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The Bed Song

Last night I returned home from a weekend away with child who participated in a sports tournament. It was nice to be home.

And then I thought, "I can't do this. I can't hurt H, the kids, by saying that I want to leave. How could I?"

I retreated to bath to warm up and think. While reading, I came across what follows below on Twitter.

Rather surprised that somebody, such a brilliant artist, could get "it" so right, a sexless marriage.

My first response was that it was well done, but wasn't all that emotional. Then I watched it a few times, even downloaded the song. It is deeply devastating, and too easy to identify with. It's brilliant; spot on.

And reminded me of why a change to the sexless marriage status quo is vital.

"The Bed Song," by The Grand Theft Orchestra & Amanda Palmer
TrulyMadlyDeeply38 TrulyMadlyDeeply38 41-45, F 21 Responses Feb 18, 2013

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SleeplessKnight had passed this along to me in 2013. It definitely struck a chord within my soul. I left knowing I'd be less lonely alone, than if I stayed in my so-called marriage. A belated thank you for sharing. Hugs!

hmm interesting no idea why I bother commenting on some of these posts chances are if your over 40 your set in your ways and everything you say sounds like a dig at me being younger and you having more experience such a shame really....

I feel as though I have been respectful towards you.

not talking about you........if you catch my drift....

Then why are you commenting here? This is really off-topic

I don't believe I was talking to you.....

Be nice to SleeplessKnight. He's a good guy. I kind of like that he came to my rescue. It's a nice quality. And not one I would have been open to at 25. But now? I could use a hero. Personally having a crap day.

And this "story" is my experience. Not yours. If you don't identify with it, it's fine.

its alright its just I hate being talked down to by some one who is older and that's the way it sounded to me so I said my piece and won't be posting on anything she posts ever again I am young sure but I have more experience than most people twice my age and I am working on a Degree to back it up....

While I understand what you're saying, can you put yourself in the position of constantly having to defend yourself to people who hate you?

Yes, I know, why bother? It gets tiresome. And sometimes it's necessary to show "others" that the collective group of OW won't be bullied. It's been a rough week, in that respect.

And for the most part, I believe you engaged in a reasonable discussion.

At my age, I look back at the optimism I had when I was your age and I cringe. At myself. I knew what I needed to do, and yet it still got married to a man I am incompatible with. It was a huge mistake. I was misguided in how I thought out relationship would progress.

Which is exactly what, "The Bed Song," reflects.

See how I tied it all together and made your post relevant? ((Smiling))

sad part is I am attracted to older women not younger or my own age but I can't stand it being talked down to I can understand that I am not marriage material anyway.....for private reasons I won't discuss on the forum for the buzzards to have a feeding

I cringe at the thought of my kids thinking they need to get married. I am sure, as they get older, that we will have some good discussions on the topic.

As for older women... I can empathize. I'm hugely attracted to older men. Which surprised me. But I swoon sometimes. A friend who knows me well can always tell what I'm thinking when I see an attractive older man.

see we have different ideas of attraction to me physical attraction means nothing if she has the IQ of a door knob and my personal interests have made me infamous so....

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Bawled my eyes out! That should come with a warning at the beginning "grab your tissues and hold on!"

Thank you so much. The story of my married life. Hope it doesn't end that way.

and I've used "duct tape and milk crates".

thank you for opening my eyes with this song

Ditto SK. Thanks to you and UJ for passing the link along. I don't know if I would have had a turnaround occur in time without it. Many factors came into play, but seeing that video and then later sharing it with my refuser helped set the stage for a turnaround.


You're welcome. None of us know what the future holds. Best of luck.

I will need to read your stories, TfL2. This song haunts me on a regular basis. I have not had any progress (or turnaround) in my marriage. This song is a reminder of what I don't want, that's for certain.

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Thanks... ( I think )

What a beautiful song.....

Wow . . . it actually made me tear up.

I guess I should say thanks for that, lol.

Crappy situation to be in, but you're kids will notice your unhappiness soon....unfortunately. hopefully you guys get it resolved :) Good luck!

Oh my. That was beautiful.

"you can certainly see
how fulfilling a life
from the cost and size of stone
of our final resting home
we got some nice ones right under
a cherry tree
you and me lying
the only way we know
side by side and still and cold" . . . . . . .

I hear this and I deeply want to counter it with Neruda's, "The Dead Woman:"

"No, forgive me.
If you no longer live,
if you, beloved, my love,
if you have died,
all the leaves will fall on my breast,
it will rain on my soul night and day,
the snow will burn my heart,
I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,
my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping"

I imagine being eternally entwined with the love of my life (whoever that may be).

YES!!! {{{hugs}}}

Those feelings of "Oh dear God, I simply cannot DO this - hurt my spouse and / or my children in this way" are very common feelings. They tend to occur when you have experienced a GOOD time with one or more of the participants.

But in reality, these "good" times are only occasional blips in what is otherwise an intolerable life situation. I call these the "nostalgia moments" when we still think to ourselves "It could be like this all the time!"

Sadly, the truth is that these moments are only that - brief elements of time and NOT sustainable over the long haul in our current situations.

Other "nostalgia Moments" that tend to trap us are memories of good times together, revisiting places or occasions where we were happy together, memories of things we did together that brought happiness . . . . In some cases we even cling to such memories when they are DECADES old in order to avoid facing the current reality!

I am not saying you are doing this, just saying these "nostalgia moments" can be poweful "reasons" to stay in a situation that actually has little resemblance to ur desired and dreamt of life. {{{hugs}}}

Agreed. It's like every time I'm about to fall into a "trap" (of nostalgia, or whatnot) something happens quickly to provide an alternate perspective, a reminder of how harmful the SM is to my personhood.

Sigh. Sometimes I wish there was a step-by-step guide or a checklist to extricating one's self from this hole.

Or have you already written one of those, Enna? A guide, checklist? :)

Not exactly what you are talking about, but might be worth reading . . . .

Lovely...poignant. Music is so good for that kind of thing... :)

Relevant to most, if not all of us, yes.

I think what really got me is that in the back of my mind I always thought that if I were to ever have any regrets on my deathbed, it would be my sexless, intimate-averse marriage. And the song, particularly the video amplifies how lonely and empty it is to be miles apart on a bed, and craving closeness.

I'm glad it inspired something for those who watched it.

No tears here, at least today, but agree that the song is quite accurate and painful.

****. I cried.

A part of me thinks it's good to relate to it and want for more, for something different, for ourselves, right?

That song made me cry. :(


Beautiful and very painful. She has nailed it.

All because of something her husband said to her, compelled her to explore the timeline of a dysfunctional marriage... I'm still dumbfounded by it.

Wow. Yeah--devastating is the word for it.

But motivating, yes?

Sure... My only complaint with the song is the very end. The whole, if you'd only asked I would have told you bit. I get the desire to end the song on a less, well, devastating note, but it sort of minimized the problem. I suppose it motivates me not to accept dysfunction in future relationships, but I'm kinda there already.

Yeah, it catches me too. But why did she have to ask... Why couldn't he have been an active participant?

Lol! Wait. No point asking, "why," is there?

That was a bit difficult to take...

It is. And has sort of turned into my reason to strive for something more.

For a mad brief moment I considered forwarding the link to my ex, (an innocent passing thought of "hey look, someone made a song about us...").

I'm sure if I shared it with H, it would only make things more uncomfortable. Can't imagine.

We've already been peeled and stuffed into a brine bucket, so we're pretty much saturated on the discomfort level. It'd just seem petty or maudlin I guess.

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If there is one thing that this group does pretty well, it is to challenge the thinking of the fellow members.

Is your marriage truly as good / bad as you think it is today ?
Is your marriage re-buildable / non re-buildable ?
Is staying for the kids a better / worse choice than leaving ?
Is an affair likely to be helpful / unhelpful ?
- and many other issues.

Driving the entire thing is the underlying obligation of choice. The debate here, often confrontational, usually painful, is inviting you to dig down to your core truth(s), and then make a fully informed choice.
Because once you embrace that concept of choice - be it staying / leaving - you have taken OWNERSHIP of it. You have shed your victim status. That IS a life enhancing strategy.

If, along the way, inspiration can be gleaned from a particular piece of music to help propel you forward to the destination of informed choice, then so much the better.
And it certainly sounds more soothing than me screeching "see a lawyer" continually.

Tread your own path.

Thank you, Wise Baz. I'm not at the lawyer stage yet. In therapy, sorting out how to go from unhappy to happy and fulfilled. My goal is once I have a personal action plan to guide/motivate me, then will engage a lawyer. I'm sure the timeline varies for everybody, and right now I'm moving at a snail's pace. And, yes, at least I have a song/video to remind me of how unacceptable my SM is.

:'(...dangit, just when I started wearing eyeliner again.<br />
Even bad marriages hurt so bad when they end.<br />
<br />
She's still uncomfortably living with me, and the other day I put her clothing on hangars just to get it out of the way, not that she ever cared about wrinkles. <br />
<br />
All of her wardrobe I bought because she abhorred clothes shopping, so I remember finding those for her, thinking about how much I loved her, I thought about her all the time...all the time...I was so in love.<br />
I told her that I wanted her to love herself as much as I loved her.<br />
<br />
I remember how wrapping my arms around her felt...when she allowed it. I remember talking to her...when she didn't shut me down. <br />
I remember trying so very hard to do everything right, to make her happy...because I loved her with all my heart.<br />
<br />
Gods, letting go hurts.

Sending you positive, heart-healing thoughts. And good makeup remover so you can reapply your eyeliner. :)