Concrete StepsLife has been a bit up and down since my birthday post last month. The "big job" I was up for, and very nearly got if phone calls from the CEO were any gauge, did not come through. This is the job that would have been my ticket out; I need to be able to support myself, for both practical and emotinal reasons, before I move.
So I grieved this loss, with loud wailing and gnashing of teeth, and then took a shower and went back to work on Monday. I was pinning some of my optimistic outlook on a daring adventure planned for next week.... a concert date in Boston, alone. This is a much bigger deal than it sounds because I am very uncomfortable in crowds; I avoid them when I can, disassociate when I can't. To voluntarily join a crowd is -- oh, if you're afraid of heights, imagine going rock climbing. I was terrified but thrilled at my nerve -- starting to make plans for travel -- and then, DAMN it, the performer was injured and the concert series cancelled. All my visions gone to ****. I was going to come back different, don't you see -- all my fears gone, burned away by overwhelming love, and my hair shaved into some wild-n-funky do! I was going to use the concert as a mile-post, and start the next phase of my journey with the energy I gained there. And now, now what?
The condo I want is still for sale. No job, no transformative concert, I still went to see it on Friday. It's perfect. The absolute correct place for my daughter to be, and for one of her parents..... honestly I don't care whom! That's going to be my gambit: "Do you want to flip a coin?" This weekend H made some sidelong references to "us moving" somewhere..... I looked blank and bland. No doubt he thinks he's shining me along, giving me hope.
But I'm in the market for facts now, not hints. In the coming weeks I'll talk to the bank, the 401k broker, the home inspector, the lawyer. I think I've got a fair deal in mind, but it's going to take professionals to confirm it and make it stick. Wish me luck, all of y'all..... I've wanted this place so much and now I've actually SEEN it, and it's exactly what I imagined. My new life, a mile and a half up the road.
DeborahManning 46-50, F 14 Responses 7 Feb 17, 2013