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Here'S One Reason Some Of You Live In A Sexless Marriage

You’ve read and seriously considered EP diatribes that rail against the person who refuses sex and just know that it’s not your fault. Couldn’t be.

But it is.

You’re an abuser, and your partner doesn’t want to have sex with an abuser.

You deny you are one, of course; how could you be? S/he is stupid, fat, incompetent, always trying to get the last word in, argumentative, provoking, and…all the rest. Couldn’t possibly be your fault.

Problem is, the longer you deny it, the more likely you are to lose out.

You haven’t confronted your own feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness or fear, and you will always be less for it. You haven’t faced the fact that you are to blame, that it’s not his/her fault, it is all your fault.

You are an abuser.

Facing your own inner demons would mean being honest, and you are not. Realizing that you cause the misery in your relationship would mean accepting responsibility and being accountable, and you will do neither. Refusing to work on your issues is your cowardice, not your strength, at work.

You are small and insignificant to those of us that have learned your secrets. We see the powerlessness in you and pity your inability to protect and champion your inner child and help him/her grow to be a complete person.

We know your true face. We know you for who and what you are. It no longer works to call us names and impugn our motives, our intelligence, or our emotions.

We are legion, and we will not stand for your abuse any longer.

An Ep User An EP User 49 Responses Feb 15, 2013

Your Response


Wow. I may not be an angel, but I am not what you describe. Tell me how you would feel if: your spouse refused to have sex with you. Told you that you were too physically disguising to be attractive. Would only let you orally service her if you did not talk, kept a blanket over you body and allowed her to watch **** while she got off fantasizing about someone else!

You do not know the pain we endure or the pain and humiliation we suffer to try and keep things working!

Wow whoever you are you pegged my lame meter with that post!

If this was meant to be tongue in cheek, it fell flat with me. I find no humor in living with an asexual spouse.
It seems to me that it was meant to be incendiary, and I really don't wish to deal with people who get their jollies out of saying ****** things to people who are hurting.
Is that "legion", as in the legion of demons Jesus drew out of one person in the Bible? That's a whole lot of evil to pack into one person.

I would say there is some anger and bitterness there Dante. Hey its nothing new its called blame the victim although I don't think the term victim apples to those who choose not to put up with the abuse any more.
I do not think any of the people who write in here think they are without their own issues. It is the refusal of the other parties to deal with their problems that is the issue, hence the term refusers.

DB.....legion as you referenced from the Bible was EXACTLY what I thought of when I read this. Yes people demonic entities exist speak and write through people. This was nothing more than an abusive diabolical attack those in ILIASM to destroy our safe place and cause pain. Do not give this lowlife the time of your thoughts or contemplations. IGNORE deceit and ignorance. This anonymous. " person" is not worth the energy!

Chin up ILIASM forum...we know who we are, what we have done in this world we
live in to be reconciled in our marriages.

Thanks Nutty! Trolls...such a waste of time and energy.

Go Lynn! Go Lynn! Go Lynn! Yea, baby!

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I can't say much about someone who lacks the courage to post his/her name. Especially when this person claims words like this so strongly. So I take where it is coming from. Yeah. And then I just turn and leave. Someone is angry. And someone is too afraid to post his name. Too bad.

Dunno about you guys, but I reckon an existing member wrote this, and I am having quite a lot of fun speculating on "who" it actually is. There is something about the cadence and meter of the writing style that is familiar - and it is driving me nuts trying to remember where I have seen it before.

Put me out of my misery "An EP User". Who is it ?????

Me too! There IS something familiar about the style of writing...who is it?

I've got a short list of 3 who I think it might be. But I also figure it is anonymous for a reason, and it would be poor form to name anyone. Plus - if I've got it wrong I would look like a complete dickhead !!!!!

Well it's not me so..........

Good call on the "Z" IFMH. That knocks out one of my candidates.

Well this Yank it is not....though I am fond of the ....spaces

And the double paragraph....

it MOST definitely isn't me or my hubby - his style is different lol. the way he argues that he's right is totally different, trust me.

i get refused and I feel way more abused. and every bone we get throne feels like complete torture!

could it be that lady ............24 the one who wrote the story "laughing"? you know the ones who's all good bar the sex, but she put disgusting **** in his food, you know whi I am talking about....

Too literate to be her I'd say.
Whilst there is no evidence to support it, I reckon it's a bloke who wrote this. Has been around long enough to know what would wind up the members. Probably out of a SM. Probably an irregular contributer under his own name, probably writes some funny stuff when he does contribute.
But there is 'something' about the writing "style", if not the content, that is ringing bells in my head.
Grrrrrrrrr. Frustrating.

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I believe this is meant to be taken as satire.

Agreed. It's quite good.

Cheaters12, is that you?

Wondered where you and your legion had gone.

I'm jealous. I want a legion, too.

@ lohla, I know, right? all I have is an interior committee...

well it's official. We've got to form one.

Only if Cheaters12 recently discovered spell check.

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I see where you're coming from. My soon-to-be ex was narcissist too.

I honestly can't tell if this was meant to be tongue in cheek, or whether the OP was actually being genuine.

I have read this post three times, and I just grow more confused.

Abuser? No. Doormat maybe.

This post discourages placing tongues anywhere and definitely NOT in cheeks of any sort.


Well, thank you for that wonderful insight.

It's a damn good thing I'm setting my poor, abused ex free, then, isn't it? I mean, after spending a decade taking care of his every physical and emotional need, taking on most of the burden of household chores and expenses and childrearing, putting him through college and driver training in the hope of a better future, making sure he had nothing but calmness and stress-free life so that I might have one day had some actual sex - oh wait, maybe it was that time I actually begged him for sex, that might have been a bit abusive? Is that what you are talking about?

I'm so sorry I didn't take his anger and frustration and passive-aggressive tirades in a more loving and patient manner. Perhaps my entreaties for some sort of cottage holiday, or even a few hours away from the kids alone together, were just too abusive for the poor sweetheart.

Maybe this is the year he would have finally realized he had it so bad he needed to leave on his own, instead of me insisting that we separate and that I was through.

wow. you know, this post describes my h very well in some ways. thanks for that.

oh, you meant me?

thanks for the chuckle then!

Maybe. That could be the case for some. I wouldn't have sex with an abusive person if I recognized the abuse. So yeah, that makes sense. Better question is, when are you going to take back your life?

You are right, I am scum. Which is why I don't expect my wife to love me, ever. I have no idea why she hangs on. I feel bad for her, I really do. Unfortunately I am so far gone that there is no chance of unscumming myself. Now excuse me while I slash my wrist.

That may not please my spouse ("you are messing up the carpet again") but certainly the anonymous poster will enjoy the spectacle. "Jeeesus what an *******!"

The way I see it, two wrongs don't make a right.

Split up, it will work wonders for both of you

Abuse, whether emotional or physical can result in a lack of trust and withholding of sexual intimacy. This turns the relationship into a power struggle between both spouses, a shared dysfunction.

Without discounting the point the OP is attempting to make, by and large, most of the members in this forum have attempted to communicate the problem time and time again only to be met with stone walling or excuses. They have even attempted marital and personal therapy.

More often than not, the refusing spouse refuses to go for joint or personal therapy. IMO, more often than not, refusers are the ones who shy away from working on their inner issues. I find the reference to protecting one's inner child intriguing. As much as connecting to one's inner child is important, there is also a need to ensure that the inner child does not inhibit the emotional growth and needs of the adult.

Amen Lao.

You probably won't be well received on this particular forum as most people are here because they have done everything possible to fix their marriage/fix themselves/save their families. The people who support them here (me included) make the assumption that they have done enough navel gazing, "pleasing" tactics, and personal change to arrive at the unhappy conclusion that their spouse is refusing sex unfairly and that there's not a whole lot they can do about it (other than leave). The title of your post is good because you say "some" and "one reason," so I get you are not spitting on all of us, and I can definitely see your point that people would become refusers because their spouse has been awful in any number of ways--bossy, critical, mean, naggy, babyish, abusive, etc.--but I suspect these adjectives don't describe the majority of folks here. Maybe you should set up an "I Refuse Sex Because My Spouse is an Abusive Jacka**" forum.

More to the point - if you are in an abusive relationship, why don't you leave? Is it really benefiting your life to stay and punish them by withholding sex?

Hmmmm..... Can you tell me in what way I have abused my husband? I think not.