Limited Beliefs / Avoiding PainAs I peruse stories and comments and take them in while living my own little amazing story here, I have many thoughts I want to explore. My eyes are open to the total and utter dysfunction of my marriage now that I am getting nicely and safely OUT.
Not ideally, perhaps, I am also experiencing the beginnings of a new relationship. (Do I sense eye-rolls and sighs???) It's okay. I can take the judgment - makes me stronger. I know what I am doing here. I actually am quite sane. It IS a relationship and it IS new -- where it goes is yet to be determined. ;)
I see a lot of fear for happiness in these boards. I realize that is just my perspective, obviously -- it's just what i am noticing now ba
I see the warnings about starting a new relationship "too soon" --- that's "easy" (um.. BEG to differ), "passion fades," "everyone has issues," "no relationship is perfect," "love is WORK!!!" Etc and on and on.
Okay -- I would like to challenge these a bit.
First of all -- none of this is "easy" -- none of it. Staying in a SM is not easy. Leaving a SM is not easy. Healing from a SM is not easy. Starting a new relationship (at any point) after a SM is NOT easy. There are exes, ties and baggage -- loads of baggage. (not easy) That word should be obliterated from this board!
Second of all -- it may be true that "passion" fades. Face it, we can't stay in an intoxicated state our whole lives (like found in a new love). It's fun, and some people do get addicted to it and hop from one new love to the next, or they might be a serial cheater, constantly chasing that high (not judging just saying it does happen). But -- for some people, it's not just "passion" they are after. It's basic and genuine love and affection given and received -- appreciation. Passion fades, but I am sorry -- basic appreciation, respect and affection SHOULD NOT. That's a CHOICE we make in our relationships.
If one partner is failing at this, what is there to work on??
Talking about meeting the needs of the other is not the same as meeting the needs of the other. How many times I heard, "I wanted to... (blah, blah, blah)" but something stopped him from following through. Translation: I really don't want to do this, but I will SAY I do so that I am off the hook, look like the good guy and you stay put just a little while longer." So not a good game. It's a trap. I know for myself -- If I really want to do something -- I DO IT. If I don't really want to do it, I might wish I did, and talk about it, but ulitmately, if I really don't want to do something, I come up with excuses (I think of organizing my closet here, NOT sex, but that's just me). Don't tell me about how you are going to (fill in the blank).. DO IT or DON'T DO IT. If I get a lot of not doing it -- time to leave.
Now -- everyone has issues. This is so very true. I am wicked scared at my own issues and how fast they pop up these days. But is that a reason to settle -- out of fear the next person will have "worse" issues??? I know I did for awhile ba
Sure a person can learn and change -- we all give our spouse that chance, dreaming, hoping they will. But if they won't -- they won't.
I don't know -- I don't know it all and I am not preaching AND I admit none of these thoughts are solely my own but more accurate a combination of all of yours that I have soaked in the last year. I just have been stuck on this whole thought process of being frozen to act on anything out of the rules and plans we force ourselves to abide by that seem to be rooted in limited beliefs and fear.
Avoiding pain is no way to live.
Updated to Add:
Someone emailed me asking WHY I would pursue something so soon (not even officially divorced yet, by law, but we are done). I could list all of my reasons why, but no reader would care about those reasons, so I will just say this -- because I am not a complete idiot. Not completely. I am learning to trust my heart.
I know listening to my heart does not insure me from pain. As a poster wrote below -- love results in pain. I believe that there is nothing written that says we "shouldn't" experience pain. Following my heart might not lead me to an outcome I am hoping for, it might lead to a better one or a worse one, as I flow through life. I will experience pain and hurt again. That's a guarantee. But I won't close up and shut down anticipating it. Experiencing pain is not always an indicator a choice was "wrong."