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Last Night

For those of you you've read my other stories, you know I've thought about divorce even told my husband I wanted one but he doesnt. Hes changed a little so I had some hope but am not sure at alll what to do. Anyway I still try to fix things and last night was no different. (Sorry for the detail in this, I just need to vent a little)

My husband and I went to dinner and was having a somewhat good night. When we got home we talked and it seemed like he would be in a reciprocating mood. He sat down to watch tv, so I went in the bedroom and changed. I put on a corset and stocking and heels. Anyway I came out and knelt in front of the chair. And told him I want to suck your ****. He then asked me where the remote was. I found it in the chair next to him and threw it aside. I tried to start things and he pushed me away. I told him I was in the mood and he said it wasnt his problem. So I got up and changed.

I wasnt that surprised by his reaction becuase hes done this before, but I justt wish i knew what i do wrong. I wish i could pinpoint what I did to make my husband stop wanting me. I never ever imagined having to beg my husband to touch me. I dont think I've changed that much. Maybe I have. Maybe I just dont look good anymore. I know people will say its him and not me. But my own husband wont **** me, there is something very wrong with that. I just wish he would tell me what I did.

I'm sorry for whining. Im just really hurt today.
jencpa jencpa 31-35, F 16 Responses Feb 8, 2013

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Re-reading this again and...

"I put on a corset and stocking and heels... And told him I want to suck your ****. He then asked me where the remote was."

On the behalf of myself and probably in agreement with all the male members of ILIASM, there is something seriously wrong with this man.

First, I'm very sorry to hear this. I know you're conflicted about what to do. I'll let others analyze what you should do. I'm sort of a new kid here and I'm making mistakes that I'm sure many veteran members of this community have seen over and over, and despite kindness, I bet it's frustrating.

The thing that strikes me is that even if you remove the fact that you two are married and that you're offering a selfless act of sexual fulfillment for him, take about both of those things and it's still just RUDE.

I mean, let's say you had bought him a gift...maybe an expensive watch? Can you imaging handing it to him and him just throwing it on the floor, without so much as a thank you?

This is what gets me, and I know it's a very small part, but a kind person would at least feel badly about not wanting you. Not wanting you could be a physical thing. It could be mental. Maybe, as you say, you're not attractive to him anymore. Even if those things were correct, is it too much to be pleasant?

"Gosh. I'm so sorry. I can't explain why but I just don't want to. I'm so sorry if I'm hurting you." Is that so much?

The rejection is bad enough for me, but when it's callous, as if the spouse doesn't care if you cry your eyes out all night, that's pretty darn rotten.

It is not your fault at all beautiful. You are an amazing woman and he is too stupid or too ignorant to see that. He is not worth the effort anymore. I would take you right then and there if that was me and you offered me what you did him with what you were wearing

Your husband says he wants to be married to you on one hand, and on the other hand he says he doesn't want to have sex with you. The statements conflict with each other. Both statements cannot be true. So, one of those statements must be bullshit. Assuming you're a CPA, use your accounting mind. The debits don't equal the credits. The only way to balance the journal entry is to plug it with bullshit.

Good analogy.

He's got a wonderful, passionate woman and instead of treating her like the treasure she is? He treats her like dirt.
If you had done something to "deserve" this? it's his responsibility to discuss what it was when you did it.
You aren't a psychic.
Stop thinking it's you.
It's him.

The evidence is clear. Your seduction technique would have had the vast majority of men chomping at the bit (male ILIASMers would have probably gave themselves a hernia trying to get their pants off so quickly!), not the toxic rejection you got.

It's a bitter pill to swallow to realise that all the passion & desire that manifested itself as hot sex and whole weekends spent in bed from the past is NEVER coming back. NOTHING that YOU ALONE can do can influence this.

You need to stop living in the past. Assess your current situation for the ****** up ****** existence it is and plan your future.

If you are in a dysfunctional marriage (and believe me, you ARE) it is going to come down on YOU to rectify the situation. That will NOT come from any alteration on HIS behaviour in the situation, rather it will come from YOU getting OUT of the situation.

This is terribly disruptive stuff. Getting out is hard, painful, difficult, challenging, harsh and hard work. Who would willingly subject themselves to an ordeal as getting out of a shithole marriage ? There is nothing but pain involved in the process. And what if there are kids involved ? And the social stigma ? And the (insert your own reasons here) ?

Your mind wants to help you avoid pain. Leaving would involve pain. The mind wants to avoid that potential pain. It has enough to deal with with your present pain. And in these circumstances, the mind usually prevails. But the concious needs to have some reason to hang the inaction on. The reason the concious might come up with is that somehow "this is MY fault, so I have to stay and rectify that".

That reasoning flies in the face of the facts (that it ain't YOUR behaviour that has caused the dysfunction) but once entrenched in your head it really takes some shaking loose.

Ready to do some shaking ???????

Tread your own path.

I just wish you would tell us what turns you on about this person that treats you so callously.

I am not that turned on by him anymore. However I hate knowing I failed at my marriage. I hate that I cant make him want me. I dont want to just give up. And since we are still married I want to please him. I know he could care less if he pleases me but I'm still his wife and I want to make him happy.

It seems that the best way to please him (if that is what you insist on doing), is to stop trying to have sex with him since he is clearly not interested in sex with you. It will make HIS marriage a pleasant and stress free one. It will make HIS marriage something he values and enjoys. It will make HIS marriage perfect. How would that make YOUR marriage?

You know the score. He either cannot or will not love you the way you want and need to be loved. The ball is squarely in your court. Stay and keep trying or hoping for a change, or go, you make the choice with eyes wide open. They are not great choices, but they are yours to make nonetheless. My two cents - life is short - live it with love, passion and intimacy. Be well.

Oh that is awful for him to do that to you. Hugs

Remind me of the gag where the sadist takes the masochist out on a date. They get home to the sadists place, and the masochist strips naked and says -
- "hit, me, whip me, butt your smoke out on me, slap me, pull my hair"
The sadist says - "No"

You appear to need a goodly dose of "me" thinking Sister Jencpa. These scented candles strategies you are trialling will only work in a jaded marriage. In a genuine ILIASM shithole, this strategy is useless. Worse than useless really when you take into account the further damage they do to your self esteem.

Tread your own path.

This scenario is a nightmare for you. On the other hand, you may have given your H. exactly what he wanted--an opportunity to crush your spirit. An opportunity to feel so very superior, so very powerful, so very independent, by making you feel so very puny. As far as your spouse is concerned, maybe this played out just as he intended.

You may be right. Sometimes he does things that he know turns me on, and then will abrutly stop. When I question him why or what happened or sometimes even beg to continue he will just walk away. So maybe he does like the control aspect.

I agree with the others . . . not your "fault" at all. He's got some serious issues if you'd go to all that trouble (LOVE the outfit, by the way) and then he'd reject you that coldly, right to your face. Amazing.

I know a bit of what you're feeling today. My question is, how much of that humiliation and rejection do we have to take, before we take direct action of some sort? How long are we supposed to struggle along like that, waiting for the affection we need that may never come? Everyone's pain threshhold for this stuff is different, but we all have our limits, too.

I dont know. Somedays I'm sure I know what I should do, and then something will happen that i will question it.

I would say there is something VERY wrong with that picture. If my wife showed up in a corset and wanted to give me a bj, I would turn the tv off in an instant. I am so sorry he rejected you ... rest assured you did nothing to deserve that!

I don't think you did anything wrong! I mean, you didn't even indicate that he was going to have to reciprocate, from what I can tell from your facts (although maybe that was inferred by you "being in the mood" too, I don't know). But what guy would not accept a hot come-on like this from his wife??? For it to start out with a nice suck? That would put me in the mood to do ANYTHING for her.

Stop asking what you did wrong, and ask your husband to go get his package checked for defects....

It would be different if you had little kids in your life and he felt self-conscious about being witnessed, but come on!!! I would give anything for that scenario to happen in my life still.....

listen to what esjey said. him saying "it's not my problem" is cruel. a man who loves you (*truly* loves you) will find a way to engage with you--or, if there's a reason (illness, whatever) for him not wanting to engage, MUCH kinder, more loving way of saying "no."


something else is going on. not saying its another relationship (tho it might be)--but there's something dreadfully wrong.

IT'S NOT YOU. (repeat several hundred times).


hate to say this but i really REALLY think you need to get to a lawyer. fast.


(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

"I put on a corset and stocking and heels. Anyway I came out and knelt in front of the chair. And told him I want to suck your ****. He then asked me where the remote was."
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Having just a little trouble believing I just read that. Nothing I can do but shake my head. I don't suppose there's any history of concussions?