What I Have Learned From IliasmI am glad that i stumbled on to ILIASM about 60 days ago. I have read almsot all the stories and assciated comments going back to May 2012 (even some older ones from some of the more active members like bazzar, enna, RRRW, Malvolence, Ocean, Smith etc).
I do think that i have learned some good stuff on this forum. I have laso learned how sex is so much importnat in a relationship. I have alos realized that yes there are instances where getting out of a relationship/SM is he only possible alternative (specially if it is violent and physically abusing). However, i also know that leaving relationship (SM or others ) or getting divorce is normally the worst possible outcome of any situation. Yes my understanding is ba
I feel that the discussion on the ILIASM is now mostly dominated a few angry and resentful members (20 to 30 people, yes i am looking at you bazzar specially). It appears to me that they are all absolutely hurt and in pain and their way of dealing with their pain is to see that other refused do not have to go through the same pain (which is noble). However, they way they try to acheive it is by only telling the other new comers (Rufused like me) not to take it and turn it around by hurting the refuser in turn (by having affairs, other form of treatment, leaving with discussion or simply divorce). Here is my disaggreement with their suggestions/solutions to the new members:
1) "Why is not importnat"
I never heard this suggestions ever in my life on any issue. It is absolutely necessary to know "why" in ever situation. Because knowing Why guides us to these:
a) Am i doing something in this situation/SM that is causing it. We can not absolve ourselfs of our shortcomings just because we are the refused
b)If i am not responsible then what is the reason? Can we help Refuser see the reason before they can change. And please do not give me the crap that people do not change. My H chnaged. Hell the concept of human evolution is all ba
2) Comments are normally all toward leaving SM now (again i ma looking at you bazzar) as it is the solution to almost every problem. Here is some facts about Divorce:
Will a divorce really make you happier?
A study of unhappy marriages by University of Chicago researchers titled "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" attempts to shed light on that important but difficult question.
Recent longtitudinal studies have reported that most divorced people are no happier after divorce. University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite analyzed the relationships between marriage, divorce and happiness using the National Survey of Family and Households. She reported that unhappily married adults who had divorced were no happier than those who had stayed married. Here is a summary of the findings:
A) Effect of divorce on indivduals
a) Adults in unhappy marriages who divorced (or separated) weren't any happier than those who were unhappy but stayed married, on average.
b) On average, depression or low self-esteem among unhappily married adults did not improve after divorce.
And the Most Importnat finding is :
c) Two-thirds of adults reporting an unhappy marriage but who avoided divorce reported a happy marriage five years later.
Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital
unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal
abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals. Why did
these marriages survive where other marriages did not? The marital endurance ethic
appears to play a big role. Many spouses said that their marriages got happier, not because they and their partner resolved problems but because they stubbornly outlasted them.With time, they told us, many sources of conflict and distress eased.
B)Effect of dovorce on the family/kids:
a) Divorce is the single most important reason for poverty.
b) there is a long term negative effect of it on the child. Yes they may cope with it but the effect stays there.
c)More than 70% of the kids of divorce parents end up divorcing when they grow up.
Here is a link to the study
So now we know that solving the problem is more important than just leaving the problem (Divorce). That is why it is so importnat to know what is creating the problem.
As a side note, this is going to be my last post on ILIASM becuase i am not in SM anymore. We have had SM issues for 5 years, but, then we both realized our issues (mine was controlling and anger management, my H had loss of sexual attraction/drive for me related to my behaviour so he got into **** addition and associated **** related ED). We both went through hell for 5 years but we are not doing much better after therapy (5 months) and now the Sex is back (specially over the last two weeks with twice a week sex).
I did not follow a single negative advice that ILIASM provied to me (why, change through afairs or leaving) . At the sma etime, i did gain some valuable relations/sexual perspective from majority of the the less active members who are all suffering in silence. My advice to them would be to:
a) Do not loose hope. Continue working on why and make the refuser see how it is affecting your relationshsip.
b)Put a timetime with real consequences. It does n't have to be Divorce only.
c) Time heals all the wounds and even this study showed that 80% of the married people were happier after sticking in for 5 years. Leaving in hurry does not fix any real issues or provides long term happiness to people as again the study showed.
Please consider all these.
My sincere thanks and best wishes to all the members in their quest for happiness.