Here'S One Reason Some Of You Live In A Sexless Marriage

You’ve read and seriously considered EP diatribes that rail against the person who refuses sex and just know that it’s not your fault. Couldn’t be.

But it is.

You’re an abuser, and your partner doesn’t want to have sex with an abuser.

You deny you are one, of course; how could you be? S/he is stupid, fat, incompetent, always trying to get the last word in, argumentative, provoking, and…all the rest. Couldn’t possibly be your fault.

Problem is, the longer you deny it, the more likely you are to lose out.

You haven’t confronted your own feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness or fear, and you will always be less for it. You haven’t faced the fact that you are to blame, that it’s not his/her fault, it is all your fault.

You are an abuser.

Facing your own inner demons would mean being honest, and you are not. Realizing that you cause the misery in your relationship would mean accepting responsibility and being accountable, and you will do neither. Refusing to work on your issues is your cowardice, not your strength, at work.

You are small and insignificant to those of us that have learned your secrets. We see the powerlessness in you and pity your inability to protect and champion your inner child and help him/her grow to be a complete person.

We know your true face. We know you for who and what you are. It no longer works to call us names and impugn our motives, our intelligence, or our emotions.

We are legion, and we will not stand for your abuse any longer.

An Ep User An EP User
41 Responses Feb 15, 2013

Cheaters12, is that you?

Wondered where you and your legion had gone.

I'm jealous. I want a legion, too.

@ lohla, I know, right? all I have is an interior committee...

well it's official. We've got to form one.

Only if Cheaters12 recently discovered spell check.

1 More Response

I see where you're coming from. My soon-to-be ex was narcissist too.

I honestly can't tell if this was meant to be tongue in cheek, or whether the OP was actually being genuine.

I have read this post three times, and I just grow more confused.

Abuser? No. Doormat maybe.

This post discourages placing tongues anywhere and definitely NOT in cheeks of any sort.


Well, thank you for that wonderful insight.

It's a damn good thing I'm setting my poor, abused ex free, then, isn't it? I mean, after spending a decade taking care of his every physical and emotional need, taking on most of the burden of household chores and expenses and childrearing, putting him through college and driver training in the hope of a better future, making sure he had nothing but calmness and stress-free life so that I might have one day had some actual sex - oh wait, maybe it was that time I actually begged him for sex, that might have been a bit abusive? Is that what you are talking about?

I'm so sorry I didn't take his anger and frustration and passive-aggressive tirades in a more loving and patient manner. Perhaps my entreaties for some sort of cottage holiday, or even a few hours away from the kids alone together, were just too abusive for the poor sweetheart.

Maybe this is the year he would have finally realized he had it so bad he needed to leave on his own, instead of me insisting that we separate and that I was through.

Maybe. That could be the case for some. I wouldn't have sex with an abusive person if I recognized the abuse. So yeah, that makes sense. Better question is, when are you going to take back your life?

You are right, I am scum. Which is why I don't expect my wife to love me, ever. I have no idea why she hangs on. I feel bad for her, I really do. Unfortunately I am so far gone that there is no chance of unscumming myself. Now excuse me while I slash my wrist.

That may not please my spouse ("you are messing up the carpet again") but certainly the anonymous poster will enjoy the spectacle. "Jeeesus what an *******!"

The way I see it, two wrongs don't make a right.

Split up, it will work wonders for both of you

Abuse, whether emotional or physical can result in a lack of trust and withholding of sexual intimacy. This turns the relationship into a power struggle between both spouses, a shared dysfunction.

Without discounting the point the OP is attempting to make, by and large, most of the members in this forum have attempted to communicate the problem time and time again only to be met with stone walling or excuses. They have even attempted marital and personal therapy.

More often than not, the refusing spouse refuses to go for joint or personal therapy. IMO, more often than not, refusers are the ones who shy away from working on their inner issues. I find the reference to protecting one's inner child intriguing. As much as connecting to one's inner child is important, there is also a need to ensure that the inner child does not inhibit the emotional growth and needs of the adult.

Amen Lao.

More to the point - if you are in an abusive relationship, why don't you leave? Is it really benefiting your life to stay and punish them by withholding sex?

Hmmmm..... Can you tell me in what way I have abused my husband? I think not.