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Vicious Cycle

Two marriages....one failed, the other status unknown. What has been my part of these and please God, how did I fail to recognize danger signs that must have been there. I have to assume that somehow my attributes were an open invitation to a personality type that is destructive to me, a masked incompatibility that appears only after the layers of familiarity are peeled away. Or, for the sake of argument, that incompatibility didn't exist at the start, but grew from nothing..well, just because it could or in response to a particular personality trait I own.
My gut feeling has always served me well; the times I ignored it spelled disaster for me. After a divorce I promised myself to avoid long term committments in the future, I didn't trust them or my ability to manage them. Still I longed for intimacy and sometimes that comes with strings. Ideally I would have liked the status quo, having lovers with little or no practical attachments was plenty for me, exciting even...but I felt too often I was being selfish, taking emotions from someone and giving little back. I didn't count on anyone falling in love.
Essentially males are criticized often for just such behaviors, playing the field so to speak, and I very much was intrigued with my ability to do just that at a time, unlike now, when women didn't often do that. I was comfortable with my secret love 'em & leave 'em life excepting aformentioned guilt but I also knew there was a life span to that life and I could expect at some point my lovers would have moved on and paired off.
I tried very hard to resist another long term exclusive relationship, still holding on to my marriage ban and my doubts....we lived together for about 8 years before marrying, long enough to build trust and determine compatibility, right?
Wrong. You see, the simple thing is....relationships are not static. What you see initially is not necessarily what you're going to get in the future. So when I agreed to marry I was basing that decision on what I perceived at the time to be highly compatible relationship with a loving, passionate larger than life man, very obviously dedicated and totally committed to satisfying me in every way. At that time I was saying, yes, I like this and I'm all over it.
Almost 10 years my junior but still alpha, he argued away my fear of our age difference, said it meant little, and I suppose in our case, it doesn't...intellectually. Over time however, our physical needs changed drastically along with our interests. Or, our relationship was altered by outside influences and interactions we couldn't predict.
I've changed....he's changed. Does it challenge my power trip or his?
So...can or should we interfere with these changes? Aren't these just part of a normal (loose term) life cycle? Is it practical to hold out for a reversal? I may very well be missing something here...am I just resisting change? Am I yet again mismanaging my life? Or, perhaps, as I sometimes suspect, I lack necessary skills.
****! I was afraid of that....
cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 10 Responses Feb 8, 2013

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**** happens, change happens. Individuals evolve at different ates, in different ways. Should be lesson 101 before sex is allowed, or marriage.

...give "larger than life" people a wide birth, and always be prepared for change.

I can see why this would knock your self confidence, although it's unlikely to be that there's anything wrong with you

I spent over 28 years in an almost sexless relationship and marriage (I say almost because two amazing children/friends were produced and I'm eternally grateful for that)...But if I'm honest with myself.....I'd still be in that same relationship if my wife at the time hadn't left...stupid yes, but we play the hands we're dealt to some extent don't we?

Well, she didn't....she folded her cards and left. Fine. That's what I did the first time. Then, I thought I had been dealt a better hand. But as in all gambling, I was wrong, and the impossible happened....I lost. Again. (expletive deleted) !

lol...I wasn't judging or advising...the story just reminded me of the situation I found myself in...(now a days I consider myself a fool for staying so long)
I think we should always be evaluating and re evaluating our lives and situations...I was stupid...and truthfully didn't think anyone else would love me...

Incompatibility between two people in certain areas is a given in any situation. It is how those differences are handled that determine the outcome. One can chose to integrate the differences and learn from each other with them, accept the differences and simply be aware and tolerant of them, or reject the differences and accept the inevitable conclusion. It comes down to a question of which you decide and if you are willing to accept the results.

Not going to give advice, just wish the best for you.

Life is unpredictable,and yes, people change,you cannot blame yourself,to me it seems you gave it a good try,the best marriages can disintegrate under certain circumstances or a lot of adversity,some events can bring people closer together or can tear them apart, it all depends on the people,on who they are,on their weaknesses or strengths,on their level of maturity and their depth of insight.Life can get the better of all of us, the saying,"life happens" says it all.Take care.

Ma;I think you are much to hard on yourself. I think most people would have given in long before 8 years had passed.
Relationships are never static. Even if couples were totally honest which I do not believe they normally are for a number of reasons the partners will change over time.
I think that is especially true in our 50's and 60's. Many of my peers reach for the little blue pill, but feel inadequate in some way because they can not do it on their own. New aches and pains that do not go away the way they had in the past start to creep into their life. Realization that they are not going to live forever. Normally during this period parents often pass away driving it home even more.
Energy levels are not what they used to be. Realizing that they are never going to be what they once were can be very depressing. We all handle that differently.
When you had the talk with him a few weeks ago I thought you were very courageous, and I still do. I think bazzar is correct in that if you can step away and analyze it you will come up with many of the answers, but possibly not all. We have a hard enough time figuring our own motives much less our partners, but you will get a lot of it if you continue to have open communications and then take a little break away.
May you find the peace you seek.

I thought my husband was going to love and be a provider. I have come to the conclusion he saw me as a meal ticket. Now I hate him but for various reasons can't leave for about 5 years.. good luck xxx

I'm sorry...both for your disappointment and inability to leave. I could leave, yes, but not before I determine WHY I'm leaving.

Chasing your own "whys" is a very valuable passtime Ms Ma.

Unlike chasing someone elses "why" which is ******* useless.

It requires clarity of thought, which tends to emerge when you are out of the toxic atmosphere of a dysfunctional situation. A bit of distance from the toxicity, a bit of time away from the toxicity, and a bit of fearless taking of your own inventory, and you'll find YOUR "why" alright. Indeed, if this actually matters to you then, you will probably have a pretty good idea what HIS "why" was too.

Tread your own path.