Is This It For The Rest Of My Life?

1st off, i'd like to say thank you to everybody who has had the guts to post all of your stories. I stumbled onto EP, much like everybody else...desperately seeking answers or any kind of advice. I spent a week just reading before finally deciding to join & now it's my turn. I've been in a relationship with my wife for over half my life. We met as teens, fell in love, out of love, back in love, out again...etc. You get the picture. She's the love of my life & the cause of a lot of frustration, sexually & emotionally.

During our mid 20s we spent a lot of our time & money at the bar, having fun (and sex! lol). Things were pretty wild for awhile. She had found an attraction to other women & every now & then I would be lucky enough to witness or join in every man's fantasy. But, there was always a recurring theme...we had to be drunk. The drinking caused a lot of drama, with me always having to be the "responsible" one, while she was being the wild party girl. The worst part was the next day i had to help her "fill in the blanks" & i was blamed for letting her do anything she regretted.

So, i asked her to stop drinking for a while, so we could work on our crumbling relationship. She refused, so after a few more "regrettable incidents" i left. Until...i'm sure you know what comes next...she told me she was pregnant. On top of the broken relationship & impending parenthood, i was starting to have serious feelings for someone else. For a moment i thought that i could just move on...start a new relationship with someone that meant a lot to me. But, i couldn't stomache the idea of being a part time Dad. So, i came back to her.We fell back in love after a year or so. We now have domestic bliss...house, car, kid,...sexless marriage.

For a while after my son was born we'd drink on the weekends & have some fun like the old days. But, it was always the same...we'd have to be drinking together or have good old rollover sex in the middle of the night. I'm realizing now that even at our "peak" we were still technically in a sexless marriage. It wasn't uncommon to go a month or even two without sex, & it was always accompanied by guilt or shame on my part. I shouldn't have to get the one person that i crave drunk or "sneak" my hands in her pants while she's asleep. A few years ago i quit drinking due to medical reasons. The meds & booze just didn't mix. So, naturally going a month or two without sex turned into 3 months...4 months...sleep sex...shame...2 months... 3 months...get drunk...have sex...have hangover that wasn't worth the sex (guilt)...

I've recently reached my breaking point. I sat awkwardly with her one night, wanting to bring up my feelings of how i feel. I finally said something 20mn before bed. About EVERYTHING i was feeling. I just wanted to feel that connection that i felt for her in years past. I poured my soul out, trying to repeatedly tell her that i wasn't attacking her, that i wanted to make things better, to be closer again. She sat stone faced, staring at the tv & when i was done saying what i HAD to say...she said "Sorry u feel that way". That was it. I asked what we should do, try counseling, or if i was doing something wrong i would change. I even asked if she was interested in someone else. I just needed some definitive answer as to WHY we were in this postion. All she said was that she wasn't interested in anybody...myself included. She said that she has ZERO sex drive & that she could go the rest of her life without it. This from the wild party girl that was into anything kinky you could think of...rough sex, a*al, other girls, etc... But, that was only when she was drunk & she'd always say the next day that that "wasn't her". I'm not saying that i expect that, but even vanilla sex would be enough to spice up the mundane existence that we live now. I would even think that once a month would be an out of this world "privelidge". I work my *** off to provide for my family, at a job that i'm fated to hate for the rest of my life. I come home & clean up the house because she was "too tired" to do anything that day. I do all my own laundry, my son's, towels, & do dishes every night, because "it irritates her hands". I know that i'm not perfect, but i feel that i deserve better sometimes. I'd even understand more if i was some unattractive schlub, but i've always taken care of myself & other women definitely seem to find me attractive. I don't want to cheat...i just want the love that i deserve.

I don't know what i'm hoping to find by posting this. Is it supposed to make me feel better? Should i have her read it? Would it even matter?

"Sorry"