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Wow, Now Not Sexless, But Craving Emotional Intimacy With The Sex!

For too long in my 2nd marriage I have accepted the whole sexless thing. I have recently put my foot down and have given my spouse the right of first refusal (meaning that i told her that I would outsource if she kept refusing me). I am now getting relief of some sort every other day, but it is not emotionally satisfying.

I have not been with many women in my life (my first true love, my first wife and my current wife, a total of three women). When I am with a woman, I am in it full tilt! I really feel close when communing physically with my partner and I have not cavalierly shared myself with someone who I did not love.

I am doing what my wife wants of me (lose weight and grow out my hair (she likes the bad boys)). I try to engage her in cuddling and deep conversation, but she tells me that I am a chick! I do everything to emotionally commune with her, but to no avail. I ask her to tell me what she desires sexually, but she will not give that information. I feel lost. She tells me that I am too emotional and that my needs are not sustainable.

Truth be told, sex is necessary, but not necessarily sufficient, for my happiness in a relationship. WRT sex, my wife complains of a sideways ovary (intercourse is painful), a hand injury (handjobs are painful), TMJ (giving oral is painful), so that leaves me with doing it with her armpit or her grimacing while she allows me intercourse. Regardless, I always give her oral and take her to ****** when she will allow it before I get off.

I still feel emotionally empty. I crave the emotional and physical, and am only getting half-hearted physical, but no emotional.

Maybe I am expecting too much and should be happy with what I have. Who knows? In any case, sorry for venting and I hope others fare better than I am doing now.

sojourner999 sojourner999 41-45, M 16 Responses Feb 9, 2013

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It's emotionally empty because you know she's only doing it to appease you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know it hurts - from personal experience. But I had to cut through the b.s. and get right to the point.

I truly hope that you somehow, some way, have the complete satisfaction and love that you crave - with a woman who wants to share this with you.

You are so correct! Sometimes it takes a little extra for me to realize things, but I eventually catch on.

Hope you are doing well.

Why doesn't she have her sideways ovary removed so she can enjoy sex? If I had a medical problem that was causing sex to be painful, I'd be willing to have surgery to correct it because I love having sex! I wouldn't be doing this for a lover, but for myself.

Sounds to me like your wife doesn't like sex at all if she would allow a correctable medical problem to prevent her from having intercourse.

You are not expecting too much to expect to have a fulfilling sex life with your wife.

Also before you were married did you have an enjoyable sex life with her? When exactly did you find out that it seems virtually everything sexual is painful for her? How was your son conceived?

Here's an article about how children of various ages are affected by divorce, and when may be the best time to divorce: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Children_and_Divorce/besttime.html

If was bait and switch. Before marriage, she aced like she loved everything we did together (in be and out). After marriage, sex was for procreation (for her). Once son was born, she did a 180.

Oh, sojourner. You deserve so much better.

Then, she doesn't deserve to be with you because she tricked you into marriage. What you are hoping for in a wife is what is normal in marriage.

You can talk to a lawyer to find out what your legal rights and obligations in a divorce would be and how you could work out a divorce that would allow you to remain closely involved with your son. Usually the first visit to a lawyer is free.

Also get into individual therapy so you can get support, an unbiased look at your life, and you can get the confidence and insights to take the steps to make your life happier.

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Get out, no marriage is worth it, don`t be the martyr and stick it out for the child. Do you not have a life too?

An update after almost a year:

Still unsatisfying "duty sex" when I absolutely require it, and I use the term sex loosely, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part. Sometimes she even starts a timer on her watch and says, "OK, you have 5 minutes, it's over whether you climax or not." Now I have to play "race the timer on her watch!" Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! And I know I am only getting this because I am the sole breadwinner and she does not want to loose her financial comfort.

My hair is growing long and is naturally curly and I have lost weight (both of which she requested). I am starting to again take on the appearance of a bad-boy biker type and getting attention of the ladies that like the look of a "dangerous" guy. If only they knew I was a teddy bear computer programmer nerd!

The only solace is the newfound attention I am receiving from the lady folks at work and the gym. I must say it is like a drug to have attractive gals pay attention to me and chat me up (they loose some interest when I say I am married).

Anyway, I am not treading my own path, just barely treading water!

I have myself to blame, but I cannot fathom loosing full time access to my son.

" Sometimes she even starts a timer on her watch and says, "OK, you have 5 minutes, it's over whether you climax or not.""
Why you allow her timing you, while she is getting what she possibly want? Why not to try a new approach- 5 min for me, 5 min for you? You voluntarilyaccepted a doormat role... As you are not going to get out of this marriage, try to get your self respect at least!

That new approach would not work. She does not want 5 minutes with me. I know I compromise my self respect with accepting this environment. I wish I was better/stronger.

Bit by bit I am.

I'm continuing with Me projects. This morning, W, previously unable to do even a HJ, tries one without me even asking, miracles of miracles, but don't get fooled by the mirage of We. Stay strong with the Me approach, it's the only thing that ever has lasting success.

<p>Mine's got bad knees (missionary it is, when it happens). She's "conflicted" about anything oral (WTF does that mean?). Sex? "I'm just not interested" Painful intercourse? Nothing kills the mood faster that her looks of pain. Suggestions about how to avoid pain and make lovemaking enjoyable? She refuses to talk about lovemaking, And be sure the lights are turned out - God forbid that she actually sees anything happening.</P><br />
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<p>It just dawned on me that this goes beyond lovemaking. I just about had to force her to see her own son being born. I thought it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen. She really didn't want to look and had an epidural, so she wouldn't feel ANYTHING.</P><br />
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<p>Kinda like she had a "Marriage Epidural" - doesn't seem to feel anything for the marriage either.</P>

Another armpit story, what is this, a new trend?
I have to say very creative...............and sad.

Nothing creative. It is what it is. When begging for scraps, we don't always get to choose what is thrown to us.

TMJ is what I got from giving too much oral LOL
I'm not joking either, I have a permanent click in my jaw when I open too wide

Yes, yes and yes.

Took a few comments and replies, but eventually you drilled down to it - you are "staying for the kids".
Two stories I'd recommend you read.
"We Stay For The Kids"
"You Pay Now, the Kids Can Pay Later".

They'll give you something to challenge your thinking.

Tread your own path.

You are all making me think more about my situation, and that is good. It is difficult for me, but I believe it is good for me. Thanks to all who have replied and who will reply!

Do you need love?

To survive, no. To thrive, yes!

The moment I decided to leave my STBX was when I was very upset and asked him just to hold me. That refusal of intimacy broke me in a way years of sexlessness hadn't. Your story should be an example to all those who say "Oh it's just sex". A SM is a symptom of much bigger problems.

Yup. SM is a symptom of another cause.

The bigger question is, why did she marry YOU when she has obviously very little attraction to you? She pretty much says above she's not attracted to you - emotionally or physically, you are not her "type". Putting aside the physical illness issues for the moment (have they been corroborated by a physician, btw?)

She told me she invested too much time in me to not marry me. That was her reply when I confronted her about it being unfair to me that the married me when she was not physically attracted to me.

Hand issue has been corroborated by physician. Ovary position and TMJ never was brought up until after we married.

Given that position on her part, WHY on earth would YOU stay married to her???

I do love her. She is a good mother to my son. Most importantly, I do not want to lose full time access to my child.

Have you consulted a lawyer to see where you stand?

Not yet.

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-----"(she likes the bad boys)). I try to engage her in cuddling and deep conversation, but she tells me that I am a chick!"

She has told you that bad boys make her wet, not chicks. She has told you that you(or should I say your behavior) is that of a chick (that would be your emoting bids for attention and connection) - so she ain't goona get hot for you. She doesn't want to "emotionally commune" with you.

That behavior is UNHOT for her.

Reasons? Who knows.

So you use her armpit.

What is not clear about her position?

And more importantly, what are you going to do to get to living a higher quality of life?

We have a young child, so at this time, I will keep on doing what I am doing. Getting substandard "sex" from an unwilling participant. It would hurt my child too much and me too much to lose fulltime contact with my child.

Rethink that last statement. Every study shows that children of parents who separate - especially when they are YOUNG - show much less trauma than those in dysfunctional unions.

This topic has been endlessly debated on here. Look up "staying for the kids".

Thanks for the input. I will lookup what you recommended.

Sex is never fulfilling if you feel like you are taking it , rather than your partner giving it.
You are not asking for too much .

Agreed, it is marginally better than ************.

agreed,,,,,,marginally,,at best.

----noting my story on wifes response to initiation

The feeling of being "serviced "ruins the whole thing.

Wow, your wife certainly has a lot to say about you - and it's not flattering. The question is...why are you still listening? You sound like a pretty good guy to me, and most women I know (including my wife) would probably agree. But the important point is..how do YOU feel about who you are? Once you answer that question for yourself, other things will fall into place.

I for one do not think it is asking too much to want a marriage to include a satisfying physical relationship. But what I or anyone else thinks doesn't matter at all, really - it's what YOU think that counts.

I feel like I would have more, but am accepting less due to the child situation.

"Maybe I am expecting too much and should be happy with what I have."
But you aren't happy.
Nor are you expecting too much.
Y'all got married, you are supposed to be there for each other, yet she's refusing to be there for you emotionally in the ways you need.
My experience is that emotional neglect really starts to hurt the longer it goes on.
I think this is going to take her seeking therapy in order to become more comfortable with her own feelings.
Considering her physical issues, I'd suggest trying a Fleshlight between her thighs, this might be pleasurable for you without hurting her any.

IF she indeed has ovary issues, the I'd rather have unconventional relief, e.g., her armpit, rather than a sex toy. If we started using a fleshlight, she would soon remove herself from the sex and I would be back to ************ alone, but with a toy and not my hand.

Good point....I note that receiving"duty sex" made me feel like a sex abuser, and I eventually began to have to force myself to be "serviced" by her.
Not sure if that is the same for you, I have issues like Time magazine, yanno?

Hylierandom - not the same for me.