I Told Him To Start The Divorce Process

This type of behaviour rings a bell. My ex took off on one of her "finding herself" excursions for two weeks to Australia a few years ago. During that time, the stock of the multinational corp that I was working for at the time tanked from $15/share to $5/share, and everyone knew that it was a momentary blip. I was going to take out the maximum on the line of credit and load up on shares, but it was a joint line and I needed her signature to do it. I sent her e-mails, left voicemails at her office, voicemails at her Aussie counterpart's office, got contact information from her mother for relatives, and tried everything I could to get in touch with her. No such luck. By the time she got back, the stock had returned to its previous level and the opportunity for the quick score was gone. I got a little pissed over this and asked her why I couldn't reach her in any way, shape or form and got a typical response:

"You caught me at a bad time."

I guess I should have expected this from someone that comes from a family where her brother went down with her for a weekend. Yeah, a weekend in Australia. Fly out on Friday and back on Monday.

I think my definition of open marriage = wife swapping. I was thinking about that once, but the best offer that I got was for a two slice toaster. I turned it down because I didn't think the other guy was getting a fair deal.

The slots were probably oversize too.

Lmao!

His behavior isn't strange at all. It's meant to control you.

Withholding sex is all about control. Not wanting to divorce - control. Not wanting an open marriage - control. Not wanting you to work - control.

Pretty stunning your therapist hasn't picked up on his personality disorder(s).

His therapists finally did..yesterday..after I showed him videos of our home life. My husband is a master of deception.

He's playing mind games. Doesn't want what he has, but wants what he can't have. Frankly, he sounds like a very weak and needy man that needs a mommy.

You got it Ray! I think the Mayo refers to him as a Narcissist. And he needs to feel as if he's escaped "mommy" when he goes on his hunt for prey (lovers)...

Thank you for sticking by my side...for now I can see/understand why and how he "abuses" me...I've made it easy. But he did admit to lovers.., though I'm sure he'll say later on that I forced him to say that.

Just expect him to never take any responsibility for his behaviour and always take the "the Devil made me do it approach".

I thought it was going to be different because of all the contrasts between myself and his first wife. He had me convinced that she was at fault for the demise of their marriage. Much like I was willing to believe that I had destroyed our marriage. The difference between her and me was that she passively accepted (or maybe respectfully) his abusive actions. I confronted him repeatedly; It's hard for me to let a thought go. But whereas she planned and suffered silently I've been outspoken. So as his mistress he loved that I was "attentive and cared about him"; But as his wife these traits were not well-received.
The disparity between them was obvious; just like it now is between us. He builds the differences; he thrives on the contrast. When we first got together our similarities were far greater. Over the years he has created various reasons as to why our interests are no longer the same. He now needs to be justified in saying that he cannot talk to me; so he shares nothing about work or his co-workers.

But when I was his mistress he was the most romantic misunderstood fun-loving guy who was so attentive that he'd spend 3 hours talking on the phone every night for 2 months after we first met...he was supposedly at work (is what he had told his wife). And he'd meet me every Friday at lunch to go have some fun...ah well. Karma.

Lonely, I know I will but I just feel so tired. And I know if I focus on it then my kids life will suffer for I will need to then "win". He may even be hoping for that. As I told him..,he and his lovers have my blessing.

Oh my...mm now I'm going to cry...I really thank you for those sympathetic words...I try to be so strong..it's so hard.

Best advice I ever had when my 1st marriage ended...

"During a time like this, it is crazy to think you can just go on with your life as if nothing unusual is happening. So...don't act crazy!"

I'm now very skilled at going on with my life... I just make my life smaller...

He ended up walking away for his first wife without a fight...as long as he's hooked by another woman he'll go...

Our state is 50/50.... And at this point I'm not too concerned... We don't have enough assets to really sustain a prolonged fight..

And at this point I just want him out of my life..I too am highly accomplished though out of workforce for past decade... I'm not too worried about my future.

I'll probably soar without him...cuz I was when he met me....he's dragged me down. And I won't fight because I want my kids to remember that it's not worth fighting a bully.

He cannot institutionalize me for whatever reason he might try to concoct. And I've never been violent in my life. He was arrested for domestic abuse back when we just had 2 babies. Sadly I believed he'd change. Typical.

His lover can have him. At least I know I can love passionately and loyally!

Thank you so much for those kind and considerate words. I do feel like its nightmare.

I disagree with your point about not fighting because of the lesson you wish to teach your kids. Sometimes the better lesson is to fight back to protect yourself and others. When I was a kid, my I bullied daily because my mother kept beating the same philosophy into my head. I lost days of school because I was too scared to go. It all stopped when I finally snapped, had had enough, and beat the crap out of the primary bully. It stopped right after. Didn't feel good at the time, but it sure did afterwards, especially when I was skipped a grade after losing more than half of a school year.

I have seen lawyers. The best in the state has been in communication with me over the years...they have a file!! But they are very expensive. And as it is 50/50 I don't see much loss unless I hire a lawyer and then engage in a prolonged battle.

I am suggesting only that you consult a lawyer to find out how it would shake out. If you find that information out, and you still choose to "let him handle it" then that is an INFORMED choice. As it is, you are making an UNINFORMED choice.

Thnxs Bazzar...I think I'm in camp of informed. I'm fairly familiar Family Law. Spousal support is not something I will focus on as the length of our marriage is not at the 20 year permanent support mark.

I refuse to let financial fear keep me in this prison for more time than necessary. I've already wasted the prime of my life.

Thank you. I'm so hurt that I really don't care about anything we possess together. I really just care about my kids and their future. Clearly he cannot provide a great one. It's just painful to feel alone.

Try to separate your emotions from your logic. Walking away is just another example of letting him intimidate you into getting what he wants at your expense. Don't just give him carte blanche by abandoning things; think of it as your pain premium. Three years later, I'm still angry over the fact that my ex and her family basically treated the house as their private garage sale and cleaned everything out like a bunch of Haitain looters after a hurricane in my absence. You may think that now, but will likely rethink it later as emotions escalate during the process and the anger builds.

Ray, you are clearly still bitter about your divorce settlement. I'm sorry it worked out that way for you. I guess I saw my mom lose it all because she was so intent on holding on to the unfairness of her situation. My situation is not fair and no amount of anger/rage will change it. At this point I can only hold on to my dignity. I gave my marriage all that I could. The humiliation and embarrassment suffered in the last weeks is enough to make me so depressed that I stayed in bed all day. I cannot allow myself to continue on this path. Now I think I need to focus on making myself a better person. The marriage is over. The horse is dead. He can now beat it. I've been beating it for too long. Possessions mean nothing compared to regaining sanity. Thanks for the kind words. I do feel lost so its nice to have someone remind me that yes, I do need to plan a future for myself.

Actually, that's the weird thing. I'm not bitter about the divorce settlement because she outsmarted herself and wound up cutting me a mid-six figure cheque, so financially I came out the winner by getting that, the mortgage free house, and continuation of medical coverage under her benefit plan. She's now stuck with a sizable mortgage on the townhouse that she bought "because she liked it" and carrying costs on the cottage that I agreed to let her have because I knew it would shortly evolve into a money pit with respect to repairs. Karma is as karma does.

The only thing that I do truly miss in terms of tangible goods are some items that were of sentimental value from the better days gone by and all the pictures and videos of the kids. Every single one was taken. If I didn't have their pictures on my then-desk at work, I wouldn't have a single memory of their childhood. That's the deliberate cruelty that I can't forgive.

She staged the whole thing behind my back and lied to me face to face about why she was engaging in some very strange behaviour. This is coming from a woman whose mantra during our entire marriage was "I can't stand liars". Particularly painful is that I spent a lot of time and money helping her family out and they felt no remorse about doing what they did. I guess it could translate into bitterness, but I think at the end of the day I feel pity for them for their cowardace and insensitivity. Anger? Yeah, I did use that word. I am moving on, but now I'm in the role of being primary caregiver to my aging mother who refuses to believe that she doesn't have the capacity that she used to have and has this nasty habit of rolling down stairs. I guess I post these things as a caution to others and maybe have lost perspective that there's life out there, once I find it.

Don't give into the depression. Look forward; if there's an opportunity for you to do some community service or charity work, seriously think about it as one way of regaining your self-confidence.

Stay strong and remember that you're the victim in all of this.