Here'S One Reason Some Of You Live In A Sexless Marriage

You’ve read and seriously considered EP diatribes that rail against the person who refuses sex and just know that it’s not your fault. Couldn’t be.

But it is.

You’re an abuser, and your partner doesn’t want to have sex with an abuser.

You deny you are one, of course; how could you be? S/he is stupid, fat, incompetent, always trying to get the last word in, argumentative, provoking, and…all the rest. Couldn’t possibly be your fault.

Problem is, the longer you deny it, the more likely you are to lose out.

You haven’t confronted your own feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness or fear, and you will always be less for it. You haven’t faced the fact that you are to blame, that it’s not his/her fault, it is all your fault.

You are an abuser.

Facing your own inner demons would mean being honest, and you are not. Realizing that you cause the misery in your relationship would mean accepting responsibility and being accountable, and you will do neither. Refusing to work on your issues is your cowardice, not your strength, at work.

You are small and insignificant to those of us that have learned your secrets. We see the powerlessness in you and pity your inability to protect and champion your inner child and help him/her grow to be a complete person.

We know your true face. We know you for who and what you are. It no longer works to call us names and impugn our motives, our intelligence, or our emotions.

We are legion, and we will not stand for your abuse any longer.

An Ep User An EP User
41 Responses Feb 15, 2013

"You are small and insignificant to those of us that have learned your secrets. We see the powerlessness in you..."<br />
<br />
Yep. Feeding off the 'weak'. Lovely.

To Beautifully twisted: Thank you for your opinion. I took it personally and I am not alone if you look at many of the other responses to same. I took it personally because it hit a nerve! I will think about your comment as it did say some not all, however it seemed like a personal dig. I'm glad that it didn't hurt you as it hurt many of us. I am also glad that we all have a safe place to talk about our individual journeys.
Further, I read your other response about how you felt about telling those of us in these relationships that we are abusing ourselves when we chose to stay in these relationships. There is the rub BT, we often don't "get" that until it is too late, or we've put too much time in or whatever reason we chose to justify our staying. Most, NOT all of us who have survived these relationships are equally puzzled and do not understand why we don't love ourselves enough to move on. We also struggle in the same way that people who are clinically depressed do when people tell them to "snap out of it!" If we knew or at least if I had known then what I am still trying to learn now about recognizing and avoiding these men I would never have put myself through what I did. I'm certain that many here would say A'men to that statement.
Thank you for telling us to love ourselves and get on with our talents and our life etc, but understand that to many of us, this is something that we have never heard from anyone who claims to love us, and even when we hear it from others , it is still understood by us as if spoken in a foreign tongue.
I believe that you want to be positive in your comments, but understand that not everyone is as self aware as you seem to be. I am truly happy that you are and you sound like you would never have to experience this type of pain and eventual guilt. At any rate this is the way that your FEB 16 post seems to read.
" I'll never understand why you don't love yourself enough to get the hell out. You're a beautiful amazing person, and I know that because we're all beautiful amazing people to someone, and you deserve, and can have so much more.
Maybe I'm waisting my time saying that, but I'll never stop trying to show people the light simply because I'm too stubborn to give up on people I know have more potential.
Do more for yourself than sitting around complaining about it, fix it. You're beautiful, you have your own talents, your own personality. Use it and live it up ^_^ Love yourself."

But understand that many of us in these situations or those who have survived them are still EVERY DAY still learning to love ourselves, and we don't understand why we don't either. I myself spent years in therapy and waited a long time before I tried again after my unhappy controlling sexless marriage, only to find another man with controlling, abusive issues again. Totally different from my ex husband's style, but still there is a pattern. So I have to own the responsibility of being attracted to these people.
He didn't start out that way, for nearly 3 years things were really good, until the last two when I suppose either he started showing his true colors,or I woke up or both. I don't know.

All I know is that I didn't think that I didn't love myself, and I didn't start out thinking that this man would treat me the way he eventually treated me. I obviously must not love myself at least not enough, or I wouldn't have put up with it for so long. Fortunately I didn't marry that one, and I got out after only 5 years, but I still feel so stupid. I did the work in therapy and waited 2 years after the other bad relationship before trusting someone again, and still I didn't "get it right" I hope that someday I will, but honestly I feel better alone now and maybe that is the only way to avoid getting hurt I don't know, all I do know is that I would rather be alone than in another abusive relationship! I hope I KNOW that when I do meet someone else so that I don't get fooled again..
BT Please don't misunderstand me, and don't stop trying to show people the light, but understand that while you seem to really know and are comfortable in that light, our eyes and hearts are still adjusting to it. We want to love ourselves, many of us still just don't know how to. I assure you if I did I would NEVER have allowed what I did for all of those years in either relationship, and I'm certain that I am not alone in that sentiment.
Just my opinion, thank you for yours.

Gutted that I "missed" this and dang! It's all down to my neglect of my inner child.

But wait - if that's the case, I'm the victim really, I couldn't help myself.

I find this interesting to read right now. My STBX is totally acting like the abused spouse, and acting like a saint during our divorce, just so he will "look good" to his atty and anyone else. In fact, he could have very well written this. He says STOP IT to me all the time.

I have been accused of being abusive towards him, verbally and emotionally so, and the newest one is physical.

Somehow, the mere fact that he told me he felt like sex was "taboo" right after we got married, and continued to prove that point throughout our marriage, is somehow lost on him and anyone else as also being abusive.

It is abuse for your spouse to withhold sex.
It is abuse for your spouse to withhold and not give affection.
It is abuse to be rejected.
It is abuse to be denied by the person you love.

So, right there, you could say was it my frustration with the complete lack of intimacy and his constant denial of having any responsibility to the very important needs of intimacy (all levels, not just sex) that came out in anger towards him that became abuse in his eyes? Or, was it that his blatant disregard for my needs and constant passive/aggressive ways that pushed me to anger and thus him claiming abuse? Or, was he abusing me all along, withholding intimacy and inciting me to anger bc he is completely incapable of expressing his own feelings?

I think YES to all three.

But, that does not make me an abuser.

However, it does make him one, as an abuser and a refuser.

That is my soon to be ex-husband. I've been with him since I was 19 and he was 30 at the time,He's leaving me now for someone else. I was so young with no real relationship experience. I know he has been wrong. But I always end up apologizing, just hoping he would take responsibility for what he has done to me. I am 46 now, and a completely broken person. I don't know what to do?

Thank You, My kids are helping me a lot. They are the only ones that really knew what went on here. I was always too ashamed to tell anyone.

It was actually him that started withholding the sex. It was another way for him to control me when he couldn't just hit me anymore. My boys started getting bigger.

ok...sexless marriage ..wife abuse ..two seprate issues..both very serious ..but almost always seperate..if it is abuse GET OUT! well if it is no sex get out too but not as immediately...but if it is abuse get help get out and get to a safe place

I am more worried about having sex still and she doesn't feel the same way about us as she did you think that's possible ?

The more I read this the more I think my spouse wrote it...(with his lover's help)'s written by a person trying to justify their own actions but who also experiences abuse but feels powerless to stop it..push and pull...clearly feels the need to team up ...but can't let go...tries to walk away but stumbles

All of us in dysfunctional marriages (sexless) have maturity issues..we are here because we're willing to expose ourselves so that we can grow...clearly whoever wrote this is afraid of the emotional courage and growth expressed in this group and wants to stop it.

The story gives one reason why a marriage could be sexless, but doesn't give one reason why some live in it, in fact it seems to give one really good reason not to live in it.

How about the ****** I'm with is just a selfish lazy ****** who rather ********** and watch **** than enjoy sex with his girlfriend who loves him and pleases him in every way. I think your statement can apply well to some people but definitely not to me. Not because I'm in denial, but because I blamed myself for many years till I realized I wasn't the problem its him. Maybe I'm just not what he likes but I guess I will never know.

Its interesting that this post has been a rally point for people who deem it okay to punish someone by withholding intimacy. I could be wrong but it seems to send the message that is okay to control someone or exert power in a relationship by denying them affection. The comments that the refused must somehow be doing something to warrant this punishment is also very telling.

The truth is that no form of abuse - physical, mental or emotional fosters intimacy and good relations. What has been disturbing are the comments which ridicule or deride the pain and emptiness. It leaves me wondering at how people can think of love and intimacy as a common trading chip to barter for something. While I'll concede that there are situations where one is unable or unwilling to trust and be intimate due to abusive behaviors by their spouse, there aren't over 30,000 abusers here in this forum. Certainly I have found in my five and more years here that many of the members in this forum are articulate, smart and have an openness and candor which you'd be hard pressed to find anywhere else.

Thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling about my husband. He is an abuser who has never admitted to such so he has never really taken responsibility and changed it. The abuse may be less now but it still comes out in other ways. I don't feel any attraction to him and I don't love him.

If you don't love him then why do you stay?

how many years are you married to him

Have you told him how you feel in those exact words ?

get out get help and get out if it is abuse

1 More Response

People get caught up in their own little stuffy dramas of individuation. Life is hard and intimacy is harder. Oftentimes projecting and blaming the people closest to you is the most convenient thing to do, a story you tell yourself to keep yourself from feeling the feelings you don't want to feel. Sometimes people tear at each-other without even wanting to and without being able to stop. It becomes an addiction. Blame is pretty useless in any event. Do you want to be happy? Then show some courage, compassion and charity towards one another-leave the past behind and try not to be bitter.

I am not someone who can ignore this possibility. I feel as you said, that this is impossible. Yet, I've been baffled by my marriage for so long, I guess I'm willing to think of any possible angle I could be missing. I will truly reflect on this. Of course, either way, I lose. Thanks for the sleepless night. If you we're trolling you hooked at least one fish.

Were not we're. Dammit.

So tell us - how do we doing or not doing ???? __________ fill in the blank.

I think that sometimes that may be true. I have seen some people completely degrade and berate their significant others.

Thing is, I don't understand this particular forum to go complain about lack of sex in marriage, or talk about how they're cheating on their significant others because of it.

If you don't like the place you're in, fix it. Don't whine, don't complain, don't act like it's some horrible thing the other person is doing to you. Accept responsibility for what you want, and do something about getting out.

Everyone has different wants and needs. That doesn't make you a bad person. Your actions, your re-actions to a bad situation, that can define the kind of person you show yourself to be. Ultimately, it's up to the individual.

Sometimes it's easier to allow others to take the blame. It's easier to be a victim and say it's all their fault than do something about it. There's also other factors: kids, work, feelings. All that stuff that says "Look how this will affect this or that". Or, those people who think that they don't want to be alone, yet they're miserable and always complaining.

If you're miserable with who you're with, you might as well be alone.

Some people just have sexual issues where they don't feeling comfortable having sex, they have experienced trauma and just haven't worked past it.
Some people aren't all that sexual.

It doesn't make them bad people.

We all just have to decide what we can live with and what we can't. If it's something we're complaining about on a frequent basis, it's probably something we need to fix, or just walk away from.

@ beautifullytwisted = most zen comment I've read on ep :)

Great comment. Thank you.

I'm an abuser for:
... supporting a man in a career that affects the whole family?
... biting my tounge when a church member uses the "n" word in front of my son
who is biracial because I'm afraid of getting my husband fired?
...not complaining when we had to come back from vacation early for him to preach
a funeral
...working 2 jobs for my husband to go to school so he doesn't have to work?
...helping type his papers?
...doing most all of the housework without asking for him to help?
...driving nearly 2 hours to bring him a book he forgot for his class?
...keeping the bank accts. balanced and bills paid on time?
...taking his car for oil changes?
...running church errands for him?
...not returning insults when I'm called a b*tch

And never once complaining while doing any of the above. Really now? I'm the abuser?

It sounds to me like you are an abuser.

Merely by staying in that relationship, you're abusing yourself.

I understand you have all these reasons, all these things you deal with, and it's crappy and horrible. However, I'll never understand why you don't love yourself enough to get the hell out. You're a beautiful amazing person, and I know that because we're all beautiful amazing people to someone, and you deserve, and can have so much more.

Maybe I'm waisting my time saying that, but I'll never stop trying to show people the light simply because I'm too stubborn to give up on people I know have more potential.

Do more for yourself than sitting around complaining about it, fix it. You're beautiful, you have your own talents, your own personality. Use it and live it up ^_^ Love yourself.

The funny thing is, I was an abuser and realized that and changed and it helped but not for long, everything is back to the same except I am not an abuser any more ;) take that and chew on it.

This makes sense to me, it may be the cause for some people, but not for others. Often it takes two to make a difficult relationship, and often the response to abuse rather than leaving a difficult relationship can be to abuse back.
The poster did put some in the title, it s not a blanket statement, I m not sure why this has caused so much upset really, other than the fact it s annonymous.

Agreed Bonn

As someone who spent at least 10 of the 20+ years I was married in a sex-starved relationship even when I offered to don outfits and live out fantasies. and lost tons of weight after a very difficult pregnancy to look as hott as possible or my ex husband. I take severe umberance to this comment that I could have been an abuser and therefore somehow deserved this behaviour???

I feel the gentleman's pain and those of the others out there who have endured such cruelty. I feel that the only way I could have possibly been an abuser of any kind, is to have been a self abuser because I tolerated this type of relationship and did not leave him years before he finally left me and my son. I still remember the physical sensation of being pushed away both physically and emotionally over and over again.

Also, I didn't discover (or rather allow myself to explore and enjoy) "electronics" until I was 41 years old. I am such a nerd I took a course in the use of "electronics" HAHA!)
so I also still remember the physical longing and the loneliness that I suffered through in the name of being a "good wife"

I am not angry (not much) for the poster who is LEGION and who chooses to so glibly blame us who endured sex-less and sex-starved marriages.Instead I pity that person and feel that the insecurity of this individual must indeed also be LEGION as must his/her stupidity. There can be no other answer to make a person so casually throw around insults and label us as abusers who are truly hurting from this experience.

I did not have the same experience in the last relationship that I have just ended, and the sex was almost over-whelming as a result. I will miss that along with his motorcycle.. But I won't miss him! Read my Post about it.
Love to all and prayers that we all vanquish our Demons of self-loathing and find our Angels of self-LOVE

The user did say some, not all. Why do you choose to take it personally?

Thank you.

If you are so abused then you should just leave. Split everything down the middle and get the **** out.

I though it may be my H for a second, but he would totally call me out and even post my picture, so he's out too.

That's so sad...I don't understand how people get a thrill on other people's's just so sad..Satirical? No, I think these are the words of a person who lives in fear and must thus denigrate his/her peers to feel better about their own situation. And if anyone ever thought that I did that it certainly was never my intention. Humorous Sarcasm? Obviously they are not good at it. But maybe the person is just a dangler...baiting us all as MR73 suggested. And probably getting a good laugh at how defensive some of us have become. Whatever.

The term "To troll," is obviously from dangle bait in the water...similarly, internet trolls (noun) troll (verb) for their victims, they say something controversial, bigoted, weird, or angry, and see who rises to the bait.
They may or may not come back to throw more verbal gasoline onto the fire.
The troll doing the trolling finds getting people upset amusing.

My STBX never bothered to tell me she'd never desired to be physically sexual with anyone when we were dating. <br />
Every time she told me to stop, I stopped-so yes, I stopped every time.<br />
I never hit her, I praised her, I bought her things, I did the best job I could of loving her and caring for her-not always perfect, no, and I can't help having poor health. <br />
In response she behaved in ways that I found hurtful, and did not stop no matter how many times she was told that she was hurting me. She pushed me away emotionally. She also refused to cuddle nonsexually most of the time. She was easily annoyed and shouted at me just about daily. She often yelled at me for attempts to talk to her, to the point that, by the end of the relationship, I tried never to speak until spoken to. I became severely depressed in part due to the way she treated me, and contemplated suicide, as she had convinced me I was helpless without her through constant criticism.<br />
<br />
...There are probably some spouses who ARE as abusive as the spouse you're probably stuck with, anonymous user.<br />
But if you are being abused sexually, physically, emotionally, or financially, I strongly encourage you to get out.<br />
If you are asexual, I would argue that it's both your right and duty to be perfectly clear that you do not want to be sexual, that this is your orientation, and any relationships you form will not have sexual intimacy, as you dislike it. <br />
It really isn't fair to lie to a sexual person about your need to not have sex. If you are not having sex because you simply are not attracted to him or her anymore, then you should make that clear and find a way for the two of you to both get your needs met. Which involves honesty, boundary-setting, and truthfulness.

Yes, yes, I abused my poor spouse. I told him the ways he hurt me in the past so he would know. But how dare I hit him over the head with incidences that are over, that he cannot make up for? He wants me to let go of all those things. My poor abused spouse doesn't understand that letting these things go on my own means one of two things:

1. It's alright that it happened. He can't make up for [insert incident], so I will put it behind me. Problem is, I have too much self respect for this approach.

2. I have ceased to care enough about the spousal relationship to foster emotional connection by healing our past together.

So I have chosen door #2.

Wow. I may not be an angel, but I am not what you describe. Tell me how you would feel if: your spouse refused to have sex with you. Told you that you were too physically disguising to be attractive. Would only let you orally service her if you did not talk, kept a blanket over you body and allowed her to watch **** while she got off fantasizing about someone else!

You do not know the pain we endure or the pain and humiliation we suffer to try and keep things working!

Wow whoever you are you pegged my lame meter with that post!

If this was meant to be tongue in cheek, it fell flat with me. I find no humor in living with an asexual spouse.
It seems to me that it was meant to be incendiary, and I really don't wish to deal with people who get their jollies out of saying ****** things to people who are hurting.
Is that "legion", as in the legion of demons Jesus drew out of one person in the Bible? That's a whole lot of evil to pack into one person.

I would say there is some anger and bitterness there Dante. Hey its nothing new its called blame the victim although I don't think the term victim apples to those who choose not to put up with the abuse any more.
I do not think any of the people who write in here think they are without their own issues. It is the refusal of the other parties to deal with their problems that is the issue, hence the term refusers.

DB.....legion as you referenced from the Bible was EXACTLY what I thought of when I read this. Yes people demonic entities exist speak and write through people. This was nothing more than an abusive diabolical attack those in ILIASM to destroy our safe place and cause pain. Do not give this lowlife the time of your thoughts or contemplations. IGNORE deceit and ignorance. This anonymous. " person" is not worth the energy!

Chin up ILIASM forum...we know who we are, what we have done in this world we
live in to be reconciled in our marriages.

Thanks Nutty! Trolls...such a waste of time and energy.

Go Lynn! Go Lynn! Go Lynn! Yea, baby!

1 More Response

Dunno about you guys, but I reckon an existing member wrote this, and I am having quite a lot of fun speculating on "who" it actually is. There is something about the cadence and meter of the writing style that is familiar - and it is driving me nuts trying to remember where I have seen it before.

Put me out of my misery "An EP User". Who is it ?????

I've got a short list of 3 who I think it might be. But I also figure it is anonymous for a reason, and it would be poor form to name anyone. Plus - if I've got it wrong I would look like a complete dickhead !!!!!

Well it's not me so..........

Good call on the "Z" IFMH. That knocks out one of my candidates.

Well this Yank it is not....though I am fond of the ....spaces

And the double paragraph....

it MOST definitely isn't me or my hubby - his style is different lol. the way he argues that he's right is totally different, trust me.

i get refused and I feel way more abused. and every bone we get throne feels like complete torture!

could it be that lady ............24 the one who wrote the story "laughing"? you know the ones who's all good bar the sex, but she put disgusting **** in his food, you know whi I am talking about....

Too literate to be her I'd say.
Whilst there is no evidence to support it, I reckon it's a bloke who wrote this. Has been around long enough to know what would wind up the members. Probably out of a SM. Probably an irregular contributer under his own name, probably writes some funny stuff when he does contribute.
But there is 'something' about the writing "style", if not the content, that is ringing bells in my head.
Grrrrrrrrr. Frustrating.

4 More Responses

Cheaters12, is that you?

Wondered where you and your legion had gone.

I'm jealous. I want a legion, too.

@ lohla, I know, right? all I have is an interior committee...

well it's official. We've got to form one.

Only if Cheaters12 recently discovered spell check.

1 More Response

I see where you're coming from. My soon-to-be ex was narcissist too.

I honestly can't tell if this was meant to be tongue in cheek, or whether the OP was actually being genuine.

I have read this post three times, and I just grow more confused.

Abuser? No. Doormat maybe.

This post discourages placing tongues anywhere and definitely NOT in cheeks of any sort.


Well, thank you for that wonderful insight.

It's a damn good thing I'm setting my poor, abused ex free, then, isn't it? I mean, after spending a decade taking care of his every physical and emotional need, taking on most of the burden of household chores and expenses and childrearing, putting him through college and driver training in the hope of a better future, making sure he had nothing but calmness and stress-free life so that I might have one day had some actual sex - oh wait, maybe it was that time I actually begged him for sex, that might have been a bit abusive? Is that what you are talking about?

I'm so sorry I didn't take his anger and frustration and passive-aggressive tirades in a more loving and patient manner. Perhaps my entreaties for some sort of cottage holiday, or even a few hours away from the kids alone together, were just too abusive for the poor sweetheart.

Maybe this is the year he would have finally realized he had it so bad he needed to leave on his own, instead of me insisting that we separate and that I was through.

Maybe. That could be the case for some. I wouldn't have sex with an abusive person if I recognized the abuse. So yeah, that makes sense. Better question is, when are you going to take back your life?

You are right, I am scum. Which is why I don't expect my wife to love me, ever. I have no idea why she hangs on. I feel bad for her, I really do. Unfortunately I am so far gone that there is no chance of unscumming myself. Now excuse me while I slash my wrist.

That may not please my spouse ("you are messing up the carpet again") but certainly the anonymous poster will enjoy the spectacle. "Jeeesus what an *******!"

The way I see it, two wrongs don't make a right.

Split up, it will work wonders for both of you

Abuse, whether emotional or physical can result in a lack of trust and withholding of sexual intimacy. This turns the relationship into a power struggle between both spouses, a shared dysfunction.

Without discounting the point the OP is attempting to make, by and large, most of the members in this forum have attempted to communicate the problem time and time again only to be met with stone walling or excuses. They have even attempted marital and personal therapy.

More often than not, the refusing spouse refuses to go for joint or personal therapy. IMO, more often than not, refusers are the ones who shy away from working on their inner issues. I find the reference to protecting one's inner child intriguing. As much as connecting to one's inner child is important, there is also a need to ensure that the inner child does not inhibit the emotional growth and needs of the adult.

Amen Lao.

More to the point - if you are in an abusive relationship, why don't you leave? Is it really benefiting your life to stay and punish them by withholding sex?

Hmmmm..... Can you tell me in what way I have abused my husband? I think not.