Something About Us....I have read so many of these stories on ILIASM, and accompanying observations from the posters that "He (she) knew there was something wrong, but did not think I would ever leave him (her)."
Yes. But what is it about US, the intimacy-starved spouses, that made our partners think we would stick around?
I examine myself here for a minute, so humor me as I drivel on about this.
I remember before we married, H said something, and I do not even remember the exact context, only that it followed a discussion about the disintegration of his first marriage, words like "I know you would never leave me". And even during our marriage counseling session, he said to the therapist, "By the end of the day, Engel and I know we can count on each other."
So he had such faith in my permanence that it was quite okay in his mind to forego sex except for 6 times a year, ongoing for 7 years or so, and to withhold affection all time, not even bothering to sleep in our bed?
You know, I have never been a doormat to him. When I am pissed off at him, boy does he know it. And if there is something he wants me to do and I am adamantly opposed, I stand up for myself. Further, I am not particularly unattractive and would not have too much trouble finding another man for some physical pleasure at least (and it was not a problem to find it, believe me), and the outsourcing could have escalated into full blown emotional affair if I were unfortunate enough.
So what is it? What is it about me? Or any of us, for that matter?
Is it because I am an introvert and not much of a social creature? Because I am not particularly adventurous? What? What is it?
Because if H dies tomorrow, and leaves me widowed, I do not want to send the same signals to an equally intimacy averse man again. Of course, I have no intention to ever marry again anyhow, but the point is, I do not want any such relationship folly to repeat itself, even with a casual boyfriend.
EinEngel 46-50, F 22 Responses 6 Feb 9, 2013