A Little Nervous

This afternoon I will see a new therapist. I think the marriage therapist we've been seeing is better for helping an individual than he is helping a relationship, if that makes sense. He started the first day by saying "I don't care about your marriage, I care about YOU." Which on one hand was good.. you know, I matter in this as ME... but at the same point... the marriage is important. But he is a 70 yr old man, and if you've read my other story about what is killing our relationship, our intimacy issues, then you'd understand that maybe a 70 yr old man isn't the best help. But yesterday he and I spoke and he said I shouldn't ever do something out of duty, I shouldn't have sex to service him or out of guilt, only if I feel like I want to. And while I do want to have sex, those other issues cause me a great deal of anxiety with having sex with HIM. I want to have sex every day.
The counselor said that he doesn't see how I won't have anxiety in this situation, and so, I need someone who can do more for me than point out the obvious... like tools on HOW to overcome my anxiety of being hurt physically and emotionally again and again.
So, I will see a lady today that has a record of being helpful in the area of sex. We will see.
DancingFire DancingFire
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 15, 2013

"I don't care about your marriage, I care about YOU."
To me, this is the sign of a GOOD therapist. I can see why it was not acceptable to you in your current frame of mind, but it does not mean the therapist was at fault.

Saving a marriage is about the two people IN it finding ways to compromise on their individual needs. It sounds to me that you are not willing to compromise on your sexual needs - and you certainly do not have to do that. But you DO need to realise that you cannot have your cake AND eat it. If you can't compromise on your sexual needs, and he (husband) cannot /will not meet those needs, then NO amount of "counselling" in the world will fix your marriage.

Saying "I want to have my sexual needs met AND I want to stay in this marriage" is perfectly FINE! In fact, almost all of us came to this forum with that desire. Sadly, the circumstances of your marriage and the man to whom you are married are very UNLIKELY to provide you with the outcome you are seeking.

By all means see another therapist. By all means continue to try everything possible to make it work. At some point you will be in a position to judge if you have or have not been successful. My only advice to you is to run a clock on it. Don't come back here in ten years saying "I'm still trying and it still isn't working". You are young and deserve a better life than the one you have at present.


I agree, I understand. I think I'm stuck very much with wanting my kids to be happy... but honestly, I feel so empty inside with him, that I know something will have to happen... BUt I don't WANT to hurt my kids!

This, and all the replies that follow, is heartbreaking. I want to take this opportunity to repeat something I said in reply to another of your stories. I truly believe this and, hard as it is to hear, my experience tells me you have a choice to make.....your happiness or your children's. I promise you that if you split with your husband, the children will suffer. There is no avoiding that fact. In the life of a child, one fact is paramount....mommy and daddy must be there. There is no adequate substitute for either of you. That applies even if they are being hurt by your arguing and the general sucky atmosphere in your home. I am sorry to have to point this out to you. But I truly believe it

If she is good, pass my name along to her :)

I think you are on top of it and aware and looking for help and answers. I commend you on switching counsellors you are very wise to do that instead of continuing to go to someone whom is not helping your situation. I wish I had that insight when it came to my OBGYN and libido issues our lives could have been so much fuller, richer in love and intimacy. I kept going to him year after year and talking to him to no avail. Good for you, and if this one doesn't do it go to another one no harm in that. I think you should have a good repore with someone you are going to discussing such intimate details with and what an important role they play in the success of the direction of your relationship. I think they should be for marriage, i mean thats why you are there is to see if you can work it out. There has to be a balance of couple and individual therapy IMO. I wish my husband would go I would go in a heartbeat- We need it bad! Hope this is the one to help you turn things around. God Bless You.

I just read your comments about her recommendations.I am no therapist and no expert at all that's evident, but that sounds weird to me too. I am sure you are already on cautious alert with her. If she say things you disagree with strongly again go to that next number in the book and see someone else. This is super important and it's about you and your husband and not the therapist.

Thanks. This one is Number 3!! I had one, a lady, just for me, who worked great until her standing advice to make sex work was "Change how you think about him." And while I understand what she is saying... to focus on the good, not the bad, etc. It really doesn't help me overcome my anxiety of what could happen to me... an allergic reaction. And it doesn't change him being a lousy lover. I can pretend to enjoy it all I want but at some point I'm simply going to lose my mind more than I already have and grab men off the street and just prove to the world I am not broken and I can indeed rock your world. Ohhh kay... ya, I"m a little overwhelmed and slightly crazy at the moment. But ya, this is therapist 3 ... we shall see.

Ok, So, I went and she listened to my life in a nutshell and she says, "well, you CAN'T have intercourse with him"... so you and he use a vibrator for you and you find alternate means to pleasure him. And I thought. That's not love making. I'm not broken. Another man could have intercourse with me just fine... all the Drs assure me this is very likely 100% isolated to him and I, as its rare. Like talk show fodder rare.
I can use a vibrator on my own thank you. And while I dont' object to oral, I don't want to ONLY to that to him, EVERY time for the rest of my life. I like the entire package and act of sex. Are you kidding me. This is my life? And then she acted all surprised... "well, what? You want to leave?" And I said, we'll I've sure been thinking about it.
But she wants me to give her a try. I agreed to give her a chance. Miracles still happen. Right? But really I left frustrated and like what the hell do I have to give up now?

Personal opinion only.

Individual counselling can be very valuable. Joint / Marriage counselling, not so much (if you are talking about a genuine ILIASM shithole)

Individual counselling can help you drill down to your core truth(s) and then make informed choices based on those truths. Thus, you move forward. Assorted relationships in your life either survive this process or they don't.

But you do have to have a counsellor who's a good fit. Hope this chick delivers the goods for you Sister DF

Tread your own path.