Fed Up...

I am ready to throw in the towel. I have tried everything I can think of and have exhausted myself trying to make my wife happy.  I have already come to the realization that she is not happy, but now I realize there is nothing I can do to make her happy.  

All I want is to feel loved, and appreciated. I am not looking to be pampered or waited on... I just want to feel like I am important to the most important person in my life.  I confessed my feelings a few months ago to my wife, but was told I needed counseling. 

After taking my wife on a "Early Valentines" trip this weekend, I have officially had my heart and hopes crushed for the last time. I might as well have taken a total stranger on a trip...

I do not see any possible hope that things will improve. I do not have any expectations that things will ever change...

I feel like I am suffocating, and trapped.  I love her, but cant live like this any more. I am afraid to leave, and I don't have the moral ability to cheat...
1LonelySoul 1LonelySoul
31-35, M
10 Responses Feb 11, 2013

That morality compass went awry awfully quickly. I mention this not to take a cheap shot, but to suggest that absolute statements like - "I don't have the moral ability to cheat... " are often found to be pretty disposable positions when you get to the pointy end.

Brother 1, if you are considering having a crack at this chick, then know - by default - you are also having a defacto crack at leaving.

This could oh so easily result in the collapse of your primary relationship at your hand, or hers. Not that would necessarily be a bad thing, but you certainly do NOT want it to be a 'surprise' thing.

See a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction, so you know what the potential tab could be..

Play safe - oh, and read "Outsourcing Your Needs" a.s.a.p.

Tread your own path.

Thank you! I just wanted you to know that your stories are very informative and eye-opening. It is much appreciated! I felt so alone in my situation, and am grateful that I stumbled onto EP.

I was contacted by an old friend a few days ago. We met for lunch and she told me she had a thing for me in high school. She said she was lonely in her relationship and would love to fill our gaps with each other. A year ago I would have walked out, but now I really want to sleep with her!!! Before we met I even felt guilty for meeting her with out my wife knowing... But we connected, and I could see passion in her eyes. I know it is wrong but I cant help my desire for her!!!

What are your fears about leaving?

I am scared of being alone, I dont want to hurt my wife.... Mostly I am horrified of how it will effect mt kids...

I understand you don't want to hurt her.
But she doesn't feel the same way about you.
You asked for her to care for your emotional needs and were told, apparently, to find someone else to care for those needs.
That someone else being the counselor.

...I know this sounds weird, but children tend to blame themselves when their parents are unhappy. Also if the marriage is going bad, they think it's their fault...It's just the way kids tend to think.

She tells you you need therapy and I agree, but not because the problem is yours.

Thank you, I know I need counseling... I have developed coping skills, denial and avoidance... Your comments really help!

I wouldn't have treated her special at all. Take the plunge and get out being unloved and not appreciated is a life of misery.

I dont have the courage... :-(

I thought I didn't either but don't have affairs it will make it worse. Either be faithful to your wife or end it.

you are courageous
to share such vulnerability
with a person who has been indifferent...
There is healing and hope....
in your own time
one day at a time...

I wish I was ur wife. we will be happy ever after.

Re-invest where there is/are some reasonable expectations of at least satisfactory returns.

You know it just makes sense.

If that analogy just doesn't work for you, let me offer my sincerest apologies.

She has made her feelings loud and clear. Ever hear the old saying actions speak louder than words?

It looks like the ball is in your court. The question is how are you going to play it? You can sit and sulk and live the rest of your days in a miserable existence or you can man up accept the situation for what it is and make plans to move on in life.

Note, the new plans should involve seeing a lawyer.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

<p>Where are you at buddy ?</p><p>The - "everything is ok bar the sex" stage ?</p><p>Or a bit further along at the "Oh ****. This is seriously dysfunctional" stage ?</p><p>Or at the next stop - "I'm going to have to do something about this" stage ?</p><p>IF, you truly are at the - "seriously considering leaving" stage, then get yourself off to a lawyer in your jurisdiction and get some facts about how such a move might pan out. It may go a long way to allaying your fear level. Fear is mainly about 'the unknown'. Get some facts. From said facts, you can make an informed choice.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

I've read all three of your stories. What reason did she give that you, alone, needed counseling?

I guess it's a not-so-original way of essentially saying "Oh for ****'s sake, suck it up. As if I bleedin' well care!"

Not really that much more subtle in reality. Put another way, it was just a retort, just a riposte to say "**** off! You need therapy. You are the one with something wrong with you". Ad nauseam. Subtle, not. As was clearly intended.

She thinks every thing is fine... Our problems are my fault. I need help

Riiiight...She's entirely fine.

(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection)

"Psychological projection was first conceptualized by Sigmund Freud as a defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own negative attributes by ascribing them to the outside world instead. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting faults onto others.[1] The original idea was that projection would allow for reduced anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them."