Crap Crap And More Crap!I posted a story this morning about how I felt about the lame valentine present I got from my spouse. I've gotten so many responses, some very positive and supportive, some not so much. For those of you in lonely, sexless, emotionless marriages, you know.... it's NOT ABOUT THE PRESENT! It's about the years of crap. The solo trips to parent conferences, yard work... the storm door I asked to have replaced 2 years ago. It's the morning I pranced around in a sexy red bra and panty set only to be moved aside as though I was invisible. It's the apathy when I'm sad... the indifference when I'm missing my out of state family. It's the words ... " you used to have a good body"... " you know men are visually stimulated." It's the time when I asked him to kiss me and he answered.. " I can't kiss you if I don't feel like it." It's the promise to love,honor, respect and cherish that has been broken time and time again. It's his hostility when things, or the kids have taken away his "peace"... when all he wants is everything his way. It's the way he treats our struggling daughter. It's the many times he has no concern for our house and the upkeep of it. It's the promise he made to me last June, when I asked for 3 simple things that he would touch me daily, communicate with me daily and seek out a therapist to help him learn to overcome his lack of social skills. He hasn't done ANYTHING.
One of the respondents to my original post, said, something to the effect " if you aren't happy... get a divorce". Believe me that is something I've thought about more times than you can even imagine. Is it something I want? Today yes... but I would have much preferred it to be better. I would prefer there to be a "happily ever after".
Two weeks ago, he and I had a serious discussion, about what I want and need out of life, after another one of his self centered temper tantrums. He knows I can't go on like this... and it seems as though he really could. He has spent his life watching. Watching me raise our kids, watching me guide them through adolescence. Watching me take care of our finances, yard work, house work... and even more importantly TV. He's a watcher ... not a participant in life. He's content, or at least tolerant of this mundane existence. There's so much more to say... but I guess I just found that bag filled with useless stuff, just more CRAP. Crap Crap and more crap....
Judge if you must. However, there's no place for judgment on a website like this. No one is perfect. No two people have the same path. Unless you've lived my life... judgment is for God and God alone. Writing here has given me a way to see my thoughts... reason through decisions and vent, which has been incredibly healing for me.