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Update: One And A Half Years After Leaving Sexless Marriage

Well.....

It has been a rough 2013.

Health issues. Chronically sick since the 1st (knock on wood, seem to be coming out the other side).

Furnace ran out of oil last night. Pipes broke last month. Oh. Yeah. My wonderful prince turned into a frog and dumped me on my *** during the hardest time of the year (oh yeah, going to be real anxious to enter that dating market again....I am on a official one year hiatus from men and relationships). Turns out my long time separated- marriage LONG over boyfriend didn't want to keep around a woman who wanted to be more then a Geisha, and broke up with my *** when it became clear that I was going to follow through on my promise to not be in a relationship if those papers were not filed within a reasonable amount of time. He's been living apart from her for SEVEN years. I gave him this heads up a year ago. Went from planned on doing it anyway, to no time frame, to don't really need to do that.

Went from adoring me and loving me to throwing me out when I actually asserted my stance and pushing me away HARD. I thought this was different. I thought he was sincere. I must be the most stupid and naive woman on the planet.

All that said, I am STILL glad that I left my sexless marriage. Life is going to have its ups and downs no matter what you do, and who knows what will happen next.

The break up hasn't been fun, but it was much easier after going through the process of leaving my SM and knowing how to set boundaries. I was hurt by it, but not devastated given that it is officially day two now, and I am starting to feel better already (he pushed me hard away the past month, so about a month long bummer I would say). I know that I won't put up with that b.s. anymore. I am a bit scared to be alone which says I need to be alone and overcome that one next.

So, going to heal up. Lick my wounds and get back up.

Not sure what is going to happen, going to just allow myself to be okay with that because we never really know anyway.

Don't be afraid to live your truth.
rosedl rosedl 41-45, F 4 Responses Feb 18, 2013

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I loved him. He is two compartmentalized people. In the end, it became about me demanding a commitment and him absolutely refusing and backtracking on the divorce and demeaning our relationship to justify his leaving it. I got mad. Really mad, called him out, hard. And, although he said I was completely right, I was sarcastic and fierce in the way I said it, and it all became about my delivery of the message rather then his actions. Kill the messenger. He got so angry that I called him out. Furious. Felt like I betrayed him. This is a man who allowed his wife to move another man in and sleep on his couch to outsource intimacy and keep put on his farm, so why I am in any way surprised? He will go to any lengths to protect his dysfunction. The divorce 'time-frame' was based on his wife's reaction not a straightforward filing process and it was just a stalling tactic. I want to be in another relationship like I want to get the black plague. I have had so many bad experiences with men (and I know this speak to me and how I pick them), I just don't trust it will ever be worth the time or hassle or heartache ever again. He told me it was healthy to become a eligible bachelor and break his dynamic with me. He told me that was what he was when we got together too...Never date a married man no matter how long seperated and apart from his wife. Too much baggage near the beginning and no true break if too long. ELIGIBLE BACHELOR. He's ******* married and his relationships are contigent upon the reaction of his wife to whom he has been celibate near two decades and near a decade living apart. SICK. Sorry, venting, I am giving myself three days to vent and think and stew and then, DONE. Just a big readjustment really quick.

Rose, I am so sorry your Ex boyfriend turned out to be more frog than prince. It is very hard to find out that one's perceptions have been illusionary - and that he is not the person he presented as being.

However I whole-hearted agreel with mvc, Baz and VB - you are well rid of a person who did not ultimately enhance your life. And I have NO doubts that such a person will enter your orbit before long . . . .

Your decision to work on being comfortable alone is a very worthwhile one IMO. And Isubscribe to Baz's theory that "like attracts like" - the more evolved we are as individuals, the more likely we are to attract others in the same space.
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the update on how you are faring these days.

You have the tools to remove those who subtract value from your life - to do it quickly and not linger.

That, in and of itself, is of tremendous value.

I wish you well in your quest to get to living a higher quality of life.

Once one gets shot of a dysfunctional relationship, one is likely to be far more discerning in the next choice. To do ones due diligence properly. But that "guarantee's" you precisely nothing. You might have to 'trade up' several times before finding what you want. Or, step away from the game for a while.
But as long as you have your boundaries, you can't go too far wrong, longer term.

This bloke "presented" quite well I gather Sister R, but turned out to be a "bounday buster". While he enhanced your life, he was in your inner orbit. Now he has become a life depleter, and is cast out of your orbit. Very sensible on your part.

And still, I don't see a story here saying "Gee I wish I was back in that shithole marriage".

Tread your own path.

Thanks Baz. I am just sad. I already have enough trust issues with men, and he just presented so in love and then, bolted. Push me away hard at a vulnerable time. I got way to close and to honest and his ego couldn't take it. He did this to me before and I moved back to him, and then, the next month the very same thing. I have no choice but to leave, and I have and collected all my things and deleted all contact info and cleared out reminders. I am doing it. I will live. But, right now, I am very sad. I thought I had a best friend, but he was only fair weather at best. Jerk.

"Jerk" is VERY polite!!! IMO you can (and should) call himfor every nasty name under the sun.