Let The Games Begin!My husband is cycling through the attentive stage. He feels me slipping away so now he's trying to find ways to prove he's a great husband. I would agree that in general, he's a good man. He's a good father. He hasn't been good husband or a good friend to me in a long time.
He has been clingy. Wanting to know where I am and expecting me to be accountable to him for my time. Understandable. Afterall I am having an affair. I am sneaking around to talk to B. No sex. Not anymore. But it's still an inappropriate relationship. I get it.
But, why does he do this? Why hasn't he consistently wanted me? Why the games? The gifts have started again. Flowers. Cards. He's booked a fantastic hotel in another state for a long weekend get away. Right now I know he would buy me anything I wanted and more.
For me it's not about the gifts and the dollars spent. The money doesn't prove my worth. He still scowls uncontrollably. He still has mood swings without cause. He will forget I have feelings or fail to acknowledge my needs because he can. He will make it difficult for me to enjoy my day and relax because of the tension his life-sucking bad moods create. And, he acts surprised when I look him in the eye and calmly tell him I'm unhappy.
Today his bad mood started at the crack of dawn. Granted, his job is demanding and the political office he holds has it's own very public diffiulties. The time required to accomodate his work is significant. However, that does not give him the right to treat me as if I don't really matter. I have a career as well. I have work related stress and responsibilities I also have to juggle.
He was upset because his weight was up. Without as much time to hit the gym he's gained a few pounds. This started the day off. After the weigh-in things continued to go downhill. He called me multiple times while I was at my office. More so to check up on me than to really converse - at least that's what if felt like to me. After work he was cold and standoffish. When I inquired he told me he was tired. We have investment property and had to stop by to meet with prospective renters. He and I had little conversation again. On the drive home I couldn't help myself. I told him I was disappointed that he couldn't even speak to me. I told him his bad mood doesn't have to affect the rest of our family. I told him his behavior isn't fair when the rest of us are just trying to get through the day without all the stress he's imposing.
And he agreed. Then I brought up the subject of sitting down to go over our finances. That did not go over well. I told him I wanted to know all of our bills, information about our bank accounts and I wanted to set up my own separate accounts so I would have a little financial freedom. The way it's always worked is this....I charge all my expenses and he pays my credit card bill off every month. I don't have an allowance or a set spending limit he imposes on me. I just get what I want and need. He said he's offended that he's been taking all of our finances on by himself all these years and now he says it's like I'm accusing him of not doing it well. I was wrong to not participate. I see that now. I was wrong for multiple reasons.
That's his way. To make me feel guilty and inadequate. But I held my ground. I told him I wanted to separate some of the money so I could be in control of my own budget and expenses - even if it's just a portion to start with. I need to understand our finances. He said we can sit down this Sunday to go over everything. I'm going to hold him to it even if it causes a big argument.
You would think that if he really wanted me and he wanted to save our marriage he would be attentive. He wouldn't want me to turn to B to fulfill my needs. But, as I type this at almost 1 am he's sleeping soundly beside me as he has been since 9:30. He can sleep peacefully while I stay up wondering how I can get out of this relationship that breaks my spirit without breaking the hearts of the people I love.
And then there's the issue with B. Will he ever leave his wife? Could we have a happily ever after? Some of the comments I received from my EP friends cautioned me against believing things would work out between us. I appreciate the feedback and do take the advice to heart. My happiness should not rest in the arms of any man. My happiness must start and end with me. At this point in my life just having someone who makes me feel valued and someone who is so easy to talk to it feels like a friendship that has transcended time - that's enough. What will be, or won't be, is yet to be determined.
I'm still guilty of being unfaithful. I'm still feeling trapped by my situation. I'm still trying to extricate myself by sticking to an exit plan. I still hope I can find the strength to leave this life behind. So right now I'm in the middle of the gamesmanship. But I see it for the reality it is. It's another attempt to mask my husband's inability and commitment to acknowledge and accomodate my needs as a woman. Because I'm more than just a wife and a mother. I'm a person. I'm a woman. I have needs...and dammit I'm here!