Vicious CycleTwo marriages....one failed, the other status unknown. What has been my part of these and please God, how did I fail to recognize danger signs that must have been there. I have to assume that somehow my attributes were an open invitation to a personality type that is destructive to me, a masked incompatibility that appears only after the la
My gut feeling has always served me well; the times I ignored it spelled disaster for me. After a divorce I promised myself to avoid long term committments in the future, I didn't trust them or my ability to manage them. Still I longed for intimacy and sometimes that comes with strings. Ideally I would have liked the status quo, having lovers with little or no practical attachments was plenty for me, exciting even...but I felt too often I was being selfish, taking emotions from someone and giving little back. I didn't count on anyone falling in love.
Essentially males are criticized often for just such behaviors, playing the field so to speak, and I very much was intrigued with my ability to do just that at a time, unlike now, when women didn't often do that. I was comfortable with my secret love 'em & leave 'em life excepting aformentioned guilt but I also knew there was a life span to that life and I could expect at some point my lovers would have moved on and paired off.
I tried very hard to resist another long term exclusive relationship, still holding on to my marriage ban and my doubts....we lived together for about 8 years before marrying, long enough to build trust and determine compatibility, right?
Wrong. You see, the simple thing is....relationships are not static. What you see initially is not necessarily what you're going to get in the future. So when I agreed to marry I was basing that decision on what I perceived at the time to be highly compatible relationship with a loving, passionate larger than life man, very obviously dedicated and totally committed to satisfying me in every way. At that time I was saying, yes, I like this and I'm all over it.
Almost 10 years my junior but still alpha, he argued away my fear of our age difference, said it meant little, and I suppose in our case, it doesn't...intellectually. Over time however, our physical needs changed drastically along with our interests. Or, our relationship was altered by outside influences and interactions we couldn't predict.
I've changed....he's changed. Does it challenge my power trip or his?
So...can or should we interfere with these changes? Aren't these just part of a normal (loose term) life cycle? Is it practical to hold out for a reversal? I may very well be missing something here...am I just resisting change? Am I yet again mismanaging my life? Or, perhaps, as I sometimes suspect, I lack necessary skills.
****! I was afraid of that....
deleted 26-30 7 Responses 7 Feb 8, 2013