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Crap Crap And More Crap!

I posted a story this morning about how I felt about the lame valentine present I got from my spouse. I've gotten so many responses, some very positive and supportive,  some not so much. For those of you in lonely, sexless, emotionless marriages, you know.... it's NOT ABOUT THE PRESENT!  It's about the years of crap. The solo trips to parent conferences, yard work... the storm door I asked to have replaced 2 years ago. It's the morning I pranced around in a sexy red bra and panty set only to be moved aside as though I was invisible. It's the apathy when I'm sad... the indifference when I'm missing my out of state family. It's the words ... " you used to have a good body"... " you know men are visually stimulated." It's the time when I asked him to kiss me and he answered.. " I can't kiss you if I don't feel like it." It's the promise to love,honor, respect and cherish that has been broken time and time again. It's his hostility when things, or the kids have taken away his "peace"... when all he wants is everything his way. It's the way he treats our struggling daughter. It's the many times he has no concern for our house and the upkeep of it. It's the promise he made to me last June, when I asked for 3 simple things that he would touch me daily, communicate with me daily and seek out a therapist to help him learn to overcome his lack of social skills. He hasn't done ANYTHING. 
   One of the respondents to my original post, said, something to the effect " if  you aren't happy... get a divorce". Believe me that is something I've thought about more times than you can even imagine. Is it something I want? Today yes... but I would have much preferred it to be better. I would prefer there to be a "happily ever after". 
   Two weeks ago, he and I had a serious discussion, about what I want and need out of life, after another one of his self centered temper tantrums. He knows I can't go on like this... and it seems as though he really could. He has spent his life watching. Watching me raise our kids, watching me guide them through adolescence. Watching me take care of our finances, yard work, house work... and even more importantly TV. He's a watcher ... not a participant in life. He's content, or at least tolerant of this mundane existence. There's so much more to say... but I guess I just found that bag filled with useless stuff, just more CRAP. Crap Crap and more crap....
   Judge if you must. However, there's no place for judgment on a website like this. No one is perfect. No two people have the same path. Unless you've lived my life... judgment is for God and God alone. Writing here has given me a way to see my thoughts... reason through decisions and vent, which has been incredibly healing for me.
ExistsinHOPE ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 8 Responses Feb 16, 2013

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I am sorry to hear that you have received such negative replies. I too received some when I first started but just know that they do not live your life and words can be easily said and written, but ultimately that is all they are as they do not know your full story. Trying to stay and work things out in a marriage can be so much harder than it seems. I think you are a strong person for wanting to work things out despite that other voice inside if you calling out for you to leave every day of your life with him. Keep strong.

I think it is reasonable to not pass judgement on others unless you know them and their full story and even then you may well not have an appropriate understanding of the facts. Passing judgement on others is for courts of our peers when absolutely necessary or for self-preservation, as in your case. Taking sides helps no-one. The mature, experienced observers like Baz, Mvcmvc, Lulu and Enna and so many others know this only too well from not only their own all too personal experiences but from observing others' experiences. I could say, "I would like to hear his side of the story", but why would I?

The posting process here is not for that purpose, even if it is not clear whether it has any sort of specific remit at all. What does "respond with authenticity, support and respect" mean in practical terms? I am not sure I really know, and if I did I am not sure anyone else would share that interpretation.

It would be interesting if the ability to "like" posts was also matched with a facility to "dislike" posts. You can almost certainly guarantee that amongst the mayhem created that virtually every post would attract at least one "dislike" vote as well as one "like" vote. Such are we as human beings, diverse, inconsistent, contrary, unpredictable, hypocritical. Not much about that is likely to change and it is probably undesirable that it should. Conflict, arguably, is as important to human evolution and societal evolution, as any other behavioural trait.

I would suggest that you try to divest yourself of any personal investment in any perceived personal criticism made of you. Whether it is real or imagined, intentional or unintentional doesn't matter because WE do not know you. What does matter is that you know yourself. That is, arguably, why you are here. Not to understand 'him' or 'her', but to understand yourself better. To reflect on what others observe, correctly or incorrectly. To ask yourself, might that apply to me? To ask yourself, "Is that how 'he' or 'she' might perceive me? Is that appropriate? Is it resolvable?

To make too much of an investment in what others seem to say of you is to do yourself real harm. Like that eternal search, it's about trying to find an authentic equilibrium in both your life and in your own mind.

Omg. I believe my husband is your husband other twin. You forgot to mention how you have to put a smile and cover for him with the kids and still deal with him. Also when he wants sex he just takes it. No kissing. I've told mine to go look for a prostitute and that im tired of him always useing me. People always talk and judge. I agree with you 100% that they.have to be in our shoes to see if its just that easy to get a divorce or just pack and leave

It is very difficult to respect the man in the marriage when you feel like you are the man.men want all the respect and admiration but do nothing for it. I was married to somebody like that...the watcher and I felt like I was his mommy. I didn't want to have sex with my little man.needless to say we didn't stay together.

I completely get it and think we must have very similar situations. I am pondering divorce at this very moment and hope and pray not to be with him next Valentine's Day! Best of luck to you! (Have you read about narcissicists?) I do some research work for a psychologist and I stumbled upon an article which led me to another. It sounds to me as though we may both be married to narcissicists, and for anyone in the know, that means we have spent time in hell. Look it up and see what you think. It helped me to realize that he will never change and there is no cure or hope except to leave him and find happiness [that we deserve] somewhere else.) It;'s never too late to find love and happiness--or so they say!

It is awfully scary how many small minded people come to comment on our stories. Not for one minute do they allow their minds to imagine what we in ILIASM have been through. Often I think it stems from their own internal bitterness about something else that happened in their own lives and they are just kind of taking it out on us as a sort of catharsis if you will.

Ohhh honey, don't let the drive-bys (people not even from this experience) put a damper on your day! When I wrote the "how sexless people think" story, I can't even remember how many nasty emails I got from people telling me I was judging a-sexuals or whatever else came to their mind. It's ridiculous.

Anyway... WE all got it, understood, sympathize and feel your frustration. Don't let the drive-by judges ever stop you from venting. :)

It was never about the monkey.

In a functional marriage, the monkey would have been a **** funny gift, probably provoking monkey impersonations and general hilarity as the spouses climbed into bed later to **** each other silly.

But in a dysfunctional situation, the monkey was another piece of evidence to show the dysfunctionality - again.

Much of this groups input IS confrontational (not sure I agree that it is consistently "judgemental") It challenges what posters say. It asks the hard questions. This is not because we are a bunch of ******. (mostly !!!!!)

Out of the process, the member either re-confirms their originally held position about their marriage, or, revises their position on the marriage. They discover THEIR truth. And then, hopefully, they make an informed choice about what direction they are going to go. And, whatever that informed choice might be - staying or going - is perfectly legitimate.

The thing is, that if you CHOOSE, then you own it. And that changes you from "victim" to "owner", and THAT most definitely IS a life enhancing thing.

Tread your own path.

I got the feeling she wasn't talking about the regulars that are harsh because they care. More like the ones that don't know anything about a sexless relationship.

Agree completely with your post, though!

Naww... I wasn't talking about those who've lived lives similar to mine. If you've lived like this you save criticism for private conversations. Criticism publicly is simply ridicule. Anyway... He's came home from work... went straight to bed. Didn't speak. Barely looked my direction. Didn't eat. This is typical. In the last 24 yrs, I've learned not to speak honestly and openly because this is the reaction I always got. I finally decided to speak up.... be honest and direct. I'm tired of not mattering. He'll either learn to accept difference... or not. I had to start speaking up for myself.

Ooops. Think I missed the point originally.
FWIW, it appears that the idiots generally infest this group on weekends. Additionally, if your post happens to mention religion you can be pretty sure that there will be dogmatic postings attracted to it like flies to ****.
So if one wanted to give the idiots a wind up, it is best to post the story of a friday night, and include some dismissive remark about religion.