Yet Another Revelation About HSo, my previous posts have detailed how I have found internet history of my H visiting p***, hook-up/dating, & webcam s** sites. Things that were unknown to me until I decided to snoop a little. We have been married 20 years & I've never been the snooping kind. Until I happened upon ILIASM & realized through reading others posts that he may be "outsourcing" his needs while refusing me. That is what prompted my little "snoopfest," & I was surprised at the sites (lots & lots of them). So yesterday the H takes our daughter out to visit family & I decide (since he had left his computer in his car) to go through his out of town/work luggage. What did I find? A dip (smokeless tobacco) can half empty. Now this isn't exactly a "smoking gun" to post on ILIASM but I am getting to my point on why this is a bigger deal than it seems. Bear with me.....He professed to quit that stuff over 4 years ago, right before our daughter was born...his choice. I had found a couple empty cans in a room we had remodeled a couple of years ago (he blamed it being on of the workers, although those men only smoked from what I ever saw), he failed a blood test for nicotine for our life insurance (smoking cigars occ. with friends). Little does he know a couple of months ago I found a couple of other cans on top of some shelves (he thought he had hid them well enough I wouldn't find them I guess)---no I wasn't seeking them out, I was putting away some clutter & saw them...they had recent expiration dates so I assumed he had started back up. Now here is the issue. The "I've quit dipping" for 4 years is obviously a lie, furthering my curiosity of if I really know this person much at all. He feels the need to keep the most basic stuff hidden from me (I was married to him for 16 years with him dipping before he ever quit so its not like I would have a meltdown if he started dipping again).
It is times like this (the small lies of omission/hiding) that I think back to before we were married & a mutual coworker called him a pathological liar. He never would elaborate on what he meant, I didn't know the coworker that well so couldn't put much stock into his opinion, & I got married soon after. Where is this need coming from where he hides not only the big things (sites he visits & who knows what else) as well as the little things (using dip/tobacco again)? Exactly how much don't I know about him? This drives me crazy as I am honest to a fault....it has been the hardest few weeks of my life not confronting him with what I know. I am used to calling a spade a spade so it is inconceivable to me to be deceitful/deliberately hide things from my spouse.
However, with each new revelation I am retreating more into "me" & not the "we" mode, preparing & protecting myself from whats to come. I pray for wisdom & guidance. :) Thanks for reading
drpinkangel 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 Feb 18, 2013