Unraveling MarriageMy husband and I have been married for 9 years together for 13. It was never an overly active relationship but enough to keep me satisfied until we got married. We were not intimate on our wedding night and i cant recall if we were during the honeymoon.I remember thinking how I would ever get pregnant if we weren't intimate. We now have 2 children. The real trouble began after my first child was born.
I have a string libido always have always will.I accepted our minimal intimacy and understood it was wam bam thank you mam, he refused oral sex...never ever had we engaged in it... But I accepted it.
After our first child was born he completely rejected me. He refused every attempt to be intimate. A few times we were successful but then came the moment of no return.
We were arguing about intimacy. I again have a strong libido and intimacy sets me straight. It takes the edge off for me. If I'm taking care of I'm not a ***** otherwise I become very short tempered. Anyway we were arguing and he begins to tell me the words that would resound through my mind for years after:
" I'm just not attracted to you.. Im not into it, you need to lose weight... I..just can't.,,,".
So...., after fights, heartache emotional distraught, ruined self concept I can go on... Thoughts of cheating... Telling him I needed to to be satisfied ( never have).
He promised he didn't feel this way anymore and he changed his way of thinking. We had baby #2.
Now 18 months later. I've lost all the baby weight, I've cried my eyes out and here we go again.
The difference is I know it's not me!!!
God damn it sleep with your wife. It gets better and then.... Nothing for months...,
The problem is I will not leave my husband bc of my children. I will live a lie for them, I will sacrifice my happiness and sleep next to a man who has ruined me.
I have always been pampered before this relationship. Now I long to be really kissed with passion and love behind it not a peck on the cheek that my grandfather gives me.
The sad part is my husband is a good man who made a mistake that cannot be forgotten or forgiven.
On this valentines day I cry for myself. I cry knowing this day symbolizes something I will never have in my existence something that is the most natural experience and most important gift you can share with someone. This valentines day I cry because I'm too ashamed this is happening to me that I can't tell anyone and risk my self concept/esteem incurring anymore damage.