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Small Update From Opposite Land

So last night I got in a fight with my lover. As I started to retreat, which is what I am used to, he says, "No, tell me why you are mad". I explain why I am upset. He explains why he is upset. We acknowledge each others point of view. We discuss it and come to a compromise.

Is this how normal people interact with each other? No one stomps off and refuses to speak for days? No one is left alone crying? There is no passive aggressive 'punishment' in the works? I really could get used to this.
Maleficent77 Maleficent77 31-35, F 6 Responses Feb 15, 2013

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ALL relationships contain a degree of conflict. The relationships that survive long term are the ones where BOTH people act as stakeholders and work together to find a solution to whatever problem they are dealing with.

Anecdote.

The first major disgreement the alluring enna and I had brought on an 'automatic' re-action from me that I had "learned" in my prior dynamic. A pure visceral reaction, unrelated to the environment at hand, but all about the 'old' environment. And, SUPER unhelpful. A typical 'flight or fight' reaction. Flight won.

Temporarily.

About an hour after this blow up, enna approached me. (Naturally, 'tough in the head' blokes do NOT do the approaching !!!!!!) After a couple of minutes discussion - which surprisingly to me did NOT result in a re-escalation of things - we dismantled our disagreement, and re-constructed it. Tore it apart, looked at it from assorted angles, looked up its' arse, looked at it every which way. Objectively. Lovingly.

It was a truly defining event for me. A real landmark event in my (and her) "unlearning" of the old and "learning" of the new.

I am still "unlearning" **** now. Still get that visceral reactionary feeling when conflict arises between us now, but having "learned" that in this dynamic that if you have a problem you say so and why and that the outcome is highly likely to be positive, I don't 'fear' it any more.

Indeed, I (almost) welcome that gut feeling theses days, as it means that I am about to learn something valuable about her, about me, about "we". And, surprise surprise, I have discovered that I am NOT as 'tough in the head' as I used to think I was. And that, has been an astounding and liberating bit of information.

Pretty interesting place OppositeLand. Hell of a lot of things to explore.

Tread your own path.

Life with you is so easy Bazzar - and this s just one of the reasons. {{{{{{hugs}}}} . . . . and more!!

Awesome healthy conflict resolution. Hats off to him for taking the initiative, and hats off to you for following through on his lead. When my wife is upset with me, I can plead to her to tell me why she is upset, to help me be better for her. Alas, I get no hints.

Keep on the positive cycle!

Way to go!

No, it isn't normal, as in it's not typical. But it should be.

If you can't or won't explain yourself and even justify yourself, you are ****** and deserve to be.

Period. The End. Finito.

wonderful! how is it going otherwise?

Things are trudging along. Got court in 2 weeks at which point I hope to have either STBX or me out of this house. Lover is impatient (why we fought) but understands how things must be for now. STBX has been spending more time with the kids, which still only means a couple hours at a time but he has managed to feed them lunch for the first time in his life. He has also reverted to acting like we are married. He even asked me to complete some paperwork for his lawyer because "I am better at paperwork". Slow strange journey.

omigosh on him asking you to complete some of the paperwork for him. a rare & unusual specimen of bird, for sure. ;)

i am glad that BF at least is being more understanding of your situation.

let us know on the day of court so we can wing support towards you through the universe.

you sound good. that IS good.

Yes! Welcome to opposite land. Won't you be my neighbor?