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Valentine’S Day Sealed The Deal. There Will Be An Affair.

Summary version…….Early evening just before dinner I mentioned to my wife that we have sex tonight. I presented myself very well, hug a lil kiss on the tip of her nose, and so on. Her response was ‘no’. Being use to be denied, I expected a no. What I didn’t expect was the tone that came with it. That no made my blood boil. Just nasty. To myself I’m thinking, no problem sweetness, you’ll never here that suggestion again and walked away. It was a pleasant dinner with my Granddaughter, wife and myself. My granddaughter was asking questions about flowers and candy as they apply to Valentines Day. While explaining about love, respect and gifts, I looked over at my wife and said, Oh, BTW…….I need to speak to you a little later about something. Whenever there was a family or household issue I always liked to do it in private without distractions from any children. I know she knew what was coming. Two times before we did get to speak asked …now? And an hour later ‘want to talk now;….nope. I threw in that I’m afraid of the way it may go. I don’t want an argument.

This delay was intentional. I waited until she was taking her evening shower.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she came out from the shower. I asked her to sit beside me. I was very definitively about the future of our sex life. Adding to that I told her about the way she said no. Touched on marriage wants and needs. Not just sex. The outcome of this conversation was no different from other conversations. No sex for me. She did mention that its not me…….she knows it’s her. Now I give up…..I thought I had made up my mind to look for sex and intimacy outside of marriage. I just wanted to give it one final attempt. She made up my mind for me………………I’m done trying. At least with her.
actionjake actionjake 56-60, M 14 Responses Feb 17, 2013

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Oh...I know how painful this can be. So sorry and always wishing you love and intimacy.

There you go....frustrating!!! What are you supposed to do with an emotional shut down like that. You're married, trying to follow the rules, to do the right thing, but now the rules have changed and you are forced to suffer alone. Even hardened criminals get conjugal visits to get their needs met. God forbid they suffer in there like you do in your own bedroom. I understand this post completely. I am very sorry for your situation.

Its called friends with benefits. Lots of women out there in the same boat as you and lots of women have hubbies who like to share them :) life's short and sex is one of life's best pleasures.

Action Jake...An affair or whatever ya'call it is one thing, But a divorce is Nasty. If you go that route, be ready for a bumpy ride. I've been divorced 2 months now, and am a long way from finished with lawyers, court , judges....

Remember .. who gets the house, are kids involved?? Do you have a pension? Does she?? You have stocks, an IRA??

Who files first is important. Is your lawyer friendly with the Judge?
When my wife filed first, she cleaned me out (Pretty much..)
Being in a sexless marriage is only the start.
Tread carefully ...The ice is very thin!!

Thanks crowbar for the heads up. I don't think a devorse is in the picture.

If im a man, I ill think the way you do.

and if you are a woman ?

let me think bout that

I understand where you are. I have been very tempted to do the same. My situation is different as my husband cannot get it up unless he remembers to take his pill, and not drink. If I ask for sex, he will agree, but then do nothing to allow it to occur as planned. I am so tired of asking, that I have stopped. I know that he still loves me, but he is not a very physical person. I know that there are other ways to pleasure a woman, but he does not do that either, even though I have done everything I can think of to communicate it to him. Sure wish there were an answer.

Still not asking ?

I have asked over, and over.

Hi, I know you asked and then stopped asking. Are you still in the not asking mindset ?

I'm done...........I won't ever ask again. At least I wont ask her :)

Yes.

I had an affair on Valentines. Oddly enough it was more meaningful to the guy than to me... that's when I realised how jaded my marriage, constant rejection, and lack of physical love has made me.

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I don't understand this way to do; does she believe sex is only to create children?

Please bear in mind that your affair partner is a person in her own right. Before you think "Duh! That is obvious!", let me explain.

HER feelings thoughts etc need to be taken into account too. What if SHE falls in love with you? What if she wants you to leave your wife for her? What if she becomes aggressive or punitive if you insist this will never happen??

Please consider very carefully "how" you establish such a relationship and be sure to lay ground rules for it. But even with ground rules, these things can still happen . . . it is virtually impossible to mandate emotions.

did you read the story ?

yes

well i hope you read it you wrote it i was asking this person ..who appears somewhat clueless..

lol, I was wondering...........stepping aside. Maybe I'll read it again.

did you see what i wrote to several others who just do not get the point/

I did................They should read it again. They don't get the point..........suffer

Guys, you both need a reading lesson in omprehension. Did you miss this sentence at the start of my post:
"Please bear in mind that your affair partner is a person in her own right."

My comment was addressed to the OP's decision to outsource. I was pointing out to him that the lady he chooses to outsource with might NOT be quite as willing to just be his "bit on the side" as he hops . . . Get it now???

Enna.........I came upon a situation last week and the first thing I thought about was.....She is a person too.

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You would be crazy not to check out how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction.
The most likely scenario being her withdrawing her 'agreement' and giving YOU the arse at a time of her convenience.
Secondary risk is YOU finding 'the soulmate' in your adventures thus necessitating giving your missus the arse so you can be with said soulmate.
It would be a great idea to read the story "Outsourcing Your Needs" too.

Tread your own path.

One thing to remember is that women, in general, have watched a lot more chick flicks than your average guy. These chick flicks often involve infidelity, divorce, remarriage, and some soap opera characters have been married over a dozen times. That is, women, in general, have years of watching training films about philandering husbands, including films that show various revenges. While a guy may have watched training films on Vegas, that will not prepare him for the shitstorm of a woman scorned.

At least I'd be getting some attention and screwed. More than I'm getting now. I must admit I'm glad I'm getting these suggestions. Ant chance I could borrow anyone ones house for the evening ?

Training films, damn. Speaking of film and cheating............check out Unfaithful with Richard gere and Diane Lane. Very good + Hot!

Change, huh..........No

It was all fun and games till Richard Gere pounded the lovers skull in....

I know......good movie though. I like hime as an actor. I thought a couple of the sets were hot.

So what brings you to ep ? I dont want to check that yet.........My post here would be lost.

Jake

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Did you lay it on the line that you'll be seeing other people?

Yes I did. This wasn't the first time but it is the last time.

Then it's not an affair. You've let her know what you are going to do. An affair is done in secret and it's the secret that hurts so much. If you make that clear in your stories that will help some people who get on their moral high horse to back down and be more supportive. Your marriage is becoming semi-open. That's different than an affair.

If you have done your due diligence with respect to proper notification to your wife of your intentions and there was no objections and notifying her did, in fact, allow her the following rebuttal choices 1) to get engaged and work with you towards getting the marriage or 2) to accept that you are going to take this particular path or 3) separate or divorce, then what you are embarking on would not be seen as an affair. You wife appears to be complicit in the deal thus far so you are working towards open (or Don't Ask/Don't Tell). I would caution you however, that "outsourcing" comes with a host of complications (even in an arrangement whereas the spouse is aware of said outsourcing and has no objections to the situation) that the range and depth of said complications need to be plumbed and assessed carefully. You need an exit plan too. You need to be informed on the potential downsides, in particular the legal side - which could come back to bite you with respect to "outsourcing" behavior.

I would also note, if she feels your outsourcing is a "dis" or a sadistic tactic, don't be surprised if she reponds in kind, and if she does NOT tell you. You'd be wise to have a frank conversation about your expectations from BOTH sides in this arrangement. Don't make it up as you go along. There are a lot of logistical elements that can take on a great deal of significance.

I am of the mind to generally lay out options and ask how involved and informed they want to be. For me, don't ask don't tell was impractical though. I consider outsourcing a compromise from the get go, and the additional deceit, a recipe for disaster, as well as being further extra work for me.

Thank you Miss Change. Feeling better already.

Apocrypha makes a good point. Actionjack: I am going to have to assume that as of right now, the rules for sexual fidelity have been dropped for BOTH OF YOU and your are now both free to pursue others. And that the rules of sexual fidelity do not apply to her either. How are you going to feel if she takes on a lover too?

The "rules" need to be hammered out too. So in essence, opening up the marriage in this fashion takes a lot of negotiation. Once agreed upon, some folks do not want to know anything (as in my situation my spouse does not want to know, and before I go on travel to see my lover I only tell him about 12 hours before I depart the house, I tell him where I am going, how long I will be gone (a week, two, maybe more) and what I will see and do, but I do not discuss that I am meeting someone). I practice discretion but NOT secrecy. You and you spouse will have to hammer out the logistics of this and it can be quite complex for those who are, how shall I say - more than curious about what their spouse is up to. Other spouses don't have such curiosity and are happy as long as their comfort level is not impacted. You need to know precisely what you are dealing with here and take the personality of your spouse into consideration here too as you move forward - in wahtever direction that is eventually going to be.

The key word here is agreed. Well one might said this is not an affair since it is not done in secret, from my reading of this it doesn't seem to be agreed to either, but rather imposed on her.

I would not argue with that something2talkabout. There are consequences to be born by both in the dynamic. Moving the deadlock off top dead center is what is needed though. This might not be an appropriate solution for him, but the proposal might get them talking about the deadlock.

This is not an affair. Bad choice of words by me.

Maybe I should have an affirmation drawn up. I don’t plan on letting her know any of the who, what and where’s. I will run it by my lawyer and accountant. The part that has the most concern is falling in love with the person I meet. I’ll deal with that as I or if I meet someone.
I’m not sure I get the agreed part. As far as I’m concerned she gave me her blessing. I have already done my best. Should she meet a guy…..well, I’m sure it would hurt. I’m also sure it wouldn’t kill me. I’m not telling her anything about this. I do go away a few times each year for conferences and conventions. She knows where I am and for how long. Been doing this for years. From spring thru fall I go to my house at the Jersey shore as much as I can. She is usually with me during the weekend. I plan on staying an additional night. That will be Sunday night returning home Monday evening.

I have spent countless years in many dalliances made necessary by a marriage scenario like yours. Fortunately a heavy business travel schedule during those years made these moments of blissful escape discreet and without any problems.
I do not advocate this for all and these dalliances were only with marrieds suffering the same circumsatnces. It was done with both parties involved knowing full well that there was to be no conclusion to the moment and that divorce and remarriage would never be part of the equation.
On only one or two occasions were the dynamics pressed upon for change and these were abated quickly, fairly but firmly.

I still have maintained contact with many of these women . Some have remarried several times and others have remained in their environments probably still continuing on these momentary soujourns with others

It is not a perfect life but it was always far better then the circumstance at home.
I wish well for you are a kindred spirit

Thanks for the heads up.

Take my hand and guide me :)

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I completely get the impulse to have an affair, especially given the circumstances. I believe there comes a point when we feel we have nothing to lose anymore - where you feel free to tell the absolute truth, to do whatever makes you happy, etc. I believe this is a very good place to be - as Bazz would say, it is the end of the "we" thinking, and the beginning of the "me" thinking. I know this place from the end my first marriage - and I'm getting there now in marriage #2.

I think the advice most folks who respond here are going to give you is to use that impulse not to have an affair, but rather to take care of yourself in the bigger picture - by getting out of the unhealthy relationship. Much better in the long term - for both you and your wife - and you'll have taken the high road and kept your nose clean, so to speak.

Believe me...I've come to the "outsourcing" crossroads many times - flirted with danger, etc. But now...when I think about it...I think of new relationships as eventually being part of my new life, as opposed to some sordid end-game chapter in my unhealthy marriage.

Just my 2¢ - best of luck to you brother...

Hmmmmm, a team. Maybe there are twins out there with the same issues. I better get a hair cut and new undies :)

Nobody understands this as well as we folks in the ILIASM group. Frankly, I think as long as she says it is not going to change, and you tell her that you might need to outsource, then I say, "Go at it, have fun." She was warned.

Amen. I'm in Las Vegas mid March. I have a feeling that will be my coming out party.

In Vegas, if your credit cards stop working and there is no money left in your join bank account, what will your plan be?

ask to use your account.

How was Vegas? Lived there. Worked on the ******* ...2005 -2008

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"She made up my mind for me"

You need to own your choices

My ex made up my mind for me when he made his choices. It made my choice that much more clear. That doesn't mean I didn't own my choices. It meant I suddenly made him own his in my mind and that allowed me to own mine.

Well I understand but of course you too need to understand that anytime you decide to take such actions what you are really doing is sending a message about the situation that says unmistakably that you have reached the point where you are willing to risk the marriage rather than continue the way things are now.



As such you need to have your ducks in a row and know exactly where things might stand should the marriage disolve. Talking with a skilled divorce attorney to minimize risks might be a wise course of action just in case

Thanks for the tip. Couldn’t I just use the bartender ?