Valentine’S Day Sealed The Deal. There Will Be An Affair.

Thanks crowbar for the heads up. I don't think a devorse is in the picture.

and if you are a woman ?

let me think bout that

Still not asking ?

I have asked over, and over.

Hi, I know you asked and then stopped asking. Are you still in the not asking mindset ?

I'm done...........I won't ever ask again. At least I wont ask her :)

Yes.

I had an affair on Valentines. Oddly enough it was more meaningful to the guy than to me... that's when I realised how jaded my marriage, constant rejection, and lack of physical love has made me.

did you read the story ?

yes

well i hope you read it you wrote it i was asking this person ..who appears somewhat clueless..

lol, I was wondering...........stepping aside. Maybe I'll read it again.

did you see what i wrote to several others who just do not get the point/

I did................They should read it again. They don't get the point..........suffer

Guys, you both need a reading lesson in omprehension. Did you miss this sentence at the start of my post:
"Please bear in mind that your affair partner is a person in her own right."

My comment was addressed to the OP's decision to outsource. I was pointing out to him that the lady he chooses to outsource with might NOT be quite as willing to just be his "bit on the side" as he hops . . . Get it now???

Enna.........I came upon a situation last week and the first thing I thought about was.....She is a person too.

One thing to remember is that women, in general, have watched a lot more chick flicks than your average guy. These chick flicks often involve infidelity, divorce, remarriage, and some soap opera characters have been married over a dozen times. That is, women, in general, have years of watching training films about philandering husbands, including films that show various revenges. While a guy may have watched training films on Vegas, that will not prepare him for the shitstorm of a woman scorned.

At least I'd be getting some attention and screwed. More than I'm getting now. I must admit I'm glad I'm getting these suggestions. Ant chance I could borrow anyone ones house for the evening ?

Training films, damn. Speaking of film and cheating............check out Unfaithful with Richard gere and Diane Lane. Very good + Hot!

Change, huh..........No

It was all fun and games till Richard Gere pounded the lovers skull in....

I know......good movie though. I like hime as an actor. I thought a couple of the sets were hot.

So what brings you to ep ? I dont want to check that yet.........My post here would be lost.

Jake

Yes I did. This wasn't the first time but it is the last time.

Then it's not an affair. You've let her know what you are going to do. An affair is done in secret and it's the secret that hurts so much. If you make that clear in your stories that will help some people who get on their moral high horse to back down and be more supportive. Your marriage is becoming semi-open. That's different than an affair.

If you have done your due diligence with respect to proper notification to your wife of your intentions and there was no objections and notifying her did, in fact, allow her the following rebuttal choices 1) to get engaged and work with you towards getting the marriage or 2) to accept that you are going to take this particular path or 3) separate or divorce, then what you are embarking on would not be seen as an affair. You wife appears to be complicit in the deal thus far so you are working towards open (or Don't Ask/Don't Tell). I would caution you however, that "outsourcing" comes with a host of complications (even in an arrangement whereas the spouse is aware of said outsourcing and has no objections to the situation) that the range and depth of said complications need to be plumbed and assessed carefully. You need an exit plan too. You need to be informed on the potential downsides, in particular the legal side - which could come back to bite you with respect to "outsourcing" behavior.

I would also note, if she feels your outsourcing is a "dis" or a sadistic tactic, don't be surprised if she reponds in kind, and if she does NOT tell you. You'd be wise to have a frank conversation about your expectations from BOTH sides in this arrangement. Don't make it up as you go along. There are a lot of logistical elements that can take on a great deal of significance.

I am of the mind to generally lay out options and ask how involved and informed they want to be. For me, don't ask don't tell was impractical though. I consider outsourcing a compromise from the get go, and the additional deceit, a recipe for disaster, as well as being further extra work for me.

Thank you Miss Change. Feeling better already.

Apocrypha makes a good point. Actionjack: I am going to have to assume that as of right now, the rules for sexual fidelity have been dropped for BOTH OF YOU and your are now both free to pursue others. And that the rules of sexual fidelity do not apply to her either. How are you going to feel if she takes on a lover too?

The "rules" need to be hammered out too. So in essence, opening up the marriage in this fashion takes a lot of negotiation. Once agreed upon, some folks do not want to know anything (as in my situation my spouse does not want to know, and before I go on travel to see my lover I only tell him about 12 hours before I depart the house, I tell him where I am going, how long I will be gone (a week, two, maybe more) and what I will see and do, but I do not discuss that I am meeting someone). I practice discretion but NOT secrecy. You and you spouse will have to hammer out the logistics of this and it can be quite complex for those who are, how shall I say - more than curious about what their spouse is up to. Other spouses don't have such curiosity and are happy as long as their comfort level is not impacted. You need to know precisely what you are dealing with here and take the personality of your spouse into consideration here too as you move forward - in wahtever direction that is eventually going to be.

The key word here is agreed. Well one might said this is not an affair since it is not done in secret, from my reading of this it doesn't seem to be agreed to either, but rather imposed on her.

I would not argue with that something2talkabout. There are consequences to be born by both in the dynamic. Moving the deadlock off top dead center is what is needed though. This might not be an appropriate solution for him, but the proposal might get them talking about the deadlock.

This is not an affair. Bad choice of words by me.

Maybe I should have an affirmation drawn up. I don’t plan on letting her know any of the who, what and where’s. I will run it by my lawyer and accountant. The part that has the most concern is falling in love with the person I meet. I’ll deal with that as I or if I meet someone.
I’m not sure I get the agreed part. As far as I’m concerned she gave me her blessing. I have already done my best. Should she meet a guy…..well, I’m sure it would hurt. I’m also sure it wouldn’t kill me. I’m not telling her anything about this. I do go away a few times each year for conferences and conventions. She knows where I am and for how long. Been doing this for years. From spring thru fall I go to my house at the Jersey shore as much as I can. She is usually with me during the weekend. I plan on staying an additional night. That will be Sunday night returning home Monday evening.

I have spent countless years in many dalliances made necessary by a marriage scenario like yours. Fortunately a heavy business travel schedule during those years made these moments of blissful escape discreet and without any problems.
I do not advocate this for all and these dalliances were only with marrieds suffering the same circumsatnces. It was done with both parties involved knowing full well that there was to be no conclusion to the moment and that divorce and remarriage would never be part of the equation.
On only one or two occasions were the dynamics pressed upon for change and these were abated quickly, fairly but firmly.

I still have maintained contact with many of these women . Some have remarried several times and others have remained in their environments probably still continuing on these momentary soujourns with others

It is not a perfect life but it was always far better then the circumstance at home.
I wish well for you are a kindred spirit

Thanks for the heads up.

Take my hand and guide me :)

Hmmmmm, a team. Maybe there are twins out there with the same issues. I better get a hair cut and new undies :)

Amen. I'm in Las Vegas mid March. I have a feeling that will be my coming out party.

In Vegas, if your credit cards stop working and there is no money left in your join bank account, what will your plan be?

ask to use your account.

My ex made up my mind for me when he made his choices. It made my choice that much more clear. That doesn't mean I didn't own my choices. It meant I suddenly made him own his in my mind and that allowed me to own mine.

Thanks for the tip. Couldn’t I just use the bartender ?