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Me Too!

I live in a sexless marriage by choice.  Yes, by choice.

Am I happy? No. 

I chose to stop having sex with a man who loves beer, tobacco and marihuana above a all else.  As long as those three items are present then all is well in the world.  Not!

In the fall of 2010 he took one of those angry, staggering and hateful looks at me and sneered "I WILL NEVER CHANGE".  As many of the posters here have mentioned, the switch was now on the "OFF" position for me.

I remember it like yesterday; I can see where each of us was standing and how utterly clear it was that I could no longer be his wife. That was December 2011.

Day by day, or, night by night really (cause the only intimacy ever was between 2 and 6 AM with the mornin wood) I began to say no. To withdraw.  After a few rejections he began to get loud and say things no one should ever say to a spouse.  I would give in for the sake of peace in the home but each time was more disgusted.  There came a time when I gave in but ended up sobbing.  Upon noticing, he asked if i were crying...  when I didn't reply he flew off the handle.

The next day, I advised that if he EVER touched me again against my wishes, he would be arrested for rape and assault.

I have since gone through many sleepless nights but have never more given in.

But I am not sexless.  My libido is healthy and vibrant.

This person has turned into what my heart sees as a rapist.  Giving in is telling him it's ok to choose to stagnate the rest of your life, the world is beautiful because he "had" me.  Therefore, I will continue what I do for relief, find joy where i can and occasionally - - - be lonely.
jojo2u jojo2u 46-50, F 4 Responses Feb 9, 2013

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Refused / refuser. Doesn't matter.

Dysfunctional marriage (with the added 'bonus' of co-ercive sexual assault) ???

THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.

You need "out". As in yesterday.

Are there support groups in your jurisdiction ?
I'd suggest you start ringing them - NOW.

Tread your own path.

Your guy is not happy and abuses his body with smokes and drink. You are making him even less happy by rejecting him. Is there nothing he does right in the relationship or is he just a complete bum? And what about you - what do you bring to the party?

Interesting you should ask... He does help taxi the kids while i'm working my 12-15 hour days and does help with housework.
I bring the higher salary, the moral rearing, medical care and nurturing to the household.
For our entire 25 yrs, after 5PM (if hes home) there is no conversation that can happen w/out him losing it cause he can't handle serious planning or financial responsibility...
i used to give him everything he wanted but got to the point that needs of the house were more important the wants of the man.

At first it sounds like you are better off without him, but reading between the lines he may be getting some things right. Even though u earn more, he does bring in an income, and he does love the kids I expect. He doesn't like financial planning? Well you do it then - just open another bank account and tell him you will be putting $50 a week in there to save for the next family holiday. Maybe there are some positives in your marriage that you don't consider any more. I don't know what you can do about the sex/rape thing though. Sounds like you'll have to do without it if you continue in this marriage.

You have taken one step to exercising your choice and freedom.
Can you go further and be truly free?

I have to heal my wings first...working on it

You have been on the board for a while.



Your spouse appears to have substance abuse issues so, in turn, you have shut down the intimacy. He has weapons in the house that you must be mindful of. You don't think he would use them but that is always in the back on your mind.



You feel trapped because of monetary and spiritual issues.



Is there any action you have taken to break this deadlock?



Individual counselling to help you discover and tackle your own co-dependency issues?



Financial counselling to help you get on your feet?



Career counselling to help you get a job, or a better one?



Higher education?



Building a support network that can be of help if you ever want to leave?



Any type of plan whatsoever for your long term future that will enable you to help yourself and get to living a higher quality of life?



Any action?

I fell - paralysed in a sense... but, I do think it's time for counseling (again). He shut me down the first time telling me we couldn't afford it. Well, he just bought a 3rd laptop. I think i can see a counselor. Thans for the push.

I get the sense from reading your stories that you DO feel paralyzed. Start my doing something for yourself only (like you did by posting the story), seeking individual counselling without telling him or asking his permission. In other words, start taking steps for ME, because there is no WE in your marriage. If you cannot afford it perhaps there might be counsellors that can direct you to group therapy for little to no charge, etc. You might also contact a women's shelter - they deal with spouses of addicted spouses who have no fincancial resources all the time and can provide guidance.

I was going to post the suggestion of the women's shelter... thanks mvcmvc