Post

Roomates

I am a 52 year old male. I have been married for 26 years and our children are now grown so we have an empty nest. It has been 3 years since we have had sex. Before i always initiated and at the last felt i was begging. Well, i decided i would never ask again...and we have not had sex since. By the way, she moved out of the bedroom years ago because she said she could not sleep with my snoring.
teeshott teeshott 51-55, M 10 Responses Feb 17, 2013

Your Response

Cancel

So is the point of counseling to get us to accept our situation and learn how to live in a sexless marriage, or to understand why it has happened and attempt to address the underlying cause? Can anyone else describe the flow of these sessions? What to expect, how long they last, that is how many visits?

Are you at "everything is great bar the sex" ??

Or further along ??

A read of the story "We, or Me" would do you no harm.

Tread your own path.

Well. I know of couples who sleep in different beds as they get older because of aches and pains, arthritis, rheumatism, snoring, problematic sleep patterns and so on. No matter what, they still seem to manage to get together every so often for 'sex maintenance' as I will call it. So, that in itself need not be a barrier, just a practical accommodation.

In your brief post you day nothing else about why you think you have arrived at the point where you have, what the many complex events that have occurred to bring it all about. Maybe it is entirely mysterious and unfathomable/ That is entirely possible but I guess at this stage it is all rather academic, all grist to the mill.

Do you know why she has withdrawn? What are her needs? Would one small romantic gesture or compliment per day amount to anything after some period of time?

My wife shared with me that while she loved me deeply she had no desire for physical intimacy with me. She said her hysterectomy years ago robbed her of her desire and she was tired of obliging me. I suggested to her that so I could feel connected to her I give her a back rub instead of sex. She said she liked that idea but worried that it would not fulfill me. I told her I would ********** if needed and she said we should try that. That night, which was our usual night to be intimate she fell asleep before I could give her the back rub. Oh well, one week at a time!

so sorry to hear that! Did you get therapy, was it helpful. Wondering about trying that path.

greenmountain, does she give you a back rub, or anything?

Wait...need therapy because you still want sex????? No, no, no, no...no amount of therapy will help you with that, because...

...there is nothing wrong with wanting sex!!!!!! It is normal!!!!!

But NOT wanting sex might also be normal for some people - the question is...can your normal live with their normal. Sounds like maybe you're struggling with that.

My wife wants me t go to counseling with her to see if we can find out why she has lost interest in sex.

Well not yet, she just laid down the law 2 days ago andwe usually reserve one night a week to be intimate and we shall see next Friday night :)). I sure hope so!

On the plus you have "She worried", caring is good, "usual night to be intimate", not years of neglect, "wants me to go to counseling with her", working things out as a couple, " so I could feel connected to her I give her a back rub", trying to find solutions that work for the two of you.

For teeshot I think he has a lot to digest on the group, and perhaps we will hear back later on the level of communication and other interaction between the two of them.

Ray, I get it - I just disagree with her!

She may believe very strongly in her perspective, and be very happy with her sexless life. However, if you feel differently - and it sounds like you do - then the two of you have a problem. And no amount of therapy is going to solve it, because it can't be solved. In relationship talk, it is called a dealbreaker. So you have 3 choices: 1. stay and live with it, 2. stay and find sexual satisfaction somewhere else, 3. leave.

I'm in the same situation as you are (except my wife is still entertaining the notion that she might be able to change - we'll see) - so I understand the depth of complexity involved in these choices!

4 More Responses

Well, you are in the right place. I am sorry to hear your story, but you will find lots of support here. I am 52 y/o female and my husband has neglected me emotionally and rejected me sexually practically all of my marriage (25 yrs). From this site, I discovered he is passive aggressive and I am go-dependant. I have read over ten books in these issues over last two months, have started al-anon meetings for my Adult child of an alcoholic issues (that I didn't even know I had until recently) and I am getting stronger by the day. I am starting with a psychologist this week to really nut it all out, and I hope to soon have the strength to stand up and claim my happiness. I know I will never get it where I am now. Read widely on this site, and you will learn a lot. Good luck to you, I'm sure we'll see more of each other here.

It's going to be a loooong life with no sex. Best you do something about it because it isn't going to change.

Are you fine with the lack of sexual interaction?

And if not, what might you think you are going to do with the remaining potential 4 decades of life remaining?

No, i am not ok with it......and i have no clue

Keep reading on here you might find something of value in others' experiences with this very same issue.

Hey teeshott - welcome to EP - you've definitely come to the right place. Some of the longer-term members will probably jump in soon (I'm still pretty new here) - but I can tell you that I've learned a lot by posting, reading and interacting with other members on this site. However you choose to deal with this issue for yourself, you will get a lot of no-holds-barred advice from very well-meaning people here - try to take it to heart - it's all about digging deep, soul-searching, and committing to being honest and wanting the best for yourself. Good luck...keep reading and posting...

Is everything else okay?