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Unraveling Marriage

My husband and I have been married for 9 years together for 13. It was never an overly active relationship but enough to keep me satisfied until we got married. We were not intimate on our wedding night and i cant recall if we were during the honeymoon.I remember thinking how I would ever get pregnant if we weren't intimate. We now have 2 children. The real trouble began after my first child was born.
I have a string libido always have always will.I accepted our minimal intimacy and understood it was wam bam thank you mam, he refused oral sex...never ever had we engaged in it... But I accepted it.

After our first child was born he completely rejected me. He refused every attempt to be intimate. A few times we were successful but then came the moment of no return.

We were arguing about intimacy. I again have a strong libido and intimacy sets me straight. It takes the edge off for me. If I'm taking care of I'm not a ***** otherwise I become very short tempered. Anyway we were arguing and he begins to tell me the words that would resound through my mind for years after:
" I'm just not attracted to you.. Im not into it, you need to lose weight... I..just can't.,,,".
So...., after fights, heartache emotional distraught, ruined self concept I can go on... Thoughts of cheating... Telling him I needed to to be satisfied ( never have).

He promised he didn't feel this way anymore and he changed his way of thinking. We had baby #2.

Now 18 months later. I've lost all the baby weight, I've cried my eyes out and here we go again.

The difference is I know it's not me!!!

God damn it sleep with your wife. It gets better and then.... Nothing for months...,

The problem is I will not leave my husband bc of my children. I will live a lie for them, I will sacrifice my happiness and sleep next to a man who has ruined me.

I have always been pampered before this relationship. Now I long to be really kissed with passion and love behind it not a peck on the cheek that my grandfather gives me.

The sad part is my husband is a good man who made a mistake that cannot be forgotten or forgiven.

On this valentines day I cry for myself. I cry knowing this day symbolizes something I will never have in my existence something that is the most natural experience and most important gift you can share with someone. This valentines day I cry because I'm too ashamed this is happening to me that I can't tell anyone and risk my self concept/esteem incurring anymore damage.
Damagedwife Damagedwife 31-35 4 Responses Feb 13, 2013

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"The problem is I will not leave my husband bc of my children. I will live a lie for them, I will sacrifice my happiness and sleep next to a man who has ruined me.'

I am very familiar with this sort of thinking. I've long thought similarly when it comes to my sexless (and childless) marriage.

I have found that these thoughts are mental/emotional traps I've built for myself. I doomed my future happiness with this sort of mental trap. What I have come to see is, that unless I destroy these traps (that exist only in my mind), I would never be able to see beyond my current misery and into a future free of a sexless marriage. I came to realize that as long as I stayed in these traps, there would never be a chance for healing or change in my marriage. For as long as you remain in such a self-desructive device, you will never have the opportunity for anything else.

Don't misunderstand, I am not advocating divorce or anything. What I'm saying is, you will never progress past this self-sacrificial stage unless you lose this false notion that you must stay in the marriage for - fill in the reason. It is simply not true that you have to/must stay for any reason. You are free to plot a different path for your life. You life doesn't have to stay on its current path. You can be free of the pain of a sexless marriage. The first step down that path to a new life is to avoid trapping yourself where you are.

Throw off this trap and be done with it or there will never be any other future for you. I don't think you want to go down that very lonely road any longer. That's why you're here isn't it? If you stay inside this trap you will only find what you've found so far. It is a place of resentment and self-inflicted pain and it is totally unnecessary.

I couldn't agree more with your insights. The issue becomes how to overcome the emotional damage. The marriage is like a roller coaster behind closed doors ONLY in every other department we are picture perfect affectionate, loving, nice to each other etc. sometimes I am moody due to "the issue" but never in front of anyone but him. I never would put this out there.ive even thought of hypnosis as I can't overcome the mental barrier of forgiving the damage to my self concept. I cannot initiate due to the refusal in the past which also is a huge issue. Again, I appreciate your advice.

I have similar feelings. I think I understand your pain and anger (perhaps fury?). I suppose it’s a lack of forgiveness? Maybe not? Has he changed in any positive ways (other than just token gestures)?

If there is no change, what is there to forgive? Without change on his part, isn’t it still happening to you? If you are still going through this, should you forgive? If the offense is still present, without significant change, should you/can you forgive? To forgive you will need a true and lasting change on his part.

It is far easier to overcome emotional damage when there is true, positive and lasting change. If there is correction in the course of your love life, it’s easier to be optimistic and positive about moving forward. If you are getting the attentiveness you need in this area, I imagine you will need to develop a history of success before you can overcome the fear of a lapse back into the same old patterns.

Once you have a history of success, I imagine it will become easier and easier to forgive (not forget) the past neglect. You have a lot of bad history to overcome. Give it some time, if he’s changed, before you forgive. Be satisfied in your own heart that change has occurred. Then you can forgive. I don’t know how you can forgive until that happens. I suppose doubts will linger for some time. As long as you see progress it will be easier to hang in there.

Then the question get to be “how long do I hang in there?”, because I imagine there will be plateaus in his response and change. I think this is the point at which you need to get a third party involved, a therapist or pastor perhaps. That’s what I plan to do.

If he has changed and you still have needs that are not being met, tell him what you need from him so he has the opportunity to make it better for you.

I hope you find this helpful.

Warm Regards,
Evander7

<p>&nbsp;<p>I'll quote you something you said below this. I invite you to think, and think deeply about it. As an adjunct to your thinking I would suggest you read 2 stories. "We Stay For The Kids" for one, and "You Pay Now, The Kids Can Pay Later"</p><p>Here's the quote - "The problem is I will not leave my husband bc of my children. I will live a lie for them, I will sacrifice my happiness and sleep next to a man who has ruined me"</p><p>I put it to you, that it is not unknown for people to 'hide' behind the 'staying for the kids' scenario to avoid doing what they know - at some level - they ought do. And that, is likely to be a highly disruptive, painful and difficult thing to do. Who, would want to wear that additional pain ?</p><p>Note that I am not accusing you of this, but what I am doing is suggesting that you take a full and frank inventory of your true motivation here.Take your time, think it through top to bottom, bottom to top, side to side, every which way.</p><p>You have some hard challenging thinking to do. I wish you clarity in that process.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p><p></p>

One of the things I read about on here when considering my child and my marriage is that if I stay....what kind of marriage am I & my husband projecting for her? To grow up & find an emotionally unavailable man like her father? I wouldn't wish this type of marriage on her yet if I stay odds are she will mirror it later in life. As I contemplate the fate of my own marriage I keep going back to that thought. Take care & God Bless

Dr Pinkangel, amen. If on the other hand, there is affection but no sex, and you two work well together, I would think twice about leaving. My personal opinion, okay? How about asking him for an open marriage? It has worked for several members of ILIASM.

Noone is aware that they are in a household where any issues are present. We are not open to share our problems with anyone especially family. I was once told " you will forgive your husband if something goes wrong but your family will never be as understanding". Therefore, I will never damage his reputation that way.

I understand the family doesn't know, but what about the children.? I, personally, don't spread my business either but over the years my resentment with the marriage has built &amp; it comes out as harsh tones &amp; words directed @ him.....while they may not be able to put a name to it the children pick up on that. They pick up on whether affection is shown in touch/words/etc. You know your household better than I do, just a thought to keep in mind.

Definitely you should read up on here about "staying for the kids".

There's tons of evidence that if you get out while they are still small, they are far likely to be better off than if mommy is unhappy in the marriage.

Don't be a martyr for your kids - that's WAY too high a burden for them to carry.

Keep reading on here.