, I think about it almost everyday because I'm not happy. We've had a lot of issues and we talk about it to try and move on, but I wonder.. would it ..ever get better? Is it me that holds our relationship back? I feel so broken. I look around and feel so isolated from other people. I'm not like everyone else; so much so that even when I find like minded people, I can't open up anyway and therefore stay alone.

I am at my wits end. I felt like this for five years when I was younger and it was my husband who brought me out of it because I thought he was the person I am to stay with but I feel like maybe I was being selfish and stupid. I always felt like I was poison towards my ex boyfriends; that I hurt them and traumatise them and I feel like I did that with my husband.

I don't know what the answer is... I've always felt wrong in my life; like I don't belong here.
SpiritElement SpiritElement 31-35 7 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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Your "Spirit" has been broken... You need healing in your life, and you need to learn to love yourself. I'm sorry you've had a difficult struggle that was made worse by an insensitive mother and a rude and dishonest doctor. I have PCOS too. Depression could be a symptom of this... I'd like to reiterate what some others have already suggested - seek a registered sex/marriage therapist, get yourself to an endocrinologist who has experience treating PCOS (if not for childbearing, than to ***** you for diabetes and your health in general).I'm wondering if you have joined the "I Have PCOS" group on EP. I have first hand knowledge of how to treat the syndrome, if you have any questions just inbox me.You are worthy of happiness... Hopefully we can help you find your path to it. ((((Hugs))))

So much going on for you. I am sorry you find yourself "here." BUT you can do something about "it." Whatever "it" you want to tackle first. Therapy is a good starting point. Begin to explore and create who you are, the one who isn't "wrong," but beautiful and amazing, with much to offer.

I am essentially infertile. I have a blocked tube and a severely scarred uterus (undiagnosed infection after c-section). That dye test was HELL. I was so sick afterwards. BUT all is not lost. There are many options to support fertility. For me, a couple rounds of IUI resulted in a pregnancy (wonderful little monster she is... most days).

If, one day, when you have embraced who you are and find yourself in the arms of somebody you want to be intimate with for what seems like the rest of your life (perhaps your husband?), then seek out reproductive support. All is not lost. There is always hope.

First, I also have PCOS & through the help of infertility treatment had a child in my 30's. There are several fertility treatments to help with PCOS: first with medications only (about $30/month), then with IUI (intrauterine fertilizations: about $1100 per try), & finally IVF (in-vitro fertilization: about $11000 per try). They even have special finance companies to loan money for fertility treatments. Even if you and your husband don't make it you could explore IUI by yourself with donor ***** (approx. $1100 + $200 for the donor *****). As I was considering infertility (& researching PCOS) I read a line in a book that told the reader to decide how far they were willing to go for a child (financially, medically, emotionally, etc.)----I decided right there (even knowing I was in a sexless marriage) that I would go ANY distance to become a mother. That was the best decision I ever made...the amount you think you would love a child is exponentially far more than you ever imagine. I also knew if fertility treatments didn't work I would be ok looking at other alternatives: foster care/adoption. So please research your options & determine what/if anything you would like to do in that area.
Second, I agree with Bazzar, you should go through several evaluations by professionals (maybe depression because of many things: fertility problems, marriage problems, mother passing---who by your post sounds like she was narcissistic). Perhaps a psychiatrist, a reproductive endocrinologist, etc.
I also have a narcissistic mother, it is something I have had to work on (through therapy) because it is easy to pass that learned "mothering" on to your children (& other relationships). Along with individual therapy, couples therapy would be beneficial as well. From your post, it sounds like your husband desires you, it sounds like you may need to "love" yourself. Take care & God Bless

Counsellor / life coach / mentor.
There appears to be a multi stringed ball of yarn to start unpicking here.

Tread your own path.

You sound depressed - and no wonder! Please consider regular counselling for yourself to help you recover your "real" self. You are not the "bad" person you think you are, and if you can change your thinking patterns, you may well find your life getting MUCH better.

First of all your doc had no justification in delivering an opinion without a thorough exam. Get a second opinion quick.

I suffered much of your experiences and also had a "tubigram" and blocked tubes etc..after 4 years of no pregnancies. A full blood panel revealed more complications besides blocked tubes. A few miscarriages later and bam..more kids than I imagined and not by IVF either.

BUT like yourself my attitude and experiences (includes date rape) with regards to sex led to more than 7 years of sexual mental games with myself, my spouse and life in general.

I happened on this board, reamd most every story, found a new therapist (who is a sex therapist) and had the pleasure (not) of stripping away my layers of BS. Find yourself a non-traditional sex therapist and start to deal with your life. It's smacking what you might uncover.

Life doesn't change overnight either once you go start enjoying sex (again). We are all a work in progress.

My heart hurts for you because I can relate to so much of what you've been through. Be strong. You are a beautiful soul to have taken the first step and admit to a problem. That's half the battle!

You are not too late to get healthy. PCOS is far from an immediate death sentence. It makes it very hard to lose weight - it is a condition wherein your body does not process sugars properly (insulin doesn't work on the sugar you eat) yet you may feel very hungry anyways (far too much insulin produced, confusing your body regarding food AND causing too much testosterone & other hormone imbalance, affecting your ovaries).

You can learn to eat healthy, exercise, and there are also anti-diabetic medications that work (for example, metformin).

As for your mother telling you you are fat, I grew up with that stigma too, although I never was very fat. It is not too late for you to take control, be as healthy as you can be, and move on - whether it is to have children at some point or not.

Everything else is a moot point until you take control of your health. FOR YOU.