An Affair (Rule) To Remember - Follow UpI received quite a few emails from women after posting my story called "An Affair (Rule) to Remember", that I feel compelled to write one more story for the uninitiated, i.e. further points for women in sexless marriages, who have decided to outsource. I have gathered some other points about the whole outsourcing process, pitfalls one might call them, and then I will cease discussing the whole thing because the topic seems to bring out so many indignant comments. But those who have never experienced a sexless and affection-less marriage cannot even imagine what it is like.
First, please read Enna's story called "Outsourcing Your Needs". Link here -EP Link
That is the best set of considerations preceding your actual outsourcing and I did not read them until way way too late.
Second - Remember to use Affair websites, not Dating websites, and if possible look for men who are also in sexless marriages. Avoid single men and think twice about men from open marriages if yours is not. Men from sexless marriages would have similar need levels as yours, and single men and men from open marriages have power to cause trouble for you, if they like, since they do not have anything to lose if they were to take a notion to "out" you to your husband.
Third -Now that you know you should not bring your self esteem problems to the affair (as recommended on An Affair Rule to Remember story), decide in advance, please, that you will limit yourself to a FWB - friend with benefits - arrangement. Don't think about falling in love, or use the affair process as a means of doing so. You want physical release and friendship, not another husband, right? (Come on, do you really want to do that again? - sorry to my fellow ILIASM friends who found true love this way.)
To those women who have not yet embarked, the whole process can be terrifying. I know. Until you do it the first time, your nerves will probably stretched thin, so try to be calm about the whole thing and insist on being treated with respect.
Fourth - But now here is the worst part....
It is called limerence. Please do not mistake that initial feeling you have for your new friend with benefits for love. It is gonna seem like love because your husband has not touched and loved you in a long time. Give it a few months. This limerence problem will subside. (credit to Maryryan for mentioning it at the beginning of my journey). Once you snap out of it and realize how truly lonely and empty your marriage has become you might even go on a crying jag. This too will pass. It is part of the waking up process.
Fifth -Move on several months and on to another difficult question. Do you like this arrangement? Does it add value to your life or is the process more stress than what the physical release and good conversation is worth? From here you decide to carry on or end it.
If you choose the latter, I hope it is because your marriage has turned around or that you have found something else that eases the loneliness of your sexless marriage. If you choose to end it, I also hope the FWB is okay with ending the sexual part of your relationship and that you always consider each other to be good friends. (Yeah, despite the non-commital nature of these kinds of arrangements you might be surprised to find some men are bad sports about ending it).
If you choose to carry on the relationship, then I hope he brings you pleasure and friendship to your life for many many years.