It's Me, I Know.So my husband and I tried to have kids - even though I'm on the fence about it. If I had a kid, I'd want it to be a girl; that'd be nice. However, we'd try and nothing. So we went to our doctor and he takes one look at me and says, "You probably have PCOS" Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Okay, so I'm overweight but I've seen women much bigger than me pregnant. So, I go home and cry. I didn't think I'd react that way and in fact I thought I'd be relieved. Weird reaction. But I go through the motions; I even have an internal ultrascan which the result was: We can see the right ovaries but not left. So they sent a balloon in me and shot dye inside of me; ouch. They couldn't see clearly the first time so shot me again. BIGGER OUCH! Their result: We can see the left but not right.
The Gyno doc said I probably have a blocked tube; crushed by my weight. :( I couldn't bear to tell my mom the news; that it's all my fault that I'm infertile. Then she died and I still hold onto the anger; kicking myself everyday for it. She told me all my life that I was fat; guess she was right. Even if I lost the weight I need, it'll be too late for me to have kids.
I look at my husband and wonder WHAT THE **** ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH ME? I curl up inside of myself, withdraw from him because I can't bare to be touched; feeling like I let him down.
When we do have sex, it's for him; I feel nothing. I don't want to be kissed, touched, nothing. I just let him do what he needs and then I go to bed; angry because it's about him - its all for him to make him happy and it makes me angry- at him, and especially at myself. Why can't I just WANT sex?? I feel like I've already had a hysterectomy and am doing the whole menopause without the surgery.
But you know, it didn't start with him. I lost my virginity when I was 16 (two weeks after I turned 16) because I thought that it was required of me as a partner. So I've never truly enjoyed sex.
I've thought about leaving him, I think about it almost everyday because I'm not happy. We've had a lot of issues and we talk about it to try and move on, but I wonder.. would it ..ever get better? Is it me that holds our relationship back? I feel so broken. I look around and feel so isolated from other people. I'm not like everyone else; so much so that even when I find like minded people, I can't open up anyway and therefore stay alone.
I am at my wits end. I felt like this for five years when I was younger and it was my husband who brought me out of it because I thought he was the person I am to stay with but I feel like maybe I was being selfish and stupid. I always felt like I was poison towards my ex boyfriends; that I hurt them and traumatise them and I feel like I did that with my husband.
I don't know what the answer is... I've always felt wrong in my life; like I don't belong here.