Concrete Steps

Life has been a bit up and down since my birthday post last month. The "big job" I was up for, and very nearly got if phone calls from the CEO were any gauge, did not come through. This is the job that would have been my ticket out; I need to be able to support myself, for both practical and emotinal reasons, before I move.

So I grieved this loss, with loud wailing and gnashing of teeth, and then took a shower and went back to work on Monday. I was pinning some of my optimistic outlook on a daring adventure planned for next week.... a concert date in Boston, alone. This is a much bigger deal than it sounds because I am very uncomfortable in crowds; I avoid them when I can, disassociate when I can't. To voluntarily join a crowd is -- oh, if you're afraid of heights, imagine going rock climbing. I was terrified but thrilled at my nerve -- starting to make plans for travel -- and then, DAMN it, the performer was injured and the concert series cancelled. All my visions gone to ****. I was going to come back different, don't you see -- all my fears gone, burned away by overwhelming love, and my hair shaved into some wild-n-funky do! I was going to use the concert as a mile-post, and start the next phase of my journey with the energy I gained there. And now, now what?

The condo I want is still for sale. No job, no transformative concert, I still went to see it on Friday. It's perfect. The absolute correct place for my daughter to be, and for one of her parents..... honestly I don't care whom! That's going to be my gambit: "Do you want to flip a coin?" This weekend H made some sidelong references to "us moving" somewhere..... I looked blank and bland.  No doubt he thinks he's shining me along, giving me hope. 

 But I'm in the market for facts now, not hints.  In the coming weeks I'll talk to the bank, the 401k broker, the home inspector, the lawyer.  I think I've got a fair deal in mind, but it's going to take professionals to confirm it and make it stick.  Wish me luck, all of y'all..... I've wanted this place so much and now I've actually SEEN it, and it's exactly what I imagined.  My new life, a mile and a half up the road. 
DeborahManning DeborahManning
51-55, F
9 Responses Feb 17, 2013

love to become friends

Whichever direction this takes you, just keep it moving forward. Stay strong.

Your freedom rises like the sun on the horizon - go to it!!

I wish you nothing but the best. Sometimes the puzzle pieces don't fit exactly as we visualize them. But they fit perfectly, none the less. We just can't force them. All will be well for you and your daughter. BTW - Is he really that clueless about your heart?

I don't know what degree of clue he has; I play my cards pretty close these days. He didn't know I was planning to go to the concert, for instance, and so I was able to keep my disappointment private. All those years he withheld info on his emotions, what he was thinking -- now the student has become the master! Thank you for your good wishes.

You making any trips to Corning in the near future?

Hi DM:

Whatever you did to position yourself for that new job was right on target, even if the result was not what you wanted. Keep your chin are on track!

I can relate to how you feel about the new condo. I surf the Internet for houses in my area and imagine my new life, but I'm not quite ready to actually do a walk through. Hopefully soon.

That new job sounds like your ticket. Keep a positive attitude as best you will happen. It's just a matter of time.

You'll get it done. The more you exercise those decision/choice muscles, the more paths to your goal will develop. The visits you have planned to line up the legal ducks will give you plenty of opportunity to flex and stretch.

You get it woman!

I don't want to rain on your parade because positivity is such a valuable resource to use all. But ONE job interview, ONE concert and ONE particular condo. For goodness sake don't set yourself impossible objectives for fear that you might become dejected and fear failure. I know that it isn't really like that, that you have all sorts of get-up-and-go, vim-and-vigour but on the other hand you don't want to do your own head in.

Focus sure, but don't hang all your hopes on just the next opportunity.

Good luck!

Agreed. ASometimes in our search for "the" answer, we place a lot of emphasis on certain results or conclusions being essential to our happiness. But this is not the case - it just seems like the case at the time.

Example: A couple of years ago my daughter was house hunting. She found a place she loved at a price she could afford, but was gazumped at the last post. She was seriously disappointed because she had set her heart on this place.

The next year she was pregnant and now her baby is nine months old. She said to me the other day "Thank goodness I didn't buy that apartment! I could never have coped dragging a baby and all her needs up and down three flights of stairs!!"

The moral of this story is "Don't have a baby!" No! No! It is really this:
if ou set your heart on something and you don't get it, it is not worth grieving over badly, Tell yourself "another bus will come along soon" - or in this case, apartment.

If you allow yourself o become fatalistic over your prospects ("I am never going to find / get / have what I need") then your thinking will negatively affect your outcomes. Hard to believe, but true. {{{hugs}}}

Seeing "the bank, the 401k broker, the home inspector, the lawyer" are all things that are under your control.

Performers health precluding performance, the whims of potential employers, not so much.

You are going good.