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Maybe It'S Me...

I haven't written for a few days now, so I thought I'd do a bit of reflecting now that the storm has passed. Puppy and I sit here in quiet, and I'm thinking. Because of the blizzard, spousal unit has missed 2 days work and we've spent more time together than we have in months. It's been fine, I guess. Probably normal ... at least. We've been able to talk about daily stuff. Work on shoveling the driveway together. It all seems very typical... so maybe it's me with unrealistic expectations. 

I guess he's tried to flirt a little and get closer physically. You know, butt pats, head on my leg while watching tv, etc. I could have played into it I suppose. I'm just not interested. Nearly cringe when he touches me. He seems to be trying, at least this weekend. SO Maybe it's me.

I can't get past so many things he's done and hasn't done. I really don't trust him with my heart. Maybe I don't want to trust him. Maybe I don't want to get get past it all. Perhaps the last 15 yrs have been enough and I've given up. He's not... so maybe it is me, and maybe that's okay. 
ExistsinHOPE ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 1 Response Feb 10, 2013

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I wonder if the blizzard was the Divine Intervention as per your previous story ? An "act of nature" that cooped you up in the same house and had you 'nearly cringing' at his touch.

Anyway, a spiritual person such as youself will make that assessment, without any prompting from a secular dude like me.

It is interesting to note in your story that you were able to "talk about daily stuff. Work on shoveling the driveway together". You see, in a functional relationship, these sorts of things are a given. Completely unremarkable. Totally un-noteworthy. Yet in a dysfunctional relationship, they become 'ground breaking improvements' on the rare times they happen. The bar having been lowered to such a lamentable standard.

It reads to me that you are done.

Tread your own path.

Once again, you are right. I think in some ways I don't want to be "done"... wish it wasn't what it is.Ya know?

Being "done" does NOT automatically mean you will get out. The getting out starts with another big intimidating block of hard logistical work, and not everyone is up for it.
Whereas we could debate whether such a choice is in your best longer term interests, a choice of staying is a legitimate choice. Most people do NOT leave. Its too hard.

exactly what my therapist says... though staying seems to leave me stranded, again in a sexless forced celibate marriage. Which sucks... can't really win either way I guess.

Have you ever seen a story on here that says "I left my dysfunctional marriage and boy, what a mistake that was. I so wish I was back in that dysfunctional marriage".

I've been on this board for just on 4 years, and as yet, I have not seen such a story.

So, I'd suggest that the balance of evidence is that there IS a path to an enhanced life for anyone who chooses to walk it. Initially, that path is FROM the dysfunctional situation, but then it becomes a path TO somewhere. You get to choose where.

hahaha... I thought there actually was a story named that! :) Baz... I do know I just have to have the courage to step out.

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