Unwanted

I guess everything started almost ten years ago all seemed fine we never had great sex but we had sex regularly. Then he went on deployment all seemed alright emails letters I love yous I never accused him of anything immoral (that is not me that is weak). Well he gets home. sex was uncomfortable for him I could feel it! normal after a year without sex i told myself we just got to get in the swing of it again (so i thought). 3 years later another deployment but this time he fought to go was med boarded but did everything in his power to go. Me I assume its a midlife crisis, got to prove I'm a man kind of thing. any how he goes on deployment. During the three years between deployments we had sex maybe 6-8 times. I see clearly now the few times we had sex it was a mercy f$&" , following one of my what's wrong with us talks. I am not much for fighting but I tried , he reassured me he loved me and only me it's just age maybe his meds. then the mercy lay. During the deploymentI paid off all debt Ran house both kids in HS . Hubby comes home on leave(2wks) for daughters open house during this time we tried sex and he goes soft the "it's not you it's me followed". We did not have sex again that leave. When he returned I got laid once so if your keeping track it's less than 20 times in 10 years. The emptiness of this causes never leaves. sure I get pecks every day and at least one hug and I love you's but its all hollow and meaningless without the intimacy I am 46 blond 5ft7 and weight 135 heck I grew my hair out for 11years cuz he liked it (I did not) over the last 2 yrs he has become cruel it's hard to explain the way he does it but no matter what I am saying he has a condescending rude come back so I just quit talking started hiding in other room but its so lonely. I have never cheated its not in my nature I have a great respect for The Lord but I can't think I'm ment to be wasted and unloved. Both our kids are grown daughter graduates college in may .our son works two jobs and lives at home he shares 50/50 with his son and I am the primary daycare for him, thank god I have them or I would go weeks without a nice word said to me. As I write this I see how weak I look and I hate it a month ago day before our 26th anniversary I told he I was done and wanted a divorce. I got grocery store flowers and a card signed Tim. Uasualy i get a day or to of nice He says he has never cheated, I don't believe that, but i don't make unfounded accusations. I lost my best friend for no reason I know of she just stopped answering my calls I leave a bday card at her work every year and just popped over to her house once but it was obvious me being there made her uncomfortable. She was at the open house left without saying anything then never contacted me again. Makes me wonder why ? she was living with us up until the 2nd deployment. I know I am rambling but I have no one to confide in anymore. I'm lost it would be easy if he would admit infidelity or "i'm gay" then boom move on. I'm a good cook always have a clean house keeper of all else in our lil world. If he wants something I figure out how to get it for him. He works hard and is a good man but I am not what he wants and he shows me that every day!