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The Talk - Part 1

Well...we had the talk. Well maybe not *the* talk - but definitely a talk.

This was the talk wherein I said: "I don't think any amount of therapy is going to fix the fact that I want to have a lot more sex than you do - because I think you're just wired to want less sex than me."

And she said: "What a relief to hear you talk about my sex drive that way. I didn't realize sex was so important to you - maybe I could figure out a way to have more sex with you because that's what YOU want."

And I said: "I really appreciate the offer, but I don't think that's the kind of sex I want."

And she said: "I can't believe you would give up everything we have...because of SEX."

And I said: "I know you can't."

So that's where we are today.
AMusicalMind AMusicalMind 46-50, M 8 Responses Feb 11, 2013

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Sorry to hear this. Obviously, since she doesn't need sex anymore, you just automatically are suppose to not need it either. What would happen if you ... didn't feel the need to pay the bills anymore??

hi....new poster here 'tho comrade in the situation; I am, however, a wife and not the husband. I have heard comments along the lines of 'you just care about your *******'. Other words bandied about like shallow, selfish, superficial. I did at least have the guts to say regarding the o comment....Yes I do in fact want more *******....a lot more.'
I think what makes me upset hearing your wife's response, and my ****** comments, is that it seems to belittle how we feel about sexuality, as if we are animals needing to rut out of a primitive 'non emotional' need. I think it diminishes the seriousness of how it isn't just about 'sex' it about the emotional and physical intimacy that is normal between a husband and wife in their sexual life. Anyway if part of it is about having physical feelings met that can only be done via sex what is wrong with that?

I had no idea my "word" would be blotted out like that. Let me give you clues, it begins with the big letter o and I am not talking about oranges, ostriches, onions, or olive oil.

I can see the word just fine in your post; nothing is blotted out. It probably depends on your user settings for reading messages - try to fiddle with that and set it to 'not censored' or whatever the setting is called.

ciao, -P.

I would give everything up for love but not just sex.

You know where she said - "I can't believe you would give up everything we have...because of SEX." ??

I reckon it would be waaay worth your while to now closely examine this bit - "everything we have" - in a very objective and dispassionate way.

What exactly do you have ?? (New cars / nice house, anything you can "buy" don't really count in this exercise - unless you want them to of course)

Tread your own path.

I know right? To that "give up everything over sex" I've always replied with "Wow. Yeah.. I guess I would seeing as it's a HUGE part of a healthy relationship...."
I don't like that so many of the sexless spouses throw this line out in sort of a passive way to shame the sexual spouse.
Yet.. seems like so many do use this approach.

Just as a Gedankenexperiment: if sex was about as important to them as stamp collecting or trainspotting, would it not genuinely confuse them that someone else would give up _anything_ over it?

Maybe it isn't just being blase or dismissive. I don't know, I can't see inside their skull. Nevertheless ....... what kind of difference does THAT make?

Way back a few years ago, when I was still sorting my situation out, I also got the "but we have so much here (hands up in the air to encompass the house, etc)", said as if that was supposed to make up for this lack of intimacy, and I countered with this statement "But I can have all of THIS alone or with a friend or relative - I do not have to be married to have all of THIS. Intimacy is what makes marriage different from other relationships where you can build all of THIS".

He agreed.

He agreed??? Well what's he going to DO about it?

Nothing. I did something about it and I got back with an old lover 3 years ago (the spouse was notified). Shifted the marriage to responsible financial partner and roommate, removed both of us from the rules of sexual fidelity (ours is strictly platonic relationship anyway) and started living my life as I see fit. Everyone is happy!

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One day, one step, one breath at a time... Go easy on yourself.

that was a big first step to move things in a different direction. and a hard one to take.

now, to keep things moving in a different direction, keep doing things differently than you have done in the past.

not easy....but nothing worthwhile, is.

keep reading, keep posting.

A huge step - best of luck to you moving forward!

I am betting, that in the past, when your missus has played the "I can't believe you would give up everything we have...because of SEX." card, that you have backed off like a trick cyclist at a carnival.

To get your deal moving, you need to do things differently than you have done in the past. I think that your response here when the "I can't believe you would give up everything we have...because of SEX." card was played, was perfect.

A great start.

Tread your own path.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I realize this is all a process - but I value and appreciate being able to share the ups and downs as I figure it all out. Many thanks, again...

Unfortunately you can figure and figure and all you come up with is that 1 + 1 is supposed to equal more than 2 (the interaction effect) and without sex and intimacy, it doesn't. I read that we should stop trying to figure and think, and just express our feelings. "I feel isolated" "I feel horny" "I feel rejected" instead of "you never want to have sex" "he must not like me any more" or "you hate my ideas". It doesn't change the lack of sex, but it stops the argument dead in its tracks because the other person can't say "no you don't" when you're just saying how you feel.

there are some people that value "things" and money over a happy relationship. So if they want to stay stuck let them stay stuck.I would move on.