I have just discovered this site. I am truly honored to read your stories. From what I have briefly read, there are many types of people posting here. The Traditional spouse, in a messed up Traditional marriage who does not have a clue what has hit him/her to wake up in a sexless marriage. There are the Tired yet Hopeful hes and shes, who are working away on that hamster wheel, figuring out the whys and what can be done. There are the I’m Dones, who still haven’t found the courage to leave, who have lovers. The Christians, the Cheated on, the Confused, and finally the Bold and Happy ones who have got out and want us to see the situation for what it really is, and want us to get out too.
I fall into all categories, apart from the Bold and Happy. I am still in my sexless marriage.
My marriage story is exactly the same as many I have read. I could have written many of the stories posted here. I’ve moved through the many states, the what the hell, what can I do, what did I do wrong, why won’t he listen, I’m done and the lovers. But I was in the happily married apart from the lack of sex for way too long. I wish I had found this site years ago.
I am a married woman, happily kind of, for 22 years. I have three fine children. My DH is a fine man, but has happily coasted through our marriage thinking missionary sex once a month was wonderful. He still does. I, no longer. I had rarely achieved ******. I used to watch Sex in the City and think, HOW?

I decided, on the onset of my menopause, to find a lover. I have read EinEngel’s story and the various responses with great interest to the reaction of members at her words.

My first lover, who I met through an affair dating site, has changed my life. He wooed me. He showed great interest in me. He was always available on chat. We found we had gardening and horses in common. I was very, very, guilt stricken, blocked by low self esteem and a poor body image (three babies and breastfeeding show, I am quite short and I felt I looked like a Buddha, not terribly sexy). So, I found the courage and met my “lover”. I thought it I was in the middle of an emotional love affair. I truly believed I loved him and he loved me, I thought sex was not possible without love.

We met. We talked. We went to bed. He is huge. I mean really huge. (Please forgive me as I get ruder and ruder, I was once a prude, so I know reading things of a sexual nature can be unpleasant). I couldn’t take a third of him in my mouth. I didn’t ******. He is a creative man and also sexually “dirty”. Not quite what I was used to. I was shocked and almost slapped him when he bit me. I was extremely shocked when he slapped me. He saw my “innocence” and reverted to vanilla. I went home and thought about him. He became no longer available, he became distant. I missed the talk of horses and gardening. I missed the playful conversations. A month later he invited me to dinner. I was angry. Hurt. Quite devastated. I had stepped out of my marriage for a man who I now knew was not what he had seemed. The love affair was no longer. It was an affair. It was my choice to meet him again.

We went on a second “date”. He asked me how I achieved ****** alone. I honestly answered. I had never ***********. I had never achieved ****** alone, and very rarely with my DH. We didn’t go to bed. We went to a store and he bought me my first toy. He asked me to go home and learn how to **********. He asked me to call him when I was “self sufficient”.

It took me three months to learn. I was horrified. Nice women don’t **********. I was a nice woman. But I finally learnt.

I met my lover. He was still detached. But he became my lover. I bought him gifts for Christmas, his birthday, our first anniversary. He made me suffer as he clearly had no need for intimacy. We met once a month. He told me he was incapable of love. He told me he adored me. He made love to me, ****** me and taught me the incredible joy of sex. We did everything. I learnt to accept the limits he imposed. I learnt to love him less. We became friends. He is now my dentist. I can talk to him about anything. We have great, toe curling sex. It is a respectful relationship. He became an “oursource” lover, as described by EinEngel.

He however did not /does not satisfy my emotional needs. I looked once again for a lover. For a love affair. My DH suspected I was unhappy. He was very uncomfortable with my new needs. *******, spitting, *******, light bondage are things my DH cannot do. He politely and quietly gave me permission to look for this type of sex out of our marriage.

My second lover. Generous with his time, once again, we took a long time before we met. He is married. He has children. We spoke about what we loved, how we liked to spend our time. We talked about our sexual needs. Once again, I became deeply involved. We met. We went for dinner, amazed to finally be together. We met a week later, at a Hotel. He was unable to achieve an erection. He was unable to consider making love without penetration. We tried a week later, but he was unable to even kiss me. We are still friends. We love art and visit museums.

My first lover had understood when I had told him I needed more than he could give me. He tried to explain to me the types of men I could find as a married woman. His type, the sensitive type, the players, the collectionists. He talked to me about the types of affair I could have. Quite depressing, basically he told me believed love and sex are difficult to find in an affair.

An old friend came back into my life. He became my lover. I was at this point highly aware of what I needed, wanted and what I was able to give. What I was prepared to give. He seemed to be perfect. The perfect lover. I was able to talk to him as a “woman”, no longer an innocent woman, but finally as a woman highly aware of my body’s needs and emotional needs. No longer afraid or ashamed to share my body (I now love my curves and softness, I am a sensual, beautiful woman, not by any means a model, but simply me, in my last bloom of youth). We were compatible both in bed and out. I sincerely considered asking my DH for a separation, my old friend wanted me to leave my marriage and slowly re create a real story with him. But he wanted children. It was now or never, and I chose never.

My first lover and I, are still lovers. I have accepted our relationship for what it is. Breath taking in bed, he is still able to shock me. He has taught me that women are able to have a lover without being in love.

My last remaining child at home leaves for University this fall. I will leave shortly after.

I wanted to tell my story. Women in the Western World are forced to lead traditional lives. Our wings are clipped by marriage and children and religion. Our sexuality is frowned upon. Women who step out of this traditional lifestyle are severely frowned upon. It is not “nice” to talk about our sexuality, our preference of toy or ****. We are expected to be mothers and wives and I think our DHs (most, or maybe some) are unable to perceive their wives as both, the “*****” or the “mother”. Nice is much nicer. The responses to the story posted about “outsourcing” clearly showed there are many opinions regarding a woman’s sexuality. It is clearly seen as something quite shameful, simply not quite right for some men that women can even contemplate sex without love.

In my experience, some men chase and demonstrate great sensitivity prior to meeting a woman in this type of relationship. Some men are unable to maintain what they promised in bed, loving to receive oral, forgetting to give it back. In my experience, some men are authentic through and through, they are rare and I am afraid I found one and broke his heart, but I could not contemplate another child at this stage of my life and I could not ask him to live without the experience of fatherhood.

I’m sorry for the long, long post. I did try to edit and reduce. I thank EinEngel for opening this discussion in my mind and I thank any reader who arrived at the end for reading.

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3 Responses Feb 13, 2013

I can see that you're emotionally hurt and so I'll try not to respond with that I usually do. However, you are wrong about many things here. Your husband loved you enough to -allow- you to see other men, and now you want to break up with him for one of them? Why? How is it "traditional" for a man to allow his woman to see other men? Furthermore, my sister has been cheated on, so I know almost firsthand what pain the...victim?...goes through. Consider your options -very- carefully. I hope you make the right choice.

Sorry, nevermind, misread that part. Nevermind about the options. However, my point still stands on the traditional part.


I always get a bizarre vision in my head when I hear that Dire Straits song "Twisting By The Pool" as when I first heard it years ago I thought it was "******* By The Pool"

I disagree with this "Women in the Western World are forced to lead traditional lives". They certain can choose to lead traditional lives, and they often ask others to lead traditional lives, but they are not forced to.

Take today's Dear Abby, with a letter that would not have appeared decades ago:

My daughters are attractive young women, both doing well in their professional careers. "Melanie," who is 27, is married to "Sam," an extremely attractive and successful man.
My 30-year-old daughter, "Alicia," has been divorced for a year. Her marriage failed two years ago because she and her husband had an appetite for sex outside their marriage. While I was disturbed about that, I was horrified to learn that Melanie allows her sister to occasionally have sex with Sam.

Not that traditional is it?

From the second letter:

... what they'd do first if they won the lottery. Without exception, everyone ... said the first thing they would do is get a divorce

now there is start to a new tradition.

Thanks to posting your story, it's not too long (too huge, okay bad joke) as it covers a lot of ground, and makes interesting points, sorry to disagree on one of them.