Two Sides Of A Story

If my husband was writing this it would probably sound like most of the men here. But this is my side ,I live in a sexless marriage and I know it is my fault.Or is it? When I look back at my marriage I try to pin point the events that lead us here .To an unhealthy state of maybe once or twice of not in the mood lovemaking a month.This has been going on for years.This is not us ,we were never this but this is where we are now.There are moments in your life that change you , events you never ever forget and I think after time they consume you and destroy you.What was it ? Being exposed to **** and sex at a early age, being molested by men who you looked up to ,always being looked at as an object and taken advantage of .I can say in my marriage things changed after the kids ,after my husband made me have an abortion ,that was a big one for me something died after that, a love I had for him just died,taking care of kids,home and work that is my life now . All he does is come home from work ,eat ,watch tv and then expect me to always be in the mood .We go nowhere ! Nowhere but work and church and I am suppose to be the same as when we met, when things are not the same as when we met. It does not add up to me .But I am to blame ,something must be wrong with me ! And maybe something is wrong with me . I asked him to have a bi-sectomy if he did not want more kids ,he said no so I tied my tubes .Now I am learning that low libido is a side effect.Now he asking me to consider a reversal.What a selfish man. So after all this why bother ,why try ,just give up and throw in the towel. I cant do that I love my husband and I want this to work . I want to be happy ,I want him to be happy ,I want to be not broken and tired . So I will be getting the help I need ,sounds simple just get the help but I know this will be a long journey to try and fix this. So to the other side there is always an answer to the why, but it takes time for even the one to blame to figure out the answer to that .
statash statash
31-35, F
9 Responses Feb 12, 2013

Sounds like there is a lot of honest communication missing from both of you wich probably would have a huge effect on your relationship.

WTF? Low libido is NOT a side effect of a tubal ligation.

Apparently, it can be, if the blood supply to one or both ovaries is disrupted during the procedure.

That would be an iatrogenic cause, and every surgery has doctor-related risks. Overall, though, no, tubal ligation itself will not cause low libido.

You love him. Doesn't sound like he loves you. You deserve better.

"Everything is great bar the sex"
- - - hang on,
"Everything is actually not all that great bar the sex"
- - - actually, now as I think about it,
"Everything is a tad dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex"
- - - but it must be MY fault that he is like he is.

How do you figure ??

Tread your own path.

I really think you ought to look into therapy for yourself.
...Child abuse distorts our thinking in many ways.
One of the more common issues we have is selecting someone who feels "familiar," when what we are familiarized to is emotionally distant, selfish, cold people, who will not be there for us.
Another issue...In a family-of-origin that's abusive, we become really adept at not feeling our feelings, because it was dangerous to feel them at the time.
Get into an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult, and those old defense mechanisms get trotted out very easily.
I suspect you're not feeling how hurt and angry you really are, and this could at least partly explain the exhaustion.
I get that it might just be you being very busy, but it's very tiring to suppress your real feelings.

Read widely here and I am sure you'll find that 'most of the men' here would be unlike your spouse. You are living in a dysfunctional relationship where it seems that trust and intimacy have been adversely affected by certain actions on your spouse's part. Refuser or refused, if either one isn't invested in the other or the marriage, it cannot improve. The sound of one hand clapping is.....silence. Be well.

"a love I had for him just died", "I love my husband"<br />
There's some confusion here, understandably, and it's good that you will get some help sorting it out. To strength the marriage will take both of you, that is to say he needs help too.

I think you need to take more care of your self hun, learn to love your self and be good to your self.
I too have made my kids a priority, nothing wrong with that, but if you fall apart you're no good to anyone.
Take care of you first, let him deal with his own issues, he is selfish, and as for the "lack of libido" I can't blame you, It's also a side effect of a dysfunctional marriage.

<p>I'm sorry that you have been through these things in your marriage. I understand that the refuser can be the victim in some cases, but that is not how it is in my case. Lack of sex can be a stymptom of an unhappy marriage like in yours, but it can also be the cause like in mine. I am good to my husband and I take care of myself. I have done nothing to deserve being refused and I no longer blame myself for my SM.</p>