Yesterday was Valentines Day. I had no expectations. We had a nice lunch and exchanged cards. I figured that would be it. She suggested that we could cuddle up in bed. I said OK. This generally means spooning in bed for a while, until she wants to go to sleep. She'd never consider falling asleep in an embrace. After a while, I sensed my time was up and I believe she said good night. That's when I decided to start caressing her left breast through her t-shirt. I remember that she really used to like this, back when we had a physical relationship. She didn't pull away, tell me to go to sleep or any other refusal, so I kept at it for a couple of minutes. Then I decided to go for broke and reached up under her t-shirt and continued the caresses. Then, to my shock and awe, she did something that she hadn't done for months (five, this time). She took out her mouth guard. OK, this probably sounds pretty dull (she grinds her teeth), but just like Pavlov's dog, I knew immediately that she was "in the mood"! I have to admit that this past year has been incredible. This would make the third time in 12 months that we would have sexual relations! I'd actually hit the jackpot!

Next thing I know, she is out of bed and facing me - actually letting me see her - take her t-shirt off and pull her sweatpants off. I hadn't seen her naked in over a year! I couldn't believe my eyes! Then she pushed me over on my back, straddled me and pressed her right nipple at my mouth. OK, now I have no idea who this woman is anymore. This is like the woman I married 23 years ago, but better, because she is acting like she knows what she wants and is going for it. Assertive. I still have no clue how she can be this way after refusing me for so many years (like 10 years of zero to 2 times per year, and a 3 year stretch with NOTHING).

Then she says, "Come on top of me", which has always been her way of saying she's ready for me. But then, she says, "The doctor took me off of birth control two months ago". WTF, I'm thinking. This never came up once during conversation at any time ovwer the past 60 days - why now? Shows what a great rapport we have - talking about nothing that really matters and not talking about the stuff that really does matter.

Well, things were going so well, I didn't want to be a buzz-kill. She seemed to actually be enjoying herself, so I went full steam ahead. We actually talked a little bit while "in process" (which NEVER, EVER happens) and I was thinking I must be living someone else's life, 'cause it certainly isn't mine. I believe that I withdrew in the nick of time and proceeded to get ready for bed, for real this time.

Before, I used to think WTF happened, we no longer have any sexual relations at all. Now this happens, and now I'm thinking WTF just happened? This is the woman I've been dreaming about all of these lonely years. And all of a sudden, this refuser has begun acting like a NORMAL WOMAN!?!?

I don't care why. I am pissed that she didn't have the decency to tell me about her unilateral decision to stop birth control. But I can forget about that. The next day, I ask her about the night before and she said it was "Nice". She has NEVER said it was NICE before.  In her vocabulary, nice is a high compliment.  Usually, she says it was fine, which means that I almost finished fast enough to minimize her inconvenience.

I really don't know what happened, but I hope to God that things have changed and this is the new normal. I had heard that birth control pills can affect libido - maybe they affect hers. I hope and pray that is the answer.

And then I could resign from ILIASM!
n44wwep n44wwep
51-55, M
14 Responses Feb 15, 2013

It's funny I n=keep mine out in the hopes for sex or intimacy for that matter!!!

NEGATIVE for both Urine and Blood pregnancy tests yesterday!<br />
Unexpectedly, this "our-world-is coming-to-an-end, life-as-we knew-it-is-gone-forever" petrifying scare has opened up a channel of communication the likes of which we have not had since before we were married. I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THIS FOR MY WORST ENEMY, HOWEVER!<br />
But the upside is that (for the moment), we are actually talking about our lives together.

Mouth guard, LOL! I'll keep mine out if I think there's a chance!

Me too. Haven't left mine out in 25 years.

From all I've read the store doesn't have to be closed only if the owner wants to shut it down. It all depends on attitude and getting the help you need to make it happen whether it be lubricants, supplements or whatever. I think there is help to continue a healthy or even start a healthy sexual life later in life and continue on up til 70s. IDK that's just what I've read and it's my goal if we can get things straightened out. If you have the right attitude then there is a way. IMO

Generally stores with good customer service stay open, even if they have to switch to non-profit. Stores with a history of no customer service tend to close down as soon as there is nothing in it for them.

Might I be controversial and suggest that you might want to consider "the cut"? I would assume that one way or another that you don't want to become a father again, no matter what. If that is the case you would be a typical candidate. It would remove any worry on that score for you and for her. Some men apparently complain about long-term side-effects which you should read up on, but I believe that the majority does not. It must be worth at least considering? And depending on how you present it, it could be considered a generous gesture.

Definately something that could be considered. I haven't given it any serious thought, because there would be no point if there is no sex. I'll check into the side effects, though. Generally, I think surgery should be avoided at any cost, based upon my past experiences (nerve damage, scarring that doesn't fade, adhesions, pain, etc.)

Hope things continue to go well for you.

Thank you. And here's a hug for you and hope for your good fortune.

All of your responses have been heartwarming and I truly appreciate every single comment. You are all looking out for me, cheering , advising, cautioning and I need to hear it all.

I wouldn't know who was here if the refrigerator/wife did something like that.

do you want the good news or the bad news?

Yes (any news is fine)

First, since your wife is 50, the reason is she now off BC is not to have a baby, but because the store is closing. The good news is now she wants to have sex, yes she wants to have sex, because she has had the pre-menopause lecture of how things will change, such as the doctor telling her she may notice a reduction in libido. Take advantage of this store closing sale, it can be a lot of fun. The bad news is when the store closes, then that's it.

Great information. Store closing sale is really good analogy. Given that we apparently don't discuss anything her OB/GYN discusses with her, thanks for filling me in. Forewarned is forearmed.

She has asked he OB/GYN about her lack of interest. He never responded. Same with her Internist. She never responded.

At times, I've been sorely tempted to give her back rubs with testosterone cream!

I must say that I am less than pleased with the support in this regard from her doctors.

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Could very well be that BC. I hope it is and I hope you all are done having children and that's not her motive. You say you are in the early fifties range and if your wife is even mid forties I wouldn't even think about having any more children at that age. Just use other measures and go for it. Pursue a plan together to get your intimate life back on tract. This may be the door to open up a whole new life for you and your wife. Maybe you both could talk about your top 2 - 3 most wanted and essential needs and then implement a plan of fulfilling those needs for one another. You just never know. Best Wishes and God Bless You! Fingers crossed and legs too (whoops after writing that I thought oh no I have done gone and said the wrong thing) I've got to learn to stop crossing those legs! lol. Bahahahaha

Absolutely right - no more kids. Risk factors are fantastically high. Thanks for the wishes. I am cautiously optimistic. LOL, I've got my fingers and toes crossed.

OH ****! All I can think is she's "baby-making"....and I am a woman...

I've been pretty good about withdrawal (and, yes, I do know the odds aren't the best - but it is something). However, I'm now set for the future with a small arsenal of protection.

Haha, yeah..... withdrawal /= birth control. And "store closing" doesn't mean the store's completely out of eggs yet. Use those condoms, and use them correctly. Assuming she is possibly capable of change, it's sooooo not worth a "late in life" baby.

Another name for people using withdrawal: parents.

Too right.

Before marriage, I did it a lot. After marriage, we tried to have kids but nothing happened. I got tested - OK. She got tested - and the doctor said merely administering the test frequently improved fertility. It did. Got two kids.

I probably didn't even need to withdraw before marriage. Now she is back to her highly irregular periods (many are very short), so she may really be infertile.

But we can't really risk it now.

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That's awesome! Birth control can do some funky things to a woman's mind and body. Tips for re-building intimacy have really been helping me as is advice on how to not kill intimacy. And learning to ask for clarification of feelings. Perhaps you might want to look into that stuff now that it's really relevant:)

If you have any links, please pass them on (re-building intimacy). Not killing intimacy is #1 on my list right now.

OK, #2. No pregnancy has to be #1. And now I've got my act together in that regard. I realize it only takes once, so I'll be going to church regularly now...

I truly wish for your sake that your hopes and dreams are coming true. It would be nice for us to have some happy endings. but.... all I can think of is the words of Elmer Fudd.... be vewry vewry careful. (Gee I am really getting to be terrible at thinking the worst)

LOL. I think we are all somewhat fragile here and expecting the worst is our life.

Jeez did this one set the alarm klaxon sounding in my head or what.

At the first stage of the story I was thinking "re-set sex"

By the middle of it, I was thinking "she wants another kid"

By the end of it, I was thinking "Brother n44wwep has been played again"

As it write this I am thinking "****, I hope I am completely wrong".

Tread your own path.

I'm wondering if she's still fertile...if so that might be what she's up to.

I feel bad because.. I don't wanna rain on anyone's parade but...
all I could think was "omg.. 3 times a year would be a good "new normal!?"
I'm just...
I'm gonna stop myself right here. Maybe my expectations are abnormally high? 3 times before noon sounds good...

I would be THRILLED with relations three times a year! You must have read my mind!

Same thoughts here...

thinking the same thing plus some pfffts and swear words, other than that, exactly the same thought.

Baz, thanks for weighing in. I always read your responses carefully and sincerely appreciate your wisdom as a senior member of ILIASM. I had similar thoughts and ended with the same one.
Hylierandom, she's over 50, so I'd be shocked if she wanted another baby. But who knows. She does know of the risks of late pregnancy. I've never known her to be cunning, but my antennae are looking for any such signals. Hoping I'm not naive here.
lohla, changewilldoyougood and oceansun: my expectations are so low, that this minor uptick (3x in 12 months) feels like I've died and gone to heaven. Not the heaven I was thinking about when I was 18, but the 57 year old ILIASM version. The amazing part was that SHE said it was nice - first time in 23 years. I'm going to try to ride this wave as long as I can. Trying not to think of the door slamming in my face...

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