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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Wow Not The Respoinse I Expected

By: thomascan
Written on February 9th, 2013
I asked my wife why she was making efforts at both emotional and physical intimacy when for so many years she had never considered this important.

Her response: “Because I was a fool. I thought that if I was basically happy then my partner should be too. I failed to see if you were not happy then I was destroying what mattered most to me. I can’t believe I fell into the same mistake I watched my mother make – thinking that things were not great but ok and then losing my dad to a much younger woman.

“I had thought that being ill gave me a pass to be crabby and bitchy. I do not have more energy but I am allocating it differently now, focusing on what really matters, hoping I am not too late.

“I know you have your doubts and all you can do is watch and wait to see what happens. I am just thankful you are at least giving me the opportunity to try and change.”
By: thomascan
Age: 46-50
367 people have read this story

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8 responses
  • thatchma68
    thatchma68

    Great that she has questioned herself to your needs.

    Feb 23
    1 like
  • ulae
    ulae

    I will never get in your situation, but if I did, and asked the above question, my wife would immediately question back, "so which way would you rather have it? you need to first make up your mind, you know". So I give your wife already an A+ for good manners, even if it is all fake.

    Feb 10
    1 like
  • bazzar
    bazzar

    Cynical me has to ask - was there an addendum to this statement ? something along the lines - "so lets forget about getting that silly written agreement officially notarised"

    Tread your own path.

    Feb 9
    1 like
  • pamelamc
    pamelamc

    I too, just in the past two days, seem to be in a similar situation. Only time will tell. Good luck!

    Feb 9
    1 like
  • GibbySan
    GibbySan

    At first I thought maybe your wife had finally seen the light - although at this late date the odds that you are still truly attracted to her and can pick up where things should have been a quarter century ago aren't great - then I read this from your other story, written a mere 8 days ago:

    "When I suggest I would like to follow her advice and outsource the sexual demands that she cannot meet due to illness etc. Now she is pissed and wants to try and meet them. WTF!

    I told my wife bluntly PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. The only way I have been able to forgive the rejections of more than 20 years is to blame your disease and if you suddenly are able to be more sexual then I know that you rejected me all these years because you wanted to, not because you couldn’t and I not think I could handle that."

    Now, in the above story, your wife is having a change of heart and is going to "reallocate" her time in order to be the wife she should have been all along.

    My husband managed to become sexual every week for 15 months, after next to nothing for 19 years, and now it's back to zero for the last 7 months.

    I always thought it was medical, but when I finally realized he was passive aggressive, I knew he'd been withholding not because he can't, but because he just doesn't want to.

    Plus what MVC and TTBM said.

    Feb 9
    1 like
    • thomascan
      thomascan

      Well we have witnessed agreement for outsourcing for long enough to certainly see if she is able to maintain anything. In addition, even if she was I doubt that I would agree to stop the outside relationship after a mere 6 or even 12 months. It took years to get us to this point and I need to see an extended period of emotional and sexual sensativity before I would consider being a monogomous couple again.

      Feb 9
      1 like
  • TTBM
    TTBM

    All in all that is a very mature response by her, it really is. That is good because it does two things. 1) Maybe, just maybe it means she has openned her eyes to what is happening and realizes that her behavior is important in a "we" relationship. 2) It gives you a baseline. If she backs away from intimacy in the future you know based on this statement that she fully understands the responsibility she has in making this work.
    Like mvcmvc stated the proof will lay itself out over time, but this gives you bottom line to work forward from. You never again have to ask yourself if "she really understands it" she does.

    Feb 9
    2 likes
  • mvcmvc
    mvcmvc

    The changes will be manifested in behavior (not words) and will be sustainable.

    That will be your "proof" over the long term.

    Feb 9
    2 likes