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Stupid Gift...

Thursday I was given one of the most thoughtless and stupid gifts ever, a mug with a stuffed monkey, a box of plain m&ms and a "hello kitty" tshirt. (kids size xl). I suppose if I was 12 it would have been a perfect gift, however, I'm 51 and it was from my husband of 24 yrs. I was upset.

If we'd been on good terms, I suppose I could have laughed it off. However, we're not. As strained as our marriage has been, I would have thought he would have put more thought into a gift. I wouldn't have to be a big one... expensive. Bouquet of flowers, gift card from Barnes and Noble... etc. 

This kicker is... this morning ( the first time I saw him since Thursday ). He asked me if I liked it. I had to be honest. I was as kind as I could be... I didn't yell. I just told him, if he wasn't going to put more thought into gifts, not to bother. A card would be just fine.  He's mad. He's walking around... slamming doors. Obviously pissed. Wanna know something?? I don't care. What am I suppose to do? Say " Oh thank you so much for the 'stupid gift '? 
ExistsinHOPE ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 36 Responses Feb 16, 2013

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oh dear....if id got that grom my kids id of been made up.....but off hubby....no wonder u not happy. if id of told my hubby i didnt like it he would of reacted the same way. my hubby has out of the blue....after 22 yrs started buying me underwear!! he means well....but i hate some of the stuff he buys...and it rarely fits!!!!

he set it up to be that way, he no more wanted to enjoy v day then the moon does. he set it up so he could go off on you and make v day the opposite of what the day should of been. he knew what he was doing!

One thing about living in a sexless marriage, you don't have to give them a present, valentines or birthday.

I got a valentines day text. Nothing else. I got up at 6am and made bread pudding from scratch.

This year i got nothing, last year i got a posted note with a Happy V day wrote on it. uggg

I understand your feelings. Sounds like my ex who would go to the store and just pick up any old thing in order to fulfill his "obligation". I hate it when people do things out of obligation and not because they really care. It would make me feel humiliated instead of happy.

a woman not appreciating a hello kitty tshirt is not worth to be called such! >:(

In my twenty years married. I have never received any kind of gift for anything good or bad. I would have been happy with anything.....

AWWWWW I'M SO SORRY!!

I've been there. Im 43 we've been 26 years married its been like five years I dnt get anything. What I got this year was his lunch phonecall if his lunch was ready because he was starving. Its been a while no birthday, anniversary, Christmas. Or valentine

"MissLee: But I bet the sex was good!"
Oh ****, why didn't I think of that????
Good one like 100

I agree with you. What a dumb gift! My husband and your husband should be friends! My husband never knows what to get me. I have to tell him what to get me he doesn't know, or even try! We've been married 15 yrs. ANNOYING!

So what did you get him? ....if the answer is nothing you have no right to complain

I got him a gift card to his favorite coffee shop... nothing fancy, but something he could put to good use.

Some don't have loved ones to give them stupid gifts. I think you are very lucky.

My husband still thinks its ok to buy me beer for Valentine's day. I feel ya on the stupid gift part.

Lol. That's hilarious. It'd fine if you actually liked the stuff, I suppose.

I do like beer, but he buys beer every weekend. It would be fine every once in a while but I get it for Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine's Day and he drinks it....I do have a sense of humor and it was funny the first time but after 3 years I would like a little more personal and romantic little something.

There are some interesting comments here. Just my two cents - I do believe that its the thought that counts - yes, that your spouse or lover is thinking of you. More often than not, the gift is a reflection of how much and to what depth that thought was.

There were definitely some defensive comments in support of the tasteless gift the OP's spouse bought her. Perhaps it may be a good thing to reflect on why there is such defensiveness.

Gift giving does require suitable thought and understanding of the recipient. If one has not bothered to get to know someone in the course of their marriage or has really placed only the most superficial of effort into getting a gift out of a sense of obligation, not once or twice but just about at every celebratory event from Valentine's to Christmas, then the phrase "Its the thought that counts" is a shield and an excuse for thoughtlessness .

Given that the OP has indicated that this is a recurring behavior, IMO she has every right to feel upset and angry. The difference here is that this time she did not let her spouse get away with it and called him on his lack of consideration, for his habit of serving up s.h.i.t and expecting her to say 'Thank you so much".

honnesty is the best, you took it I'd give back on spot and true some react to it

My thought, (though I would have felt the same as you) if he got upset with your response to his gift, did you ever consider maybe, just maybe the gift he chose was to represent a feeling of wanting you to feel young again! Act young with him? Be young and cute like a young girl? It was a gift of youth, maybe he was hoping you'd see it that way and want to do something young and youthful, like teenagers?

I think it was a cute gesture.

You told him you would rather nothing over something however if he gave you nothing you would've complained just the same. He got you something, yes it wasn't the best gift ever but it wasn't the worst. Did you get him the best gift ever? I think if he gave this to you years ago you wouldve found it cute or funny...

Wait . . . . you're not married to my husband, are you?

Oh, nevermind. My husband got me his favorite CD for Valentine's Day last year.

Just know that you are not the only one-Best of luck!

Hahahahaha, oh dear, I'm laughing so much! Sorry, I know you're upset, but don't be. Yes, that gift you got was so silly! However, maybe your husband wanted to make you laugh. Why do people take St Valentine's day so seriously? Its not the most solemn day of the year. Just look at the funny side of it. Also, remember that lots of people don't know how to buy a decent gift. Haven't you ever purchased a gift for someone, thinking they'd love it, when next thing you knew it was selling on ebay? Someone ought to run a course on gift-giving or check with Emily Post. I know, lots of people, including me, have stuffed up on this activity. The main thing is, look behind the gift and reflect on the intention of the gift giver. That's what really counts.

My honest opinion, marriage being strained or not you are 51 and you shuld knw better by now. Sounds as if though you do not realize that Its not the gift that counts its the thought of it. You should be thankful he even thought of getting you anything, the way it sounds you are very high demand on money and only care about what you can get, not about the love or thought put into it, maybe just maybe he thought you would like it and think it was cute. If you are this unhappy, file for divorce. Sorry, Im young but I know when to be thankful and appreciative, I learned from my parents that its not what you get its the thought and love put into it, and dont give me he didnt think, maybe he did...You should be more thankful...my honest opinion. Hate or it not, you wrote it so Im replying to it.

Or maybe your relationship is straigned due to the fact you are so up beat and obligated to spend such amount of time with people online then your own husband whom your suppose to love and care for....and I thought I had to grow up some. =

Excuse me, but how did you become such a expert on relationship at your age? Just so you know, he's never here when I am. We work opposite shifts.

Then maybe you two should find a way to make time for each other, Its not too hard to do. and how? My age on here is not set correctly and two, I have a child, I had been in many relationships I learned from past experiences, I also have my parents and my grand parents to thank as well and so much more.

and in addition, it has nothing to do with the expense, but it does have to do with the lack of thought. I would have been thrilled with a gift card... or just a simple card.... a $10 bouquet of flowers.

The thing is you are not your husband or have his mind, how do you know it was lack of thought? He could have put plenty of thought in to it and thought maybe you'd think it was cute, you need to think before judging.

If your grandfather gave your grandmother a soccer ball as her only gift for Christmas, should your grandmother realize it's "the thought of it"?

As do you C.... spend 24 years with someone. Go through what I've been through with him. I do know his mind... I know how he thinks. I know what he does... he's done it time and time again. Just so you know... it is the THOUGHT that counts... NOT THE GIFT....

She would and yes, Its the thought that counts not what one gets. People should be thankful for what one has and not one gets, Hes there and loves her and cares and put the thought of gettingher something shows he does. People seriously...=You all amaze me.

If so, then quit complaing about the gift and appreciate the fact that he thought about you and got you something...his heart was in the right place...

Before you lose a few marriages, I suggest you talk to women about treating them properly, and caring for them, and what will take place if you give your wife a soccer ball for your last anniversary.

See, thats the thing you people now adays are all about materialism, not about the love. Its all about what one gets and the money invovled...you obviously need to grow up some yourself. Im done with this post, you all need to take some time and think about things...

misogyny disguised as preaching about love

"you people"? Define "you people."

And you sound like a jackass. I guess you are one of those pathetic at romance as well, which is fine, but don't go defense-psycho on the poor woman for bing disappointed. Valentine's Day is a time when men are supposed to show how much they value you--when they don't--it does not help a strained relationship and it will even hurt a good one.

Speaking above to Cronocipher, of course. Yes, he does sound like he's all of 25. I pity his wife or girlfriend--we can only imagine the outcome of Valentine's Day for her. But, like all of us experience will teach him the error of the thought patterns he's currently defending so ardently. True, it should be the thought that counts--problem is. it shows a "lack of thought." Women want to see that love was in the thought, not being cheap, forgetful or plain not caring.

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Let's highlight this with the most thoughtful gift ever.

A month and a week ago I was looking at a ex-demo camera bag for 300 bucks on an online auction site. I was dithering about the expense. My wife came up behind me, watched me dither, and said "I'll buy it for you for your birthday". So I clicked the buy now button and paid for it with my money, she didn't even grab the mouse and click the button. In fact, declaring that intention was the only thing she did.

It's about the most thoughtful gift I've ever received from her. It made my day, and it also made her day.

I can see you and your husband are way way past that point, so I am just wondering: why the rage at the empty coke machine? Kicking it will just make your toe hurt.

Thinking kind and calm thoughts in your general direction -P.

Personally, I blame the retailers. If they don't put the shite out on their shelves they would have to try that much harder to actually find the stuff. And what exactly is the prospect of that happening?

I was wandering around today our equivalent of what I would assume is P e n n e y s and spotted the motif underpants. You know the sort of stuff, "Superman" underpants and so on. Who actually buys that sort of shite? Even more so, who would ever wear that sort of shite? The ties, the socks, even the motif tee-shirts, or even worse advertising for N i k e or A d i d a s or whoever. Who actually wants to PAY a company to do their promotion for them?

Anyway, you know now what to get him for his next birthday, assuming you can be bothered at all.

By the way, I can't help resisting the suggestion that you should have said "A good surprise shag would have been cheaper and better", but I guess that idea must be really so stale by this point as to be rancid, if not downright putrid.

I know what you mean. A gift is supposed to make you feel that the sender knows you well. And if your own husband gives you a gift as such then yes, be honest with him and tell him you don't like it. But then again, perhaps he thought he knew you better, perhaps he thought you would like it, and perhaps he was trying to be funny. There must be a reason why he gave that to you because if he asked you whether you liked it or not, it means he has put some thought into it, don't you think? I think you should ask him...

He didn't really ask me if I liked it... he said.... " so you don't like the shirt?" OH I think he thought I might like it... but to be very honest, I don't think he cared whether or not I liked it. He fulfilled his obligation. Thus, he was certain I would be satisfied by the ridiculous t-shirt. Even my daughter questioned his judgment.

He's being the classic passive-aggressive. I know--I have one, too.

what a loser gift how can you stay married to this jerk? Really feel sorry for you.

I just hope when I marry it never goes there. But I have been in such a place with my 6 yr gf. And I'll tell you what you people need to rekindle the romance. Somehow! I don't know how but you've to. I'll tell you why i think this happens. See when all you talk of is the kids and the world and everything but yourselves, each of you feels guilty. Now your man wanted to give you something so he walks into a shop, roams about for a while, doesn't understand what would please you and gets whatever he could lay his hands on. Now obviously he wants you to like it. Why? Because he bought it just thinking about you. But since there's no romance left, he probably couldn't make it romantic enough.

And if you call his gift "stupid" you're probably not thoughtful yourself either. You should have just told him whatever he gave you is special beyond measure though it doesnt have to be expensive. (don't use "dont bother") and that it would be just so great if he did something nice for you. What did you get him for the day by the way?

Both of you need to rekindle the romance. Go to places you have spent good moments. Screw the fights. Talk more shout less. Hug more. Just you know! And then the thoughts would flow. I know this might sound cheesy and stupid, but thats what I think.

I totally understand that. And talking comes only after I guess people are not tired of fighting. And it will happen only after a few weeks of romance. I hope people get into normal relationships and try and get into them. Love is such a great thing. It sucks to see people throw it away :(

No, james, you do not understand any of this at all. Not in the least. Be quiet.

James, you ARE a bad boy. You're not supposed to go out with 6 year old girls! Watch out for lynch mobs hounding you down the streets ....

esjey25 I agree with some of your sentiment. I also think there aren't that many people anywhere in what we might call a "normal" relationship.

Be quiet? And who are you to moderate and judge the discussion as worthy? Just because he is not agreeing, it doesn't mean his opinion isn't valid. How utterly condescending. James is free to say what he wants. This board is full of female bullies who shout down and insult those who don't adhere to the party line or disagree with women who accuse men of bad behavior.

Be Quiet?! Unbelieveable.

lol :P :P haha

seriosuly i didn't invite anybody to say things like "be quiet". If people dont agree they better shut up. And it wasn;t directed at MissLee anyway. I just said whatever I felt like and it was better than ask someone to shut up.

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Ouch. Ive screwed up before with my gifts but that one was below me.

After I read your story, it made me wonder about presents.. they say, "its the thought that counts.." but question, why would someone bother to buy non sense things if they knew in the first place its going to be useless (unless donating it)? Its merely a waste of money and time. Plus, it would look like that there's no sincerity on it. Im in no sides, and Im aware that must appreciate it somehow, but I just dont get it. Sorry about this one.. You should talk to each other and next time, I think its better not to expect so you wont get disappointed or hurt so much..~~

Holidays (or a tiny misstep) tend to bring forth the dysfunction. And that is what you are dealing with - not the gift.

sorry about the gift and also about the people passing judgment on you (below). i too received an obligatory no thought (as in, reflex) gift. i thanked him.

at least i still put thought into what i got for him.

and oh yeah...i bought dinner too.