Kindness

A Woman can not have meaningful sex by flicking a switch maybe a little romance beforehand would be nice, a nice meal, a flower, some good conversation works wonders

Sounds like my situation. Real nice women but can hardly say the word SEX let alone even ask for IT!

I don't know how you can stand it!!!! Kudos to you. I hope it works out. I wish I weren't so weak....

I'll be the devil's advocate...I think she may genuinely want to patch things up. I was completely in the closet about how narcissistic/Aspergers I was and once my eyes were opened I could admit to playing a critical role in the demise of our intimacy. But it does take two to tango. Mine refuses to see his role/part in the abusive (withholding affection or sex) dance. Can two people recover from that ? Sure, if you are both willing and trusting. If there is doubt then it won't work (as I found out).

You said: "but I do believe she loves me and values me as a husband and partner - and not just because of what I give her and/or do for her.

That said...I think she genuinely had no idea that her sexual limitations would ever be an issue. In fact, I don't think she ever gave it any thought until I started bringing it up a few years back (yes, years)."

Mindful said:
"sometimes two people can be amazingly in love, but just differ in their sexual needs/desires/interests. Yes, it can be frustrating and can destroy a relationship."

And I whole-heartedly endorse both these comments. This is exactly the situation I was in with my dear Ex. Yes, after twenty two years together, it was NOT enough. And that is one of the greatest tragedies of these situations - that the absence of ability to form a truly loving and intimate connection is such a powerful thing that it causes the break down of a relationship that has other good things in it.

If it weren't for those ten years of therapy, I'd be more inclined to give your wife the benefit of the doubt. But if TEN years of therapy has not seen her change, then this change is all about her protecting her territory - NOT about meeting your needs IMO. Sorry :( {{{hugs}}}

I will be brief in my response, but can speak from experience - sometimes two people can be amazingly in love, but just differ in their sexual needs/desires/interests. Yes, it can be frustrating and can destroy a relationship. Ten years of therapy certainly speaks to the different "pages" you two are on. It sounds as though she loves you dearly and fears your loss due to her inability to live in your sexual world. Best wishes.

I think some people can change. I really want to be positive and for people to get what they truly want. Anyway, there's another poster on here (who I have such a soft spot for- love her to pieces)- ExistingHope, and at one point she had written a story called " He finally heard me" Or something along those lines. And I remember being so relieved for her and hoping that she would see the same sort of efforts I had seen after I had been *heard*.
A day went by... no change. Okay she thought maybe he needed to take time to think about it for the weekend. Nope. Still no change.
I think by the 3rd day, she was realizing that he hadn't heard her, at all (or didn't care if he had).
IMO, you would see something instantly. Whatever that something is.. I think if you really open your eyes to it, you can tell if it's real or not.

AMM, she's playing you-stringing you along. enjoy the kindness while it lasts.

of course i could be wrong (somehow i don't think i am, sadly) in which case follow something2's advice & see what she does with your request.

Regardless of her intent, I doubt she's capable of maintaining her new attitude for any length of time. What kind of person you view her as doesn't really matter as much as how her behavior affects you. Similarly with me, my husband started trying really hard (for him) recently. It lasted about a week. He had me momentarily wondering if I was doing the right thing, but quickly, he affirmed through his behavior that, yes, I'm doing the right thing. He can't change. At least not with me.

Oh my you are being so played this is how a refuser keeps the fish on the line. They like the perks of being married and don't want the stigma of it getting out that they are a sexless mannequin so they play the game to try and lull you back into the game. But the sex won't get better because there's no love behind it this is a calculated response to get you back into your place and get you to willingly to put your chains back into place. Once the chains are back on the same old pattern of behavior will resume until once more you start eyeing the door then the same pattern repeats ad nauseum over and over. You might as well get this through your head now this isn't going to get any better because she could care less about your sex interests she cares about her interests only. If you could get her to admit it she would likely tell you she was never all that interested in you physically but married you for security or some other bullshit reasons. That is the kiss of death to a sex life the equivalent of the infamous "I love you but I'm not in love with you". You've been had by a poser that wanted things you had to offer but unfortunately she really didn't want you but she thought she could tolerate you to get what she wanted and now you are seeing the results. Make your exit plan and get out of there because you are in a scorched earth zone where no love or passion will ever grow. Run while you still can and don't be fooled by a temporary pretend change that will quickly revert once your shackles are firmly back in place this is an all too familiar tactic. If she wouldn't do you for 10 years then there's no real love there she's a mercenary and anything she offers has a price tag attached.

Yes, a similar pattern is happening in my house too. I am pointed more and more fully toward the door, and although H is not aware of the extent of my planning, his manner toward me is much more respectful and considerate. He's dropped the passive-aggressive behavior and is actually being proactive about planning and childcare. It's a real pity I can't see this as anything but a ploy to keep me in place. You may have more options, but time will tell.

She knows the grim blow job sentence facing her and she's hoping to get a ******* sentence reduction from the court of faux-trying appeals.

How little will you settle for? That's her question numero uno.

Why not just give her your bare crumbs bottom line and then let her begrudgingly nickle and dime you further about it? Boy, how hot is that?

She doesn't want to do you. She hasn't wanted to do you since forever.

You want to do someone who wants to do you, like all sane people.

For whatever reason, that's not her. That's never going to be her.

I mean, 10 years? The last time you got seriously laid was the mid-period Bush years?

Therefore, I cannot answer your question, "Is this a good start?".

A good start to what?

Further log spinning by someone who doesn't want to do you?

In my experience, once you come back into the fold she can go back to doing (or not doing) whatever she was in the past. My H. and I went through this cycle a number of times. In the end, I remain in my shifted state of being. His behavior has shifted accordingly. As a result, the marriage is different, although I'm not sure H. realizes this.

"Or just trying to forestall me leaving". Yep. That's my assessment . Your wife is trying to put a bandaid on a cardiac arrest. You need to judge whether a bandaid after TEN years of therapy is enough.

A couple of months ago, we had a difficult conversation, in which I tried to tell my H that it is not fair for our son to be the reason for us to continue to live together like roommates like this. What would he feel when he grows up and finds out that because of him his mother and father had to suffer a SM for 20-30 years, which means forever? That is our issue and we have to solve it, we could not use our son as an excuse and ignore the problem. Finally, my H agreed that we would get a divorce when our son is 4 or 5 years old. You know what happened right after that talk? H decided to buy a new and bigger house, in a very good area, saying that house will be for me and my son to live in. He would find a small one nearby so that we could both share the custody of our son. Can you believe it? I then had to take a very weird action that perhaps no other wife could understand - I wrote an official letter, clearly stated that I would not share the ownership of that house, it solely belongs to my H, and sent that to the realtor (since they asked for my personal details to prepared the sales contract). I hoped by doing that, my H would give up and let go. However, up to now, he is still acting as if nothing happened. That is my husband's kindness. I would forever appreciate it, honestly.

What does a control freak do when they feel the control slipping? Re-engage to regain control. My two cents.

She's temporarily doing everything within her capacity to attempt to placate you.

Sexual expression isn't there though... Difficult to elicit desire from someone who has none.

As Baz states, reset sex will probably happen soon. How long will she keep up being something she's not? Time will tell.

Back at the famous "I can't believe you'd give all this up just for sex" speech of hers, you changed the dynamic forever with your response "I know you can't".

Now, the scramble to bring things back to the status quo is under way. You might even get a "re-set" root in the not too distant future.

Anyway,
1 - "Is my wife trying to make things right?"
That seems awfully unlikely. She seems to have no clue what "right" is, let alone a plan to get there.

2 - Or just trying to forestall my leaving?
This one makes the most logical sense.

3 - Are her efforts a good start?
Entirely your call this one. May well be a good start to her agenda of reasserting the status quo. Your agenda ? not so much.

4 - Or would "a good start" be something more like sexy lingerie and scented candles?
Again, entirely your call. It would come as no surprise if these tools were brought into play however, as part of 3 above.

Brother M, I would be inclined to adopt a very benign and objective position here, and just watch her scramble. That process, where she has to pro-actively work to engage you, will not have any lasting appeal for her I'd bet.
But be polite. Be respectful. But most importantly, be OBSERVANT. Your answers to the 4 points you raised will be revealed.

Tread your own path.

The question is it real or fake? My wife is trying to be nice, but it's not really her as she is also a control freak. So I can see that she is having to bite her tongue to preserve the mirage of our excellent marriage. And, there is still no form of sex whatsoever. But she says "don't give up on me".

For you I would suggest asking for something that requires her to give, but is not sex. For example, ask her to give you a back massage for ten minutes, and just watch her process that.