Secrets Of The Internet - Shhhh...Don'T Tell.

As a man, I think about sex approximately 23 hours per day. I'm not sure what I do over that last hour, but I'm pretty sure if I said I thought about it 24 hours per day, people would call bullshit and say "Hey man, I'm sure there are times you don't think about it. Like when you're in church (incorrect btw), or when someone tells you a sad story (nope) or when you're sleeping (now you're just being funny)?" So, there's your 24th hour, where I can put all of my other thoughts and not be consumed about sex, making love and the general goodness that is lying in bed with someone soft, warm and into you.

I'm not alone out here certainly. There are 7 billion people in the world and 48 percent of them are men. We'll say 3 billion just to make the math easier. However, some of them are children or very old men, so lets say 1 billion men are left. Now, some of them are not into sex, but they can't ALL be married to the ladies of this group, right? ILIASM currently has 35493 members. Even if 20,000 of those members are women, that would leave 970,000 sexed up men out there.

That's why there's so much **** on the internet. Sexually frustrated guys need the ****. And I'm not even talking about you women. I know you need it too. Trust me, most of us would star in it if only someone would pay for us to do so. We're quite supportive.

Why are you leaving out the women, you might be saying. We like **** as much as the men! Well, that may be true, but I'm not a woman and as this is a serious news article, I can only stick to what I know. If you want to chime in and add the numbers for females, by all means, be my guest.

So that explains why the net has so much ****, erotic fiction and the like. It doesn't really explain the "stay hard" lube and such because really, if you have trouble keeping an erection by yourself it might be time to give it up, right?

But who am I to judge. Go ahead and order your stay hard spray. Your secret is safe with us.

Ok, now I believe there is inherent balance in the universe. For every yin, there is a yang. For every Superman, there's a Lex Luthor.

**** is the answer for people who are undersexed. It's the largest thing out there on the net. But what is the nemesis of ****? What's the second biggest thing on the net?

It's cat pictures.

And it makes perfect sense. You're home, trying to get your hubby to give you the ol' pickle tickle, but he's not into it. He doesn't want to cuddle. He doesn't want to hear you purr in his ear.

Of course he doesn't. Ladies, he's getting his purr on elsewhere. He's finding psuedo love, affection and contentment online, but not where you might have imagined. Those cute little videos he forwards where a cat falls into a bowl of milk and comes out looking like Yoda? Yeah...that's passive aggressive behavior. He's flaunting it right in your face.

Men, when you use your wife's iPhone and are relieved that none of her contacts are named "Stan", "Long John" or "Mr. Marcus", you're being lulled into a false sense of security. That picture of a wicker basket with three cute siamese kittens peering out of the top? That's what's keeping your woman from acting like a tiger in the sack.

So the next time someone gives you static for looking at Sorority Sisters #12, you know, the one where the laundry catches on fire burning all of the girls clothing and big hunky firemen come over to help, remind them that at least you're not getting your fix of affection and love from an adorable little calico who has figured out how to open the laundry chute.