I guess everything started almost ten years ago all seemed fine we never had great sex but we had sex regularly. Then he went on deployment all seemed alright emails letters I love yous I never accused him of anything immoral (that is not me that is weak). Well he gets home. sex was uncomfortable for him I could feel it! normal after a year without sex i told myself we just got to get in the swing of it again (so i thought). 3 years later another deployment but this time he fought to go was med boarded but did everything in his power to go. Me I assume its a midlife crisis, got to prove I'm a man kind of thing. any how he goes on deployment. During the three years between deployments we had sex maybe 6-8 times. I see clearly now the few times we had sex it was a mercy f$&" , following one of my what's wrong with us talks. I am not much for fighting but I tried , he reassured me he loved me and only me it's just age maybe his meds. then the mercy lay. During the deploymentI paid off all debt Ran house both kids in HS . Hubby comes home on leave(2wks) for daughters open house during this time we tried sex and he goes soft the "it's not you it's me followed". We did not have sex again that leave. When he returned I got laid once so if your keeping track it's less than 20 times in 10 years. The emptiness of this causes never leaves. sure I get pecks every day and at least one hug and I love you's but its all hollow and meaningless without the intimacy I am 46 blond 5ft7 and weight 135 heck I grew my hair out for 11years cuz he liked it (I did not) over the last 2 yrs he has become cruel it's hard to explain the way he does it but no matter what I am saying he has a condescending rude come back so I just quit talking started hiding in other room but its so lonely. I have never cheated its not in my nature I have a great respect for The Lord but I can't think I'm ment to be wasted and unloved. Both our kids are grown daughter graduates college in may .our son works two jobs and lives at home he shares 50/50 with his son and I am the primary daycare for him, thank god I have them or I would go weeks without a nice word said to me. As I write this I see how weak I look and I hate it a month ago day before our 26th anniversary I told he I was done and wanted a divorce. I got grocery store flowers and a card signed Tim. Uasualy i get a day or to of nice He says he has never cheated, I don't believe that, but i don't make unfounded accusations. I lost my best friend for no reason I know of she just stopped answering my calls I leave a bday card at her work every year and just popped over to her house once but it was obvious me being there made her uncomfortable. She was at the open house left without saying anything then never contacted me again. Makes me wonder why ? she was living with us up until the 2nd deployment. I know I am rambling but I have no one to confide in anymore. I'm lost it would be easy if he would admit infidelity or "i'm gay" then boom move on. I'm a good cook always have a clean house keeper of all else in our lil world. If he wants something I figure out how to get it for him. He works hard and is a good man but I am not what he wants and he shows me that every day!
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4 Responses Feb 7, 2013

Mt Deleted claims another victim.

Yeah, and after 65,535 stories, too! So much effort and nothing to show for it!

Sad, really.


AWhen you feel helpless and dependant you become that way even if it is not true. See an atorney and find out exactly what you can expect and begin to plan an exit plan. It is empowering to have a plan

Has he been evaluated for PTSD?

He ought to be...

That might be the issue too. PTSD will really mess with a person. Consider joining some groups for wive's of vets with PTSD and talk to them. They might be a great resource for you :)


From my time in the military I would observe that blokes in said armed services are usually uniquely unsuitable to have relationships with as a general rule. If they aren't pretty dysfunctional before they go in, it doesn't take long for them to become so.

Anyway, that ain't helping your immediate needs Sister A.

What stopped you proceeding to divorce back at the time of your 26th anniversary ?

Tread your own path.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP to see how a separation and divorce would play out for you, because you may get more than you think, you may be ok with just the alimony in the separation.

He is very abusive to you. Lawyers visit first time is often free.


Oh. Controversial!

But as it is is I tend to agree with you, based, admittedly on my own anecdotal experience and evidence.

And it is just not what it does to marriages and relationships, it's what it does to the people. On the whole I don't think it is natural.

LOL! Even imagining that it is in some way appropriate to label it as "unnatural" is absurd, but there you go. We called them "Our heroes", pat them condescendingly on the head, and otherwise forget them and abandon them and then whine like stuck pigs when it becomes a problem in our faces.

Reminds me of meeting a Royal Marine who served in the Falklands War and ever since then has been wandering the streets, estranged from family, and every so often when it gets to be too much he either picks a fight and gets arrested or signs himself voluntarily into the local mental health unit. He seemed to have a standing arrangement and understanding with them. It seemed to be his preferred version of "care in the community".

Since then we have had the Balkans, Iraq (twice) and now Afghanistan. And in the meantime the toll keeps rising, while Vietnam is still 'unfinished business' for many.