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Yet Another Revelation About H

So, my previous posts have detailed how I have found internet history of my H visiting p***, hook-up/dating, & webcam s** sites. Things that were unknown to me until I decided to snoop a little. We have been married 20 years & I've never been the snooping kind. Until I happened upon ILIASM & realized through reading others posts that he may be "outsourcing" his needs while refusing me. That is what prompted my little "snoopfest," & I was surprised at the sites (lots & lots of them). So yesterday the H takes our daughter out to visit family & I decide (since he had left his computer in his car) to go through his out of town/work luggage. What did I find? A dip (smokeless tobacco) can half empty. Now this isn't exactly a "smoking gun" to post on ILIASM but I am getting to my point on why this is a bigger deal than it seems. Bear with me.....He professed to quit that stuff over 4 years ago, right before our daughter was born...his choice. I had found a couple empty cans in a room we had remodeled a couple of years ago (he blamed it being on of the workers, although those men only smoked from what I ever saw), he failed a blood test for nicotine for our life insurance (smoking cigars occ. with friends). Little does he know a couple of months ago I found a couple of other cans on top of some shelves (he thought he had hid them well enough I wouldn't find them I guess)---no I wasn't seeking them out, I was putting away some clutter & saw them...they had recent expiration dates so I assumed he had started back up. Now here is the issue. The "I've quit dipping" for 4 years is obviously a lie, furthering my curiosity of if I really know this person much at all. He feels the need to keep the most basic stuff hidden from me (I was married to him for 16 years with him dipping before he ever quit so its not like I would have a meltdown if he started dipping again).
It is times like this (the small lies of omission/hiding) that I think back to before we were married & a mutual coworker called him a pathological liar. He never would elaborate on what he meant, I didn't know the coworker that well so couldn't put much stock into his opinion, & I got married soon after. Where is this need coming from where he hides not only the big things (sites he visits & who knows what else) as well as the little things (using dip/tobacco again)? Exactly how much don't I know about him? This drives me crazy as I am honest to a fault....it has been the hardest few weeks of my life not confronting him with what I know. I am used to calling a spade a spade so it is inconceivable to me to be deceitful/deliberately hide things from my spouse.
However, with each new revelation I am retreating more into "me" & not the "we" mode, preparing & protecting myself from whats to come. I pray for wisdom & guidance. :) Thanks for reading
drpinkangel drpinkangel 36-40, F 3 Responses Feb 18, 2013

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what is it with these refuser types... telling lies where there is really no need to lie.... just the other day I over heard my refuser speaking to his daughter over the phone, about her driving trip down through the state to visit us, she told him that she would have to make later plans due to winter weather. I didn't tell my refuser that I heard the conversation, so about an hour later he chimes in with a lie....
she said she didn't know if she was going to make it or not. she is having her car serviced.

I looked at the clock, told him, its nearly 3 in the after noon and with traffic starting up soon, with people leaving work along with weather being a bit on the ruff side, with darkness setting in, I don't think she will want to drive through all that to visit us. ( its a 7 hour drive )

I so wanted to tell him, why are you making **** up for

I know, I feel like if he says to take an umbrella with me because its raining that I need to look outside first to be sure! lol

<p>A bit more evidence to add on to the pile Doc.</p><p>Pretty overwhelming body of evidence exists now.</p><p>And, YOU get to be "Judge". Being "evidence gatherer" is pretty tough and painful work. Being "Judge" is another step up the difficulty ladder.<br />
But you are on the ladder, and you only step up one rung at a time. And, one at a time is do-able.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>PS incidently, it will be YOUR fault he went back to the smokes "You drove me to it" will be part of his revisionist history.

Thanks for the advice Baz. Yes, one step at a time, I am slowly eating away at what is really going on in my marriage &amp; who he is. If he won't tell me I will find it on my own. And when I confront him I will already know the answers before he tries to "spin" it. Finally having answers, even if it isn't what I would've hoped for, is actually pretty liberating...its showing me that I wasn't crazy thinking something was missing from my marriage (even though he looked @ me like I was confused &amp; grown 2 heads every time I brought up our marriage problems, insisting there was "nothing" wrong). Thanks again for your response. Take care &amp; God Bless

Their lack of communication is called CRAZY MAKING in the self help grps of therapy. they do it to keep us off center! to keep us guessing, to keep us hooked into their mind games! best you can do is disengage.

I once dated a guy who "quit" smoking "for me." I absolutely did not ask him to quit, but he thought he was making this grand gesture, I suppose. Well, fast forward a year, and I find out he'd been smoking the ENTIRE time. He had been hiding it and lying about it for a year!

I broke up with him over it. It may seem small, but (and this is what I told him at the time) if I don't know whether or not my BF smokes, how can I say I know anything about him? I didn't care if he smoked. I don't smoke and choose not to stand around in it when I'm with those who do, but I really did not care about his smoking, until he lied about it for A YEAR.

The big lies are certainly bad, but I think the small lies are just as dangerous and, well, disrespectful. If he wants to use dip, he should discuss it with you like an adult. Not go around pretending to be someone he's not and dipping behind your back.

I'm trying to hold back from a snoop-fest myself. I realized recently that husband is suddenly logging off his computer every time he walks away from it.... Which is unusual. Even if I find something, though, it doesn't change anything for me. The idea of snooping feels so draining. I'm not, however, saying you shouldn't snoop. Just know when to stop.

Yeah, I found out after the fact that he had cheated on me as well. We were all of 19 and 21, but I don't stand for liars, never have.

tree my refuser has an on line girl/f i thought that he had given up, but this past v -day i found an exchange of e- mails between them.

omg, what i read was so sappy and lovy dovy YUCK! i went off on my refuser....im surprised the cop who lives next door didnt drop by lol

p/s my refuser has never spoke to me the same way he spoke to his on line g/f ... some times i see a computer as a mistress waiting in the corner shouting ,oh come on lets play...

@laureltree: Yes, I will quit when I have some peace about how far from this marriage he has gone. This, for me, gives me more closure as I am able to see visually what he won't tell me verbally. For 20 years I have believed what he has told me, now I am not being lazy anymore &amp; believing every word he says, I am finding out for myself. If &amp; when I decide to leave I am relieved to know I get to walk away knowing more about his true self than he has ever showed me. Thanks for your response. Take care &amp; God Bless.
@ gypsyblu: you're right, computers are like mistress'....they offer endless amounts of "fun" times with members of the opposite sex all over the world.

yes computers do, with out any REAL commitment.

Agree!!!!

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