Very ConfusedFirst I want to apologize for writing a lot lately. I still havent really told any of my friends my situation and I need to talk about it.
When I first started writing on here I was sure I wanted a divorce. I debated it over a year and I was at the point I knew it was over. And overall I thought it was. I still wanted to try to save my marriage and I continued to try. Deep down though I thought I knew what I really wanted.
I did not give a lot of background on my situation because of that fact. I really thought I could go through with it. So now I'll give just a little background...My husband and I moved across the country five years ago. He did this mainly for me. I hated the cold and snow so we moved South. He said he wanted to but I was the major driving force. Things have not been as good for us here. For me they are fine and my career is going good for him though its been harder. Thats one of the reasons I havent gotten a divorce. I feel I'm to blame for the things that have happened and that I ruined his life so now I owe it to him to stay.
Anyway last night we were talking about our careers and things of that nature. He brought up moving. I told him that at this point I didnt want to because I really dont know if we will be married that much longer. I've told him before I think I want a divorce and hes said he didnt and that was that. We didnt talk futher. After I said that he asked what I meant. And I once again explained how I need certain things and it wasnt just about the sex but that were not touching or kissing. I started to cry and went into the bedroom. A few minutes later my husband came in and asked if i was serious. I said yes and that I need to touched. I need this to feel like a marriage not just a friendship. He started telling me about how much he does for me and that should show me he loves me. I once again brought up how I need more. And he asked if i need validation and if thats what this is about. He went on to say how he thinks he does a lot for me and he likes our marriage so it doesnt or shouldnt matter how otfen we kiss or have sex. I suggested marriage counseling and he asked if I was serious. When I said yes, he said that he couldnt beleive that. He doesnt beat me so why would we need that. And he went on about how I make him out to be a terrible husband and he isnt. At that point i was crying very hard and he doesnt like any emotion being shown so he went into his office.
I started making dinner and started thinking. I started to get very nervous about getting a divorce. I dont know if it was the fact that my husband didnt act at all concerned about me leaving and maybe I did need validation or if I was scared about being alone. Or if I really dont want my marriage to end because I still love him. I started to think about regretting the decision. If I do get a divorce and regret it, then what? So I went into his office and tried talking to him. I basically made excuses to why I said that and practially begged him to forget about what i said. And by the end of the night it was back to normal. We didnt talk about it and I just let it go.
I am very disappointed in myself. I dont know why I got so scared but at the moment when he didnt care and I really thought about being alone I couldnt handle it. When I say these next things I dont mean to sound like I have to validate myself. but..I am pretty strong in every other part of my life. But I cannot bring myself to make this decision. I read stories on here from woman who have had the courage to get a divorce. They have children and still are able to make the decision. I feel very weak when i read those. I dont have children, I wont be breaking up a family but I cant bring myself to do it. I'm not scared about finances, I can support myself just fine but I am scared about going home to any empty house night after night. Having to go to bed alone. And I'm extremely scared of ending up alone.