StunnedYesterday was Valentines Day. I had no expectations. We had a nice lunch and exchanged cards. I figured that would be it. She suggested that we could cuddle up in bed. I said OK. This generally means spooning in bed for a while, until she wants to go to sleep. She'd never consider falling asleep in an embrace. After a while, I sensed my time was up and I believe she said good night. That's when I decided to start caressing her left breast through her t-shirt. I remember that she really used to like this, back when we had a physical relationship. She didn't pull away, tell me to go to sleep or any other refusal, so I kept at it for a couple of minutes. Then I decided to go for broke and reached up under her t-shirt and continued the caresses. Then, to my shock and awe, she did something that she hadn't done for months (five, this time). She took out her mouth guard. OK, this probably sounds pretty dull (she grinds her teeth), but just like Pavlov's dog, I knew immediately that she was "in the mood"! I have to admit that this past year has been incredible. This would make the third time in 12 months that we would have sexual relations! I'd actually hit the jackpot!
Next thing I know, she is out of bed and facing me - actually letting me see her - take her t-shirt off and pull her sweatpants off. I hadn't seen her naked in over a year! I couldn't believe my eyes! Then she pushed me over on my back, straddled me and pressed her right nipple at my mouth. OK, now I have no idea who this woman is anymore. This is like the woman I married 23 years ago, but better, because she is acting like she knows what she wants and is going for it. Assertive. I still have no clue how she can be this way after refusing me for so many years (like 10 years of zero to 2 times per year, and a 3 year stretch with NOTHING).
Then she says, "Come on top of me", which has always been her way of saying she's ready for me. But then, she says, "The doctor took me off of birth control two months ago". WTF, I'm thinking. This never came up once during conversation at any time ovwer the past 60 days - why now? Shows what a great rapport we have - talking about nothing that really matters and not talking about the stuff that really does matter.
Well, things were going so well, I didn't want to be a buzz-kill. She seemed to actually be enjoying herself, so I went full steam ahead. We actually talked a little bit while "in process" (which NEVER, EVER happens) and I was thinking I must be living someone else's life, 'cause it certainly isn't mine. I believe that I withdrew in the nick of time and proceeded to get ready for bed, for real this time.
Before, I used to think WTF happened, we no longer have any sexual relations at all. Now this happens, and now I'm thinking WTF just happened? This is the woman I've been dreaming about all of these lonely years. And all of a sudden, this refuser has begun acting like a NORMAL WOMAN!?!?
I don't care why. I am pissed that she didn't have the decency to tell me about her unilateral decision to stop birth control. But I can forget about that. The next day, I ask her about the night before and she said it was "Nice". She has NEVER said it was NICE before. In her vocabulary, nice is a high compliment. Usually, she says it was fine, which means that I almost finished fast enough to minimize her inconvenience.
I really don't know what happened, but I hope to God that things have changed and this is the new normal. I had heard that birth control pills can affect libido - maybe they affect hers. I hope and pray that is the answer.
And then I could resign from ILIASM!