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A Lot Of Time On His Hands

Well, I am coming to the realization that I have a sexless marriage, however, my husband does not! Upon looking on husbands computer I found NUMEROUS (lots & lots....probably every site out there!) site for hook-ups & web cam sex sites. I'm not talking about match.com, I'm talking about sites like ashleymadison.com & other hook-up sites for discreet no attachment meetings with married people. Looks like he was also looking for free webcams.
Now I am not very computer savvy, why would he need to look for a webcam? Isn't that the camera that's already built into the computer? Second, there was one site I could not find what it was (porndonor.com), I assumed it would be a p*** site, but I found one forum that asked about it & it had another question that maybe it was a craigslist listing site? Are there companies that advertise for married men looking for women in cities so the men's wives can't find out its them?
With all the sites I found it seems like, if he's not having a physical affair (which it doesn't seem to be for lack of trying) that he is getting sexual release through webcams.
What is so confusing is why in the world would he want to come around & hold my hand, kiss me, tell me he loves me...when every free moment he has when he is out of town working (those are the dates that the sites show up under his history) he is visiting all those sites.? It doesn't make sense to me. It's like he has no intention of physically leaving but is exploring every affair option.
Thoughts? Opinions on how to proceed? I hate to be sneaky (in fact, I've really never invaded his privacy before) but feel that looking into his computer history is the only way I am going to find out the truth about my marriage, he certainly isn't forthcoming.
drpinkangel drpinkangel 36-40, F 10 Responses Feb 13, 2013

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.u.need.peace.of.no.more.doubts..at.all.ask.him..why.what.how.where.who.the.truth.anything.less.is.not.good.enough.--1.an.affair..fetish.for.cams.sex.casual.sex.with.differrent.partners.-addicted.to.socail.media.common..rehab.needed.yoga.etc.methods.get.it.all.in.the.open..asap.this.crap.has.gone.on.long.enough.ok.jj

My husband also did what yours has done and also lied about it. I tried talking, pleading and leaving him (as a shock tactic) but it never changed anything. I also found secret e-mail accounts and realised he was sexting someone (or more than one). The emotional betrayl was devastating never mind any actual physical betrayal.
If he cannot be honest with you about why he's doing this you will never have peace of mind and the rest of your life will be a lie. You'll end up hating yourself more than him because once you know about it and accept it, you're implicit in his deceit.
It's a bitter pill to swallow and only you know how much this affects your emotional well being, but my own experience left me feeling demoralised, demeaned and devalued.
If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing it and he would explain why so that you could explore ways of moving past it.
People who really love and respect their partners don't dishonour them. They face problems head on - together.
Like others who have commented, I don't think you should reproach yourself for 'snooping' and do think you should consider an exit plan. How would he react (and feel) if the boot was on the other foot?
Save yourself while you can and remember this is NOT about you it's about him and how he sees himself. Sad isn't it? When men do this they not only throw away relationships, they throw away the chance of real self growth and emotional maturity. I hope you make the right decision for you and carve out a future that ensures you retain your self respect. Good luck.

Lifeworker, thanks for the response. How did you find out about the secret e-mail accounts? That's something I can figure out how to do. I have read (in my research) that some cheating husbands have extra sim cards for their phones (is this so their text/phone hx doesn't show?). Anyway, would love to know how you found out about the secret e-mail accounts (how did you find site & password)....trying to figure out a way to get into these hook-up & web cam sites to see if he has a profile (not sure how to figure that one out either). Thanks again.

oh thanks, i sure will!

My husband also did what yours has done and also lied about it. I tried talking, pleading and leaving him (as a shock tactic) but it never changed anything. I also found secret e-mail accounts and realised he was sexting someone (or more than one). The emotional betrayl was devastating never mind any actual physical betrayal.
If he cannot be honest with you about why he's doing this you will never have peace of mind and the rest of your life will be a lie. You'll end up hating yourself more than him because once you know about it and accept it, you're implicit in his deceit.
It's a bitter pill to swallow and only you know how much this affects your emotional well being, but my own experience left me feeling demoralised, demeaned and devalued.
If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing it and he would explain why so that you could explore ways of moving past it.
People who really love and respect their partners don't dishonour them. They face problems head on - together.
Like others who have commented, I don't think you should reproach yourself for 'snooping' and do think you should consider an exit plan. How would he react (and feel) if the boot was on the other foot?
Save yourself while you can and remember this is NOT about you it's about him and how he sees himself. Sad isn't it? When men do this they not only throw away relationships, they throw away the chance of real self growth and emotional maturity. I hope you make the right decision for you and carve out a future that ensures you retain your self respect. Good luck.

Assuming your husband is the refuser in your relationship, then my advice from a male perspective is that you should confront him and ask him to explain himself. This will either end with you agreeing some form of marriage counselling or reconciliation. Or if he is just unwilling to entertain change, then frankly you are probably best off without him.

I do plan to confront in the future. Right now I am trying to gather information (for my own peace of mind & closure) & gather an exit plan. I want to wait to confront until I am ready to leave as I do not want to live in the same house for any amount of time after that (don't want to confuse my daughter/me/him or give him time to plead his case over & over). I guess never say never but I don't see counselling or reconciliation happening...the trust is gone, he has totally abused my trust in him & had YEARS in which to talk to me/ask for/agree to counseling....now I am starting to get bitter & hateful towards him (attitudes that my daughter should not witness--that is what I am most ashamed of, my temper is getting worse as the months & years pass from the frustration/lack of communication). I just don't know how long one person should keep bringing up the same problem with no solution being sought. Thanks for your post. :)

I just saw this. To be in a situation where you identify with this experience (ILIASM) and then to be confronted with the information of his activity is especially betraying. You have my sympathies and encouragement to exit ASAP. These people (Refusers) do not deserve us much less our efforts to "keep the marriage alive". If he has not been in fact physically unfaithful he has been in not seeing to your needs. Infidelity cuts both ways, commission or omission.

It's not your fault....he's just addicted to that stuff. It's like being an alchoholic....sometimes they really dont want to get drunk but cant stop themselves. I think he still loves you, wants to be with you, but just can't control his bad addictive habit. I don't know how you can help...do you guys have sex regularly? May be try to care for his sexual needs more....? since he seems kinda addicted to sex?....May be you can ask him why he needs a webcam...

OMG! Who ARE you Cinuscal??????????????????? You do realise that the HUSBAND is the Refuser in this relationship don't you? Exactly HOW do you think DrPink could " May be try to care for his sexual needs more....?"

May I suggest that you do yourself the favour of finding out what an experience is ABOUT before you "shoot yourself in the foot" by making totally INappropriate remarks???

You would also increase your credibility if you actually read the back stories of individual posters before you offer your insulting and inane advice. . . . .

I actually said in the beginning that it wasn't her fault...it's the husband's problem. But I haven't heard the other side of the story...may be there was some gap in the relationship that lead to this bad habit. She said..."he want to come around & hold my hand, kiss me, tell me he loves me"...means her husband may be still trying to work things out...I dont know...but I'm not blaming her for anything at all...
And ya...I didn't read back stories of individual posters..I just said what I thought..

And...why do you sound so angry...chill..ok..

cinuscal. If you say something incredibly smart (or dumb) people will tend to go to your profile to see on what basis you might say something smart (or dumb). Now your area of expertise seems to be in going out without wearing panties, which, does not really mark you as being an authority on the subject matter in this group.

bazzar...now your comments are not insulting? Ya, I ventured into that a few times, but that's not my expertise as you all it... I'm sure many commenting here have also tried that occasionally. I just commented based on the incident shared here...I didn't know what group it was posted to...

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I understand your intense curiosity to find the truth. Some may simply respond with a quick "pack up and leave" but it isn't so easy when you are in a fog of deceptions that you never knew existed. In your situation, I would want to find as much info as I could so I could find the truth. I would love to have a name list of these 'secret' dating sites for married men so I could keep an eye out. I appreciated the ones you shared in your posted story. I think it is a good idea to keep your eyes open, don't believe anything he says, take care of you, be safe and start building an exit plan. Keep a date journal so you can compare his descriptions with your own fact checking.

Thanks, I am so happy someone gets the burning need to finally know the truth when it seems you've been living a lie for you don't even know how long! What I did for the sites was I used my phone to snap pics of his "cookies" on his computer when he was gone then later when he wasn't home I used google on the home computer to look them up. Some had obvious names, but some did not. Upon researching cheating spouses I found that some smart phones have apps that look like stock market stuff but when you put in a code it shows nude pictures/etc. There are all kinds of things for a cheating spouse to use to go undetected. I just wish I could look at his profiles on these sites, don't know if he is just looking or if he has created a profile of his own.

The 'stock market' cover is disturbing. I am in a similar sort of situation. If they would just be straight. The hiding stuff makes me crazy. I wonder, is he gay, or what.

"It's like he has no intention of physically leaving but is exploring every affair option. "

I'm sure he has a reason to stay with you and seek sex elsewhere - or many reasons. Could be he's addicted to ****, and cannot get it up with a real person. Could be he doesn't want to leave for financial reasons - either because you bring in money, or he would lose money in the divorce. Could be he likes having a nanny and housekeeper on call 24/7. Could be he's a passive-aggressive a**hole who likes to torture you for fun.

Who cares why? Look at his actions. He's completely disrespected you and your marriage. The question isn't why he's doing what he's doing - it's why don't you have the respect to get the h*ll away from this a**hole?

The "why" is because I analyze everything. It is hard for me, a truthful person to a fault, to grasp how anyone can say one thing & do another. That is what is driving me crazy. I have just found out all this in the last couple of weeks & its driving me crazy not to say anything...I don't know how I will make it for the next several months! At the present I am staying for several reasons, one I am just in the beginning of an exit plan (just found all this out), second I am about to graduate & make twice as much as I do now...so big financial gain to sit tight. Third, I want to finally know the person who I have spent 20 years with. I know he may never tell me, but within these next few months I may find out more than i have about him in the years since we've been married...that would be closure for me.

If you wait until you make big $$$, you may be on the hook to support HIM...

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. It may change your timeline, it may not, but you will be informed.

Don't wait. Call him out. But first, get the proof so he can't deny it. If you have to...hire the "geek squad". They will gather evidence for you. I know it's hard...I"ve been there. You delerve the truth. It will help you make a final decision.

Oh, I'd be printing ALL OF THAT CRAP and taking it straight to my lawyer. Seriously, now, with all you did find, you have to assume there is more to find. I would pretty well guarantee he has slept with someone else. If he still having sex with you, please go see your gyno for STD screening. God knows what he could have brought home to you.

Yes I am wanting to find out all that I can, but more for my peace of mind. Most states consider looking at spouses computer an invasion of privacy so the stuff I find is for my information only, to give me a perspective into our situation & what I need to do,

Incidently, I would not be mentioning to him in any way shape or form that I knew about this.

Agree ^^

<p>Last time out I suggested that your marriage - ba<x>sed on the details available then - was a dysfunctional shithole.</p><p>You have just added exhibit #202 to the pile of evidence.</p><p>As far as snooping further, it is hard to see what the pay off for the effort involved would be. You sure as hell are NOT going to find any evidence of a positive nature, just more bad. Might be time to direct your efforts toward YOU and what is in your longer term best interests. There is no "we" in your dynamic. And devoting any more effort toward him doesn't really have any upside (that I can see anyway).</p><p>This is likely way too early for where your head is at - but when you are ready, go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you. You need an alternative to staying in this shithole, and alternatives don't fall out of the sky, you have to construct them. Legal advice provides the foundation for the construction.</p><p>Sorry to hear about this development. Must be quite the slap in the face.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

Thanks Bazzar, yes I plan to see a lawyer to talk out my options. I just have to hang in til I am graduated. In the meantime I am working on me, looking into houses &amp; jobs, etc. Maybe some can just pick up &amp; move on but I guess I need closure. I want to know the person I have spent 20 years with, it is making it easier to finally see the light of day in my marriage. The websites I am finding that he frequents is leading me toward closure. I don't believe, even if confronted, he would ever tell me the truth...so I am looking for it myself. Not to use against him in a divorce but to finally see what he really thinks of our marriage, behind all the hand holding, kissing, etc...past all the crap you could say. :)
Thanks for your perspective, it is greatly appreciated.

do let us know how things progress and if possible, post the seedy site names so we can know what to watch for in those closer to home situations. :)
best wishes to you.